Sam’s (from Tinder) side of the story

I did several posts on Sam (Sam & the FamSam is back!Sam & more fam) and I thought it would be interesting to hear his version of events. So I asked him to write his side of things back in March for our “anniversary.” He was late. As usual. So here it is:

Where to begin? Chatting on an app with someone can be freeing or terrifying depending on your personality. LUCKILY I can (and have) talked to a wall. Finding a nice young lady with morals was a surprise amidst the forward crowd of progressive youth. It didn’t take long for Sarah to click with my viewpoints and sense of humor. So we are chatting for what seems to be “a long time”, 2 days maybe. We talked about nothing, or everything, or really just nothing. Politics came up, religion and ideology, corny jokes, food, sports and while on these subjects to no surprise there were many arguments. Sarah likes arguments. Sarah likes to be difficult. End of story.

I may like to be childish with other like-minded people. What better way to do that than at DISNEY!!!! Ice cream, family, rides, children. Disney has what it takes for children of all ages to let loose. I know my family well enough that I would get more than half the afternoon and evening alone enjoying the parks as the rest of them tend to the young children or rest. I would like to say I am a good judge of character.   It could have been 1 hour and I still would have invited Sarah to come with us to the park. It was an easy decision. My family is very open and inviting to individuals who are respectful and modest. I might not have gone through with the idea if Sarah was not outgoing and spontaneous so she deserves as much credit for the friendship as I do. I don’t think it took 5 minutes for her to get crowded by all 4 of my nephews & nieces who were mobile at that point. My siblings were also brutally forward about “how did you meet” and those interesting questions that pop up with … prying family members. Did I mention I haven’t really dated since a certain bad relationship experience a little over a year prior to this event? So people were interested to say the least.

Sarah excelled in the important aspects of social awkwardness. She didn’t mind the harassment. She played along with the kids. She didn’t share ice cream. 2/3 is not bad. We had fun. That was the point. Evening rolls around and we have been in the park all day. The family inevitably goes back to the rooms for a good nights rest. We have at least 3 hours of after hours park time to roam free on the adult rides we want. I think we ended up on Space Mountain 4 times. Meeting people in line or anywhere and everywhere we go. I am still snapchat friends with one guy from Brazil we played games with in line*. Great evening. I found out Sarah is the best dancer EVER. Ask to see her skills or send me a message to get this WOBBLE video starring our special friend.

The trip with the first Columbia experience is not how she portrays it. She was a terrible brat. Again, she needs to learn to share. #sangria? But, when you have a full chocolate cake you should share. Sharing is caring. We played this awesome game for most of the evening where we don’t speak to each other. Not out of anger or anything, more of a competition. I’m not sure who was the winner ;D. So after she broke both mentally and physically, we went on to enjoy our evening. Did I mention she is both a competitive person and a cheater? She cheats at minigolf. So do I. I let her win although impressively I didn’t have to tank too hard. #sangria?

Night of lights. Thanks for the worst idea of food ever. Hot chocolate is great. I think it was very romantic and intimate. She was wanting me to kiss her somewhere in there.** I didn’t. You’re welcome. 10/10 I would do it again. Just with better food choices. Did I mention Sarah is headstrong? I mean really woman, do you need to argue all the time?

Sarah blew me off a few times for boys and “not boyfriends.” I wonder if she will ever listen to me. I can hear it in her voice when she knows the boys aren’t for her. I try not to rub it in.

STAN!!!! Birthday day. She is late. We ended up having a blast celebrating Mr. Stan and his life. This man is amazing. He is family to me. What a giving person with stories and experiences that will put you in AWE. Sarah liked the chocolate cake the most. So we went to the boardwalk. SHE IS DIFFICULT. I tried telling her to be cutthroat when parking here. I was pretty much done with it after 5 minutes and a few parking opportunities missed. Did we get towed? NO. Thanks. I am cheap when it comes to wasting my time in lines. I hate poor service and lines/crowds. I would rather get a 10$ beer at a sit down than a 5$ water in an unnecessary line. First place we went didn’t take AMEX. I don’t carry cash. The bar took my card though. Might have watched some football there as well. No ulterior motives, BACK OFF. The evening finally went the way I wanted it to when we enjoyed the beach sunset. Pictures were had. People were jealous of us. Nothing new. I should have been a little more decisive to protect her from herself. I am driving from now on.

Overall, we have had a great connection. It is very rare and I know that it was not just chance. I enjoy our friendship thoroughly. I love this girl. I know she will do great things. I hope I can give her sound advice and support for as long as I can.

Dictated not read.

SAM THE MAN

*Me toooo! This dude’s snaps are the best!

**Not true at alllll

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Tinder Sam and more fam!


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Is that even possible?! For those of you that have been following along, you remember my boy Sam (Sam requested to have his named changed to Zak to coincide with Ben Folds’ Zak & Sara song, how cute). But we are already in too deep with “Sam.” You can read about our times together in the previous posts (here & here) but one thing that definitely stood out with Sam was meeting his whole family on our first date. I think I loved the “So how did you guys meet?” questions the best.

Sam came down recently (aka a few months ago- sorry, I’m a bit behind on these types of posts;) and we were able to hang out some. Though slightly awkward. I, unfortunately/fortunately, had started talking to a new guy right before his visit so it created a little tension between us. Hey, in my defense he was going to bring down a date! Okay, not really- but it was going to be someone that liked him who would help out with all the nieces and nephews. Who knows. Regardless, she didn’t come and I didn’t bring my guy. It just would have been too awkward all around. [Sidenote, new guy and I decided to just remain friends].

Our normal outings are typically held in St. Augustine but this time it was Daytona Beach. It was Stan’s 94th birthday party. 94! Stan is a family friend that is pretty much family. Sam, his grandma, Stan, Sam’s two sisters, sister-in-law, more nieces and nephews than I could count, his mom, dad, and I think that is all. That’s who was there this time. And me. Of course I fit right in. I think Sam’s grandma likes me more than she likes him. Amongst screaming kids, great BBQ, and amazing homemade cake from granny (I’m pretty much family, I can call her that), all I can say is I hope to be like Stan one day. He was so active- wanting to help, loving everything and everyone. It’s always such a joy being around people like him.

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After the party, Sam and I decided to go to the boardwalk since neither of us had ever really been. I drove us since he rode with his family there. Big mistake. We almost just decided to go somewhere else. Parking was the worst in my truck. Awful. Sam is a little passive aggressive in that he won’t tell me what to do until after I didn’t do something and then lets me know what he would have done (now that it’s too late). Thanks. Sam was firmly upset my truck did not fit in certain spots and disliked the fact I did not feel comfortable parking in sketch situations. Then he got mad and said I yelled at him. I can neither confirm nor deny what I did. I ended up driving into a bar parking lot that had spots and we discussed the parking situation for a good 10 minutes. I saw other people parking there and walking to the boardwalk so I told him we should just do that. He thought it would be too obvious what we were doing since we had been sitting in their parking lot awkwardly doing nothing. During this time, a guy in an orange vest came out of the bar to start selling spots. Great. I thought we would be okay since we were already there but I was still nervous. We decided to ask permission from the guy. Well Sam did. I like that about him. He has a manly, take charge, side to him that makes me feel safe. For someone who is somewhat bossy, it’s nice to relax every now and then and let somewhat else take charge;)

BeachcollageWe walked around the boardwalk as Sam complained about the rides and the prices. Sam was too cheap to buy me water, which was free. I know right. Okay he wasn’t that bad, he just didn’t want to stand in line to wait for it even though I was soooo thirsty! On top of this, he was texting his “girlfriend” and making fun of my guy interest with side comments. I remember passing by some people who were passing out Christian tracks, asking people if they were saved. Normally I will pass on by, let them know I am saved, or say something to the effect of I like what they are doing. Sam, however, stopped. He engaged in conversation with them, made them feel valued, and encouraged them. Among all of our play fighting and jokes, it was nice to see this side of Sam. He inspired me more than he knows.

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We ended up stop at a place for drinks while watching a concert that happened to be in the amphitheater that night. We talked about a lot of stuff. I remember asking Sam if he thought we’d still hang out like this once he got a girlfriend. Without hesitation, he said we better. I guess I didn’t realize how scarred I have been from lost friendships with some of my guys. I’m not expecting things to stay the same and I’d never want to come before a guy’s girlfriend but it’s somewhat sad that there’s this underlying theme in society that guys and girls can’t just be friends. It was reassuring to hear Sam say that to me. It made me realize he valued our friendship. Me. Beyond wanting me, if that makes sense. A lot of guys have stopped talking to me once they realized I wasn’t interested in dating. While I understand to a degree, it doesn’t hurt any less. So I try not to get too attached.

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I ended up driving Sam back to the condos where all of his family was staying. It was pretty late and I was hungry. Per usual. Sam made me steak and then gave me ice cream. I didn’t even have to ask. He knows what makes me happy. I hope he’s planning another trip soon because I’m starting to get hungry again.

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Tinder Update: Sam is back!

For those of you that have been keeping up with my blog, you probably remember the three part series I did on my Tinder experiences last month. One of those was the  Tender Tinder Pt 2: Sam and the Fam! where I met one of my now good friends. As you could tell from the previous post, Sam is a great guy. Anyway, he was back in town with his granny (that’s what everyone calls her so I do too since I’m pretty much family now;) doing some work for the family business. So I went up yesterday to spend the day with him in St. Augustine. Even though I told him to do all of his work the prior days, he still had a good amount of projects left when I got there. This was not surprising and he wasn’t his best either since he had a broken rib from playing ice hockey last week. He likes to think he is hardcore. I won’t tell him otherwise.

When I got there around noon, no one was home. Perfect. I get no reception at their condo complex but luckily the wifi password had been saved so I was able to use it while I waited. The first thing granny asked when they got back was if I wanted something to eat. They know me so well. After eating, we went to Walmart. Worst place ever. Sam is also childish out in public. Not only did he spray me with some cheap perfume, he watched as I searched for an item when he already knew they didn’t have it. Not funny. He also got mad at me because I didn’t look nice. I told him I missed that memo. I didn’t apologize for my looks.

One of the projects I helped Sam with was transferring files from computers. Sometimes there are some miscommunication problems with Sam and granny. It’s a little awkward because I’m unsure what to do when this happens. I want Sam to know that I support him but I also don’t want granny to feel bad. Sam ended up saying that he needed to walk away for a minute and got up and left. Then granny started talking to me. Sam came back within a few minutes and explained what he was trying to relay calmly and they were able to work through it. What’s funny is I would have normally assumed that Sam had anger issues for the way he acted. But after dating some guys that don’t express any emotions, I actually kind of appreciated the way he handled the situation. He knew he was getting upset and to avoid saying something hurtful out of anger, he gathered himself for a moment and came back. I really admired the way he handled the situation. I think oftentimes we like to pretend we don’t have any problems so we suppress our feelings rather than dealing with them maturely.

The computer issues sent Sam and I to Staples to pick up an external hard drive. As we were leaving the complex it started to rain which made me yell at Sam to hurry up and unlock the doors as I was getting wet. He remained calm and would not unlock the doors until he was on my side to open the door for me. He is a real gentleman even when I’m a brat. Staples was fun and I left a ‘call me’ note at the cash register with Sam’s number. Hopefully the cashier dude will call him. Sam brings out my mature side.

Sam and I left around 5 to go downtown and we had a blast. It was the first night of their Night of Lights and it was gorgeous. Sam avoided going downtown earlier in the week just so we could see it together- awww. Traffic was crazy but we had fun because he had heated seats and we jammed out to Taylor Swift. My favorite was when he put on Ellie Goulding’s song, Lights haha. Our road rage tactics are pretty similar- not sure if that’s a good or bad thing lol. Here are some pictures of the lights:

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So we had a list of things to check out that my friend’s told me about but as fate would have it, we defaulted to the restaurant we always go to- The Columbia. There were soooo many people downtown so we put our name on the list and since the wait was an hour- we walked around. One of the places on the list was French Fry Heaven and since I had gone to the fair the day before, I wanted to try the Festival fries- they were supposed to taste like funnel cake but yuck.- they were gross. Probably because they were made with sweet potato fries. Sam didn’t want anything from there, probably because of what the place looked like.

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While the fries weren’t that good, we did have some good conversation at the place. A guy asked to share our table so we started talking with him. He was pretty cool and was from Jacksonville. He said he had walked on the UCF football team back in 1999. He asked questions about Sam and I too. After telling him about how I lived in Florida and Sam lived in Tennessee he kind of looked at us a little puzzled and started with, “Sooo, how do you guys-“ that’s when I cut him off and told him that Sam and I were just friends. Then he was like “Ohhh, so like friends with benefits?” and then Sam and I told him that there were no benefits- nope, no benefits- mostly cons. Sam said I should have told him that hanging out with me is the benefit. I agree. I really enjoy these awkward situations for some reason.

We walked around for a little bit after that. We saw some of the places my friends told me about- the Taco Shack, Hyppo Café, Waffle & Milkshake Bar, Kilwins. My eyes were definitely bigger than my stomach. Some of those places are on the list for next time. Some place on the street was selling apple cider and Sam wanted some but didn’t have any cash. I told him I’d get it. A nice older man was selling it and Sam said he wanted one and then I started reaching for my money- the guy asked Sam if it was for me. I told him that it wasn’t. That’s when the guy commented on the fact that I was paying. I could tell that Sam was embarrassed and I loved every minute of it. The guy told him what a great woman I was for taking such good care of him. Sam told him that I did take good care of him haha. Sam ended up paying for my dinner so I’d say that was an even trade, right? Our non-relationship makes me laugh at times.

Dinner was delicious. We got our usual pitcher of Sangria and chocolate cake. I sometimes need alcohol to deal with Sam and I think he needs it to deal with me. Our conversations are never normal. We talked so much about life, relationships, friends, and family. I like how we seem to balance serious talks with playfulness. He started with flinging the sugar packets at me and ended with him putting cake frosting on my wine glass. I’d like to say I was better but I wasn’t. Here are some pictures.

IMG_5609 IMG_5610 IMG_5611IMG_5613He said if I got cold I could borrow his sweater. Do you like how we are protecting his identity with the Sam label? That was his idea. Sam said I looked homely. After 12 hours I suppose I did, but I did look good earlier:

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We talked. We walked around some more. Saw the Castillo De San Marcos & Old School House again. Went to see Meehan’s but I was driving back that night so I didn’t want to drink anymore. We watched Legally Blonde back at the condo. I ended up falling asleep as usual. Sam had covered me up and let me sleep while he did more work. I woke up about an hour later before driving home. He said I could stay but I didn’t think it would be appropriate even though we both knew nothing would happen. If I didn’t take that short nap I might have because I was super tired.

I really do like Sam. We talked about how weird it would be if we actually did date. We both agreed we couldn’t though. While we have a lot of fun together, we have different morals and values. In the long run, I think we’d get frustrated with each other and it would end badly. So for now, I don’t want to lose our friendship. I think sometimes we forget that people do enter our lives for different reasons. And it’s okay to like someone and not date them. One of the things I like most about Sam is how open and honest we are with each other. I’m free to be myself and not feel judged. I can be silly and it won’t matter. I don’t think either of us thought we’d meet someone decent on Tinder. He remained my friend even when I was dating someone else and that meant a lot to me. I didn’t know it until yesterday but the last time he was down, he had already budgeted out a ticket for me to go to Disney with him and his family again. I didn’t end up going to see him because I had a feeling he would pay for me and I didn’t feel right about it because I was seeing someone else. He is just really thoughtful and sweet. I’m excited to see what the future brings for both of our lives. 🙂

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Tender Tinder Pt 3: Dan the Man

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At this point I was pretty much done with tinder. It was dumb. I hate the site. And I never should have went on it. I had stopped swiping, stopped chatting, it just wasn’t real. One of the last people I ended up talking to was Dan. He messaged me about knowing a mutual friend. He had said we met before but I didn’t remember him. We did end up having a few mutual friends in common and that is what we talked about. He wanted to meet for a drink right away. I didn’t really acknowledge that until we talked further. I messaged our mutual friend and asked her about him. She told me about what a great guy he was and how he treated his last girlfriend like a princess. It was then I agreed to meet him:)

I hadn’t seen our mutual friend in a while so I arranged for a double date where Dan and I could meet and hang out with our mutual friend and her husband. We all decided to meet for a late afternoon lunch because our friend had plans earlier that day. Dan and I weren’t busy earlier so he asked me if I wanted to meet up beforehand. We met up at the local downtown art festival that was happening that weekend. He was cute. And he was nice. We walked around and talked while looking at some of the art. His taste in art wasn’t the best. You can learn a lot about someone while shopping. See, shopping has multiple benefits;-). We talked about a lot of deep stuff. This is not unusual for me. Having deep conversations are one of my favorite things to do. It was nice talking to him, especially since we could relate to each other with various things we had been through.

We both were very hungry so we decided to eat downtown at the art festival. Shortly after, we left to meet our friends for food, as well. We didn’t tell them we just ate; we both just laughed as we ordered again. I think this was my first time to ever go on a double date as a first date. I always appreciate new experiences and we had such a great time; though, I was probably most excited about seeing my friend that I hadn’t seen in a while. We all parted ways after lunch and Dan made a point to tell me he had a great time. He didn’t say anything about hanging out again at the time so I went a few hours dealing with insecure thoughts. [Insert tangent here: I try to fight them but it’s hard sometimes. It makes me feel weak and I don’t like being weak. But it’s something I’ve been working on the past few years. People have always mentioned how I have been intimidating but I never understood why. Not fully at least. My close friends know I’m not. It wasn’t until one of my friends mentioned about how I always seem to have it all together and so strong; I don’t, but I’ve always made it a point to not show my struggles. That was a mistake at times. People tend to put me in my own category. I’m not real. It’s easy for Sarah because it’s Sarah. I didn’t realize that was the impression I was giving off. It’s also part of the reason I started my blog. I strive for perfection but sometimes my life is really tough. God gives me so much strength and because I don’t want to sound like a whiner, I never really talked about how tough life can be at times. It’s not exactly easy being a Christian. It’s not easy making the right decisions all the time. And it’s definitely not easy being 29 and a virgin. But it is possible. And it is more than worth it.]

Dan ended up texting me later that night about how I had piqued his interest. As we continued to talk, I think we both had similar views on relationships; we’ve both been hurt and it somewhat makes us cynical or jaded. It’s something I have learned to work through as God heals my heart each time. But it’s worth it and that’s why I keep going back. Trying. Loving. It’s a fine line between guarding your heart, yet loving and being vulnerable. I think I’m still trying to figure out where that line is exactly. But the most important thing to me at the end of the day is how much I loved. And sometimes that means getting hurt and I’d say it’s worth it. Dan’s last relationship was a long one and he had thought they were going to get married. It was obvious he was still dealing with a lot of the pain.

Dan and I ended up meeting again for dinner. This is when we got pretty deep. He was going out of town the following week and wanted me to go with him. What?! Even if I had wanted to, that would not have been a good idea. I learned my lesson from the last time I did that and will more than likely do a blog post about that experience. Dan opened up a lot about his previous relationship and it became apparent he still needed to heal from that. We still wanted to talk but the restaurant was closing so he ended up driving us to the beach nearby. I think he thought it would be romantic. It made me nervous. I always hate these parts of dates and wondering if a guy is going to try to make a move or not. Then I always feel bad not letting them while trying to explain why. Awkward. Fortunately, we continued our deep conversation and HE ended up bringing up what I normally like to talk about, but in a bad way haha. “So my brother is dating this girl and he is about to propose to her and they haven’t even kissed, isn’t that crazy?!” I don’t think he was expecting my response. I think he was hoping I’d agree and it would make him more confident about making a move. I, however, told him how I thought that was an awesome idea and was able to explain more of my views. We ended up talking a lot about God. He, like many, has been burned by people in the church and has stopped going. He isn’t ready to live for God so he won’t go. He doesn’t want to be a hypocrite and in some ways I respect that. I just wish he wouldn’t let others interfere with his relationship with God. Maybe one day.

Things weren’t the same with us after that night. We continued to text but it wasn’t the same. I struggled internally with insecurities. Why doesn’t he like me anymore? Did I say something wrong? Instead of realizing that he wasn’t the guy for me and was only looking for the type of girl I am not, I took it personally. I set out to try and make him like me again. I was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t there. That shouldn’t be there. It was all for my own vanity which I am ashamed to admit. I found myself making excuses for him left and right. It wasn’t until his party that I realized I was done. I met his parents (this always happens to me lol) and got along with them so well. Dan and I had a good time at the party, but didn’t spend too much of it together. It wasn’t until toward the end that I realized he had a girl that came with him. He never told me about this. I was just so naive. She was just a friend visiting from out of town, but it was clear there was something more. He wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. He was looking for temporary girls to fill his void until he left to go explore the world. He honestly needs to figure out who he is. I just wish he wouldn’t use girls in the process. He had told me he respected me before and that he wasn’t the guy I was looking for, I just didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to believe it. I believed in him. I thought I could change him but I realized I couldn’t. Only God can do that.

We didn’t talk after that day. We both knew. People really do come into our lives for certain seasons. Sometimes we need to hold on instead of letting go and other times we need to let go instead of holding on.

I also deleted tinder.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Hamed Saber via photopin cc

Tender Tinder Pt 2: Sam and the Fam!

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Okay, so my last blog post on my first tinder experience was rather long and slightly sad. Hopefully this one will be a little more upbeat. I know what you are probably already thinking- after going through that whole ordeal with Matt, why in the world would I stay on tinder?! It’s funny. Lisa wanted to be strong like me but I wasn’t feeling very strong at this point. Maybe another guy would come along to boost my ego and make me feel like I mattered. They all couldn’t be as bad as Matt. Shortly after the Matt incident, I received a message from Sam. That’s how tinder works. Instant gratification.

Sam started off our conversation with some quirky joke that both made me laugh and found him intriguing. He was very confident in himself and approached the whole situation very differently than Matt did. Within a few messages, he assured me that he felt I was not a psycho crazy person and wanted to exchange numbers. He also gave me his Facebook information so we could become friends and I could check him out to see if he was normal. At least slightly. Like I said, very different than Matt.

Sam and I had a lot in common and were raised pretty much the same way. Our personalities clicked and we had the same unique, odd sense of humor where we could laugh at ourselves. Sam didn’t live here though. He was only visiting family which is how we were able to get matched. He was also very forward. Within a few days, he wanted to see if I wanted to go to a local theme park with him and his entire family. Is this real life? Who does that?! Sam does.

While that forwardness and intentionality normally scares me, I found myself liking it. I met Sam and his family at the hotel they were staying at near the theme park a few days later. Early. I thought we were going to eat breakfast at the hotel before heading over to the park but I was wrong. This was not a good sign seeing how important food is to me. Things kind of happened before I could ascertain what was going on. All I know is that most of his family was heading over in one vehicle, while Sam and his dad both jumped into my truck to head over. Okay. We argued on the way to the park on the best way to get there. The thing I liked best about Sam was how I felt we had been friends forever. The way we acted you would have never guessed we had just met. I like to attribute this to my superb people skills. Or we were just both pretty easy going lol.

We had an awesome day at the park. It was Sam, his parents, his grandma, his sister, and the sister’s two kids. Everyone treated me like family and was so loving and nice. I will say it was a little awkward when Sam’s sister asked how we met. How do you explain that? Awkward situation with my awkward self does not mix well. Sam and I had a great time and he always wanted to make sure we were doing what I wanted and going on the rides I wanted. Even though we were surrounded by his entire family, he made a point to make sure I was having a good time. While I don’t know his motives, it’s always nice to feel loved. I appreciated his efforts.

His family left sometime in the afternoon and we ended up staying until they closed at midnight. If you can make it through a theme park, going 16 hours strong, you might be able to make it through anything. We were able to talk, laugh, and discuss important things. Sam is somewhat shy, which helped in preventing him from making any sort of move on me. This is good because I would have had to shut.him.down. As mentioned before, I like to take things really slow. I still remember one of the rides we went on later that night. It was a sit down, movie type ride and we were the only ones on it, waiting for it to start. We were sitting toward the middle, three or so rows from the front with the entire place to ourselves. Right before it started, an older couple came in and sat right next to me- out of at least 300 seats! I couldn’t help but laugh. Any move Sam was planning to make was squashed. We still joke about this.

Notice how I said still. Sam and I are actually pretty good friends today. While we have a lot in common and have fun with each other, we are in different places in life. I also think we are on different levels and looking for different things. And that’s okay. We respect each other and agree that we aren’t right for each other. I think establishing that upfront has helped with our friendship. I think Sam and I will always be friends. He is a great guy. We both acknowledge how rare it was for us to find each other on a site like tinder and I think that helps us value each other more. Chalk one up for tinder. Check back later this week for part 3 of ‘Tender Tinder’ when I talk about the last guy I met on there.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

Tender Tinder Pt. 1: Matt… And Lisa

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I still remember laying in bed trying to fall asleep and my friend texting me, telling me I needed to download an app stat. Like right then. “It’s called Tinder and it is soooo funny.” Being a lover of most things funny, I downloaded it with little hesitation. In the process of learning about the app, I became completely adamant about not doing a dating site. She assured me that it wasn’t and was just an app where you swipe through different people. Okay, in her defense, it was hilarious. It is somewhat empowering, perhaps a tad controlling, to pick and choose what people you potentially wanted to talk to. Mind you, for those of you that do not know, you choose who you want to talk to based on four pictures and a short bio. Not. shallow. at. all.

Anyone that appeared not crazy I would swipe right to. I think it’s right. Right meant you’d be interested in them; it’s a match and you both are notified when both swiped right. I honestly swiped right on people I didn’t care for just because I was curious if they’d swipe right too. Real mature, I know. Looking back, I definitely shouldn’t have done that. I was left with matches of people I didn’t care to talk to; and it was worse when they would initiate conversation and I just wouldn’t respond. I question my judgement sometimes. I did have one rule- I would not initiate any conversation first. I know this may seem silly but it was a way to weed out some people and I have always appreciated it when guys pursue. I believe in girls letting guys know they are interested but I think we should encourage men to take on leadership roles more.

Okay, enough of the build up, let’s get to the good part. Matt. Or should I say Matt and Lisa. The conversations I had prior to talking to Matt on Tinder aren’t even worth talking about. They were “hey” and “what’s up?” nothing much more. Shallow is the word I would use to describe them. Matt was different. Matt’s very first message to me stood out from the rest. It was honest, real, and made me feel valued and appreciated; he talked about specific things he liked in my bio and was extremely respectful. Matt was the only person I talked to consistently and we would talk almost everyday; every night around 8, except for the weekends because we were both very busy. We would talk about everything from work and our past weekends to goals, values, and dreams. I felt like I was in a relationship, though only emotionally. It was safe because he was at a distance; he couldn’t hurt me… Or so I thought.

We both said we liked taking things slow and I appreciated that. There were a few bumps in the road through the course of us talking that seemed weird, now that I look back on them, that I easily excused. Maybe because I am too trusting, maybe because I didn’t want to see the truth. We became unmatched on Tinder and his entire profile was gone from me. I remember going through a whole emotional roller coaster in one day over someone I hadn’t even met in person. How dumb. It’s hard when you let someone in and become vulnerable. You give them authority and power to hurt you. Matt ended up finding me on Facebook the next day, which in itself seemed to be a miracle, since he had little knowledge on who I was and didn’t even know my last name. He sent me a message through Facebook and told me he did an update on his phone and that the Tinder app happened to get deleted. He explained how upset he was and hoped I didn’t find him contacting me on Facebook as creepy. I actually liked it. It is fun to feel pursued. We became Facebook friends and ended up moving on. We also exchanged numbers and would text throughout the week. One day I noticed that we weren’t Facebook friends anymore and the same emotional feelings of when I lost Matt on Tinder arose again. Matt ended up asking me why I deleted him on Facebook. Are you serious? He was the one that deleted me! After working through that- as in agreeing that we didn’t know what happened and getting no real answer, we both continued forward. Our whole “relationship” lasted about a month. It was when I noticed Lisa that things were turned upside down.

Matt doesn’t post much on Facebook. Like seriously, there seemed to be no difference in what I could see with being his friend on there as opposed to not. Some people are private and I respect that. However, it was when I noticed that a girl named Lisa referenced him as “babe” in a comment that I really questioned things. I clicked on her page to see who she was (seriously, I should have really pursued becoming a detective or joining the FBI with these skills, right?) and that is when I saw everything I needed; pictures of Matt and Lisa all over her profile. The weddings he told me about, the theme parks he mentioned- they were all with her. And I never even thought to ask. Never crossed my mind. I hate being involved with situations like this. Guys- in case you are wondering why girls get suspicious or feel the need to snoop through guys’ phones this is why! People like Matt. Instead of allowing Matt to hurt me or have a negative effect on me in future dealings with guys, I did the best I could to learn from it and be more cautious of who I talk to.

Matt and I were in the middle of a deep conversation via text (that is what I liked most about him) when I just came out and wrote- “How long has it been since your last relationship?” That is when he started to tell me everything. About how he had been trying to get out of a relationship for the past 4 months. And how I needed to hear him out. About how it looked a lot worse than it is. It was all too much to handle at that time. I was leaving to see my dad for the weekend the next day and because I do give people the benefit of the doubt, I agreed to talk to him on my way back, a few days later via phone. This would be the one and only time I would talk to him over the phone.

In the middle of my trip, I noticed that Lisa started following me on Instagram. That is when I realized I was in the middle of something I never thought I would be in. Matt and I talked for a couple hours on my way home. I told him about how I was feeling and how I didn’t really trust him anymore. Matt had an answer for everything. It was hard not to believe him. He explained how he met her over the past weekend and ended things again. My mind at this point was how in the world do you try to break up with someone for 4 months- and how is it different this time?! He went on to say how he had blocked her from everything and even sent me screenshots of previous texts that showed how he had tried to end it but she always wanted another chance. He gave me so much evidence and proof- it was hard not to believe that she was genuinely crazy. I told him that we would see how things go and I just observed and watched for the following days. I prayed a lot.

There was a lot of truth in what Matt told me as I would soon be contacted by his now ex-girlfriend within a couple of days. I received one of the meanest letters I have ever gotten via Facebook explaining what a horrible person I was from Lisa. It was clear she was hurt. And my heart broke. So many people told me not to write her back but I couldn’t help but to think about what I would have wanted if I had been in her shoes. She felt so lost. So hurt. So betrayed. So broken. Throughout everything, I learned she had been the one that deleted his Tinder app. She deleted me off of his Facebook. She had known about me from the beginning and here she was losing the love of her life because of me in her eyes. I honestly didn’t know who to believe or who was crazy between Matt and Lisa, maybe they both were.

I ended up telling Matt that this was too much for me. And I didn’t trust him anymore anyway. I sent some messages back and forth with Lisa, and as I started to piece things together with her she started to hate me less and less. She didn’t want to believe me and I understand that. She was shocked by the things he said about her and what he did. I started to question why God had allowed this situation to happen, one where there would be so much hurt and betrayal. I began to look at it as though maybe I could help Lisa in some way. I wanted to empower her, I wanted to give her strength. Instead of labeling her as crazy because of her actions, I began to see her actions as results of someone who had been abused, verbally and emotionally. Matt led her to believe he cared about, even while he was breaking up with her. That is why when I told him I could’t continue to talk to him anymore, he went right back to her. Her last words to me were “I wish I was as strong as you.” I still pray for them, for both of them. It’s easy to look and wonder how someone could go back to someone like that, after she has seen all he has done. But she loved him. And she was so scared. It’s frightening to leave what you have in hopes for something more. But sometimes you have to leave in order to obtain something better. I pray she has the strength to do that someday.

-the virgin heartbreaker

*names have been changed.

photo credit: Andreanna Moya Photography via photopin cc