Tag Archives: sex

To the Christian having sex outside of marriage

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I was watching an episode of the Bachelorette last week. Becca, the Bachelorette, has a very prominent cross tattooed on her hand. She’s mentioned her faith before so I think it’s safe to assume she calls herself a Christian. And this happened to be the episode Colton decided to let Becca know he was still a virgin. I was excited to see her reaction to seeing someone who (may) takes the principles of God seriously. That has convictions he can commit to, standards he’s set for himself.

As Christians, we know one of God’s teachings is saving sex for your spouse. There are numerous scriptures on this subject. Lots of benefits to this as you can see from several of my other posts. But the fact remains, regardless if we know these benefits or not, do we trust God and His Word?

With this mindset, I would assume that anyone claiming to follow Christ would strive for this. It would be widely accepted and expected in the Christian community. Not something taboo or avoided. And most certainly, not something frowned upon.

Becca’s reaction was quite different from what I was expecting. She needed a moment to wrap her mind around Colton’s virginity and referred to Colton as one who isn’t as experienced. A “Christian” being disappointed in someone saving himself or herself for the right person, as if the lack of experience was a bad thing. We can say it’s TV but unfortunately, I see it all around me. I was shocked but not at the same time.

Do people, especially Christians, correlate abstinence with inexperience rather than commitment? Do people really view sexual experience as more attractive- desiring physical satisfaction over emotional commitment? I just can’t believe that is true. Not long term. Not when we get vulnerable and completely honest with ourselves. Not when doubts, insecurities, and comparisons start rising up as we struggle to push them back down.

Christians having sex outside of marriage has become almost expected. I saw it consistently when I was doing online dating- the “christian” box checked, along with the “as long as marriage is imminent, sex is okay,” “in the context of a loving relationship, sex is okay,” or “I accept sex as a natural part of dating” answer given. And it’s something we don’t talk about. It’s something we avoid. We can go down the whole rabbit trail of everyone sins or no one is perfect, but this is a continuous choice with no heart of conviction or repentance seen. It’s simply not logical to group this sin with others. This is a consistent, ongoing sin, justified or ignored in the Christian community.

We now have statements like “I didn’t know you were that type of Christian” or “the Bible is outdated” and “God cares more about your heart” or “I believe in God but I’m not that religious” in an attempt to justify decisions we want to make, as to almost try and take advantage of our loving Father. Funny how we sometimes can talk about how much God loves us but forget to show God how much we love Him…

It’s like we want a convenient god. One there when we want him for his perceived benefits, without having to follow his way. One we can push to the side, as we slip into bed. A god we can mold into our own image. So we cover ourselves in feel good paraphernalia:

He>i
Cross symbol
Fish symbol
Faith
Hope
G >∧∨

We have these cute sayings and symbols on jewelry, tattoos, cars, offices- everywhere but our hearts. Do we understand what they were designed to mean? Are we living them out in our daily lives? Do we really believe what we say we believe?

God is greater than my desires.
I will put Him before myself.
I will remember what He did for me, and choose to use my life to make Him known.
I have a faith in who He is that brings a hope for what is to come.
Faith that He knows what He is doing when He gives us rules.
Hope that His ways are far better than ours.
And that we’ll choose to trust even when it doesn’t make sense, even when it doesn’t feel good.
That He, above everything else, is truly greater than the highs and lows.

The way He loves us and relentlessly desires what’s best for us amazes me. And honestly, the more I realize His love for me, the easier it becomes to follow His ways. It’s become easier to wait for marriage because I know He wouldn’t withhold anything good from me. I just pray and hope you know that type of love. That you realize how much He cares for you and desires nothing short of the best possible plans for you to be so holy and full of so much joy.

I think, at the end of the day, it comes down to not really believing what we say we believe. Because if we truly believe in God and truly love Him as we say, wouldn’t we want to follow Him? Less to do with sexual desires, more to do with our faith levels? Because it’s not our legalistic rule following God is after, it’s our heart full of trust in Him He desires. So I pray you search your heart. I pray you have the courage to cut off whatever sin is still lingering out there and choose to trust that His way is in fact, truly so much better.

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You made her crazy

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I was listening to the second date update on the radio this past week. Stories about people that have gone on one date with someone, never hear from the other person again, and want to know what happened. So on this one, a girl went on a first date with this guy, she said it went great and he even kissed her at the end of the night. Then bam! Ghosted. The radio calls him to find out what happened. He says he wasn’t really feeling it, the date was not that great, and that she went psycho and liked all his old pics on Facebook.

So here’s my question for the guy- why in the world did you kiss her if you weren’t feeling it?!

People tend to associate physical aspects to a genuine like or love of another person. So what is really happening here is a sending of mixed signals. You are feeling one way but acting in a different manner. Heads up- this will cause anyone to act crazy because they are trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. This is a lose-lose situation with no answer that can make logical sense. Her attempts of “not leaving you alone” are actually just her attempts to get some type of closure.

This leads down the whole “you lead her on” debate. Did you really lead her on or were you just trying to get to know her? Oftentimes both parties can feel guilty for breaking up with someone because they are now hurting the other person. This is unfortunately the risk we take sometimes when we choose to date. But are there ways to make this less painful, less crazy? Yes! You choose to really get to know her, not use her. If you really care about not hurting her and really care about putting her first, choose to put your physical desires to the side and get to know her. Her dreams, hopes, goals, likes, dislikes, and just simply enjoy each other. You’ll know much sooner whether or not you see a future with her if you leave the physical aspects to the side.

If you want to avoid any “crazy” behavior from girls, be sure to know yourself before inviting someone in. Not only knowing yourself, but being comfortable with yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. It’s hard for a girl to know if she likes you if you don’t even know yourself. I’ve had guys act like prince charming in the beginning, rolling out the red carpet, only for that behavior to change drastically. Once he hooks you, the true colors come out. Gaslighting is a popular tactic. Its goal is to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. You start to treat them poorly. You become secretive or evasive and then make them feel dumb when they start to question you for clarity. This creates chaos in their mind as they try to piece together the fragments. Wondering if the guy they fell in love with ever really existed.

It finally comes to a head when she tries to come to terms with reality. The fact that you didn’t really love her. She wants to believe you did, that you do, but she knows the truth deep down. There were both good and bad times. And she’s just trying to make sense of it all. So the confusion turns to chaos and the chaos turns to crazy. We all crave love so badly. So she either remains crazy, believing all the lies and hurt was really love. Or she accepts the fact that you never really loved her. Both are sad options in her mind. But one eventually allows her to move on. One gives her hope. One gives her the ability to leave all the craziness behind.

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Concern versus control- 25 ways to tell the difference

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I’m finally able to finish and wrap up my posts centered on abuse. For some reason I couldn’t finish but now I can. This one is hard to learn and navigate because I’m so independent. How do you know if someone is genuinely concerned for you or is just trying to control you?

Getting out of an abusive relationship can be difficult and dangerous. You sure you didn’t do something to make him mad? He looks so sad. Forgive and forget. When you love someone- you stay with them through the bad stuff and you know why they do what they do (their childhood, etc.) so you excuse their behavior. We forget it’s possible to forgive and still leave. We forget it’s possible to still love and say no more. You don’t allow yourself to keep being abused.

A simple internet search shows us signs of abuse. Does your boyfriend act in ways that scare you, does he act jealous or possessive, does he try to control you or need to know where you are at all times, does he check your email, phone messages, or texts? Does he tell you what to wear or make you change your clothes? Does he call you or text you excessively or insist that you answer his calls within a specific frame of time? Does he shove, hit, or kick you? Does he blame you for the hurtful things he says or does?

Concern for your well-being is good; control is not. Sometimes it can be very difficult to tell the difference because the difference may be in motives and not necessarily actions. Here’s 25 ways to try and help you navigate:

Concern wants to make your life better; control wants you to make their life better

Concern encourages your own identity; control gradually steals your identity

Concern wants you to pursue your dreams; control finds reasons for you to pursue theirs

Concern helps you to seek God for answers; control tells you they already have the answers

Concern wants you to be happy; control wants you to be only happy with them

Concern convicts; control condemns

Concern is protective; control is suspicious

Concern feels pain when he’s hurt you; control feels empowered

Concern feels bad for mistakes made; control tells you we all make mistakes

Concern guides you; control guilts you

Concern helps to bring out the real you; control suppresses the real you

Concern cares about your convictions; control cares only about theirs

Concern is open and direct; control is secretive and vague

Concern talks rationally; control talks in extremes

Concern protects; control threatens

Concern accepts responsibility for their actions; control excuses their behavior and twists it back to put the blame on you

Concern is humble and looks for ways to improve; control highlights their strengths

Concern cares about your desires and needs; control has to have their way

Concern makes you feel safe; control makes you look for ways out

Concern makes you feel free; control makes you feel in bondage

Concern brings clarity; control brings confusion

Concern leaves you with peace; control leaves you in denial

Concern is always honest; control lies if it’s in his best interest

Concern respects your boundaries; control looks for ways to invade them

Concern loves you, control wants you

Because some of these do have to do with motives and not actions, one of the best things on your side is time. Does he do what is right to avoid negative consequences, to maintain his image, or for admiration or is he motivated by Christ’s love? Don’t refuse to look at all angles of a person or take the time to observe their behavior objectively because you are afraid to face the truth. It’s easy to watch their behavior when everything is going great but what happens when you disagree? What are they like under pressure? If there is something they are hiding, there is something they haven’t dealt with yet. And if they haven’t had time to heal, they will attempt to go through the healing process at your expense. A person needs to be complete in Christ or they will end up abusing you in an attempt to find wholeness.

Honestly, at the end of the day, concern doesn’t even look like control. Not when you take the time to step back and look at it objectively, putting your emotions to the side. Concern will feel like love. A love that puts you before themselves. And control will not. So if you’re already questioning, you already know.

– the virgin heartbreaker

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Confidence over comparing- my boyfriend’s ex

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Few things I hate more than comparing. Nothing steals joy quicker. Nothing deceives us more. We are tempted to compare in so many aspects of our lives- is she prettier, is she more successful, does she make more money, why does everyone seem to like her? The list is endless; the devil knows our insecurities and hits us where it hurts most.

One area he gets ahold of us is when we start comparing ourselves to our boyfriend’s exes. It’s hard to enjoy the love, the excitement, the closeness if you are constantly comparing or dwelling on an ex. We compare the gifts, the time, the places, the experiences, the laughter, and most importantly the place she may still have in his heart. All leading up to the question we desire to know most:

Does he love me more than he loved her?

And we begin to seek validation through his actions and his words. So instead of enjoying them, instead of appreciating them, we often compare them. Slowly chipping away any confidence we have. Is that what he called her? Did he take her here before? I wonder if this is as nice as what he got her? Comparing is a strong temptation and society doesn’t make it any easier for us.

But the one thing we seem to forget is that love is love and there is no cap. Love doesn’t expire. It doesn’t run out. And it certainly isn’t all dried up by the time he meets you. If anything, the capacity for love is greater. His past love for her has no bearing on the depth of his love for you now.

The other thing we seem to forget is he is with you and not her. He chose to be with you. The two of you are together for a reason. Whatever that reason may be, God knows. There will always be good memories with exes; at one point in time we liked them, maybe even loved them. But there are also bad memories. Memories bad enough to end things. Memories he may have even forgotten but ones that make him appreciate you even more, that make him value you more than you’ll ever know.

So while we are left comparing in our minds, he isn’t. He’s with you. He’s with you because he loves you so enjoy it. Choose confidence over comparing. He’s with you because you are whom his soul loves.

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The greatest love I’ve ever known, the greatest love I’ve found

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It’s only fitting to finish the love month of blog posts by sharing with you about the best love I’ve found. I was listening to the radio the other day and they shared a little bit of the history of Valentine’s Day. One version, at least. But it struck me and reminded me of just one of the reasons I’ve always loved Valentine’s Day; it’s another excuse to show those around you how much you love them. Some argue you can do that any day and I agree but why not include this day, as well?

So apparently Saint Valentine was a priest in Rome who was imprisoned for helping Christians. A Roman Emperor tried to convert him to Roman paganism; if he converted, his life would be spared. Not only did Saint Valentine refuse to convert but he was actually executed for trying to convert the Emperor to Christianity. But before his execution, he would send messages about Christ’s love out, signing them Your Valentine. Love letters about God’s love.

I love my boyfriend. I love him more than I loved any other guy. But let me tell you why. The best thing about him is the love he has for Christ. It’s that love, that respect for God that manifests itself in ways that make me feel so unbelievably loved. And I’ve learned the only way someone can love this deeply is if they have Christ’s love. Because I know his love for me doesn’t depend on my behavior, whether good or bad in that moment, but in who he is in Christ.

1 John 4:19 says “We love because He first loved us.” It’s that love that pours out in an abundance showing signs of love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, patience, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not dishonoring, not self-seeking, not easily angered, not keeping a record of wrong, not delighting in evil, rejoicing in truth, protecting, trusting, hopeful, and persevering (Galatians and 1 Corinthians ). Wow. You see, I’m not talking about attraction here. Infatuation. Similar personalities or success. I’m talking about something that reaches so much deeper. Something we don’t often talk about it.

Jesus was our prime example of this love. Humbling himself- not prideful, not focusing on what he felt he deserved. So full of grace, mercy, forgiveness. This is the greatest love I’ve found. When I was at my worst, He loved me evermore. This is the love that never fails because Jesus never fails. This is the love that endures because Jesus is always with us. This is the love that is eternal because Jesus is with us to the end of time. When you find that love, you desire nothing more than to share it with others. I pray you feel His love more than ever.

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*Special shout out to Wikipedia and my wonderful boyfriend with their help with this post:)

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I can make the bad guys good for a weekend

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And so can you. But is that really what you want?

He will go to church with you.
He will do some cute devotionals with you.
Pray with you.
He will wait to have sex after marriage.
Whatever you desire spiritually.

But the key word here is “you,” not him. Not what he truly wants or desires. Been there, done that. You do not want to know what I’ve tried to make work. But he wants us so isn’t that good enough? I wish it was but that never works long term. There are too many internal struggles and a whole lot of resentment. God’s grace and a changed heart are the only times I have seen it work out and there were many problems in between. Respect for him is what is lacking and respect is what we want most.

I was listening to the radio and people were calling in to say what changed about their spouse once they got married and the only two mentioned had to do with a wife (now ex-wife) not realizing how religious her husband was prior to them getting married (she says he changed) and another saying after getting married to her husband in a catholic church and him attending church with her while they were dating, she found out he was atheist. Who do we blame? Is someone really at fault?

We either dumb down our faith for the sake of who we think we want to be with or our partner will amuse us by doing, attending, thinking, saying what it is they think we want. I wish I was immune to this fatal trap. An amazing personality, good looks, intellect… They intrigue me and I convince myself they probably have a good heart deep down. And maybe they do. But that doesn’t mean they are the one for me. And it doesn’t mean they are the one for you. I think there is something empowering about feeling like we impacted a guy. They changed their ways because of us. This is how we can quickly become the cause of our own destruction. Because at the end of the day, while you may make the bad guys good for a weekend, they are still bad guys.

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And this is why you date

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This is what Regina said to me at work today. It’s still hard to wrap my brain around, so fresh, so new, and I’m still hurting. I’m crying as I type this; I never used to cry when I was younger, but I guess that is what God does to you. He shakes your entire being; He shows what it means to truly love, to truly feel. I couldn’t get past the conversation I had with Tom last Thursday night. Through discussing charity drives and stem cell research, to who should die when giving childbirth if you had to choose- the mom or the child. Tom said the mom. Matter of fact, without missing a beat. Of course he would. He has everything calculated, logically planned according to his brain, and influenced by many “smart good christians.” Something in my spirit didn’t feel right when I read those words he typed to me. “Emotionally save the wife, spiritually save the child.” What does that even mean? I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because honestly I didn’t know. The area is so gray and I would have to hear from God. I would probably choose the kid, but does that mean my husband should choose to let me die, as well? Something just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t so much him wanting to save the kid as it was the lack of feelings, emotions, and love I read in his robotic responses. He apologized for bringing up something so deep a month into our relationship but did say it was something I need to think about. Thanks, Tom.

I chose to move on and acted normal the next day; it was his birthday. We had a good time and a good Bible study. I sometimes wonder if we are on the same page or not. Our conversation about him choosing to kill me over the kid (he doesn’t like that wording but that is really what it is whether you want to be technical about it or not) weighed on me all weekend as I went to see my dad. Of course I talked about how great Tom was and all of his good qualities. Many of his actions I still do respect; his heart is another story. Tom and I didn’t talk about it any further. Yesterday (Monday) at work was awful. All I could think about was our conversation. How can I continue to joke, engage, and love (I didn’t use this word with Tom, but it is so easy for me to love and I know I loved him) someone and still think you may want to marry them when you don’t know if they are capable of loving? This is the greatest commandment and yet his love for his wife wasn’t mentioned once. I don’t get it.

So I had to say something. I always say something sooner or later. We went back and forth on messaging for hours. I know in person might have been better but I couldn’t wait. I also like to think about what he said and think about what I want to say. I never like to say anything in haste or full of fleshly emotions. I need time. Time to digest. Time to hear God. The conversation was not good. He was so set that he could not see nor understand where I was coming from. I felt as though he thought I was a horrible person because “what kind of person would kill their child?” and went as far to basically say I believe in late-term abortion. He accused me of being set in my ways just as much or more but my ways were I don’t know, it’s gray, and I would have to hear God. I don’t see what is wrong with that? He believes it is black and white and just the same as killing an innocent child out on the street. What?! I felt like I was talking to a wall. It was so draining. I’m scared. I don’t think this is something we can work through. You can’t make someone love. I’ve never really been in a situation like this. Someone so perfect yet so absent of feelings. Granted, I hope to never be in this situation but it showed me a lot about his character. As consistent and high as his morals and values are, without love, you are nothing. Dating allows you to see whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with that person and it also affords you the freedom to break it off if not.

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Mom’s Advice & Dating

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Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mommies out there and a big special HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to mine. I decided to a post on mother’s advice because my mom has been so instrumental in helping me to become the woman I am today. And I can’t thank her enough. Although I am very fortunate enough to have her as a mother, I hope there is someone you can identify in your life that has been a strong role model for you that will help you to relate and realize how blessed you are. There are many reasons I love my mom and when it comes to dating, these are some of the reasons I trust her as much as I do.

She’s never been wrong. Yes, I hate to admit this one but it’s true. One thing I don’t think we realize or want to realize is that we are emotionally attached when we like someone and we will excuse that person’s behavior to no end. However, moms aren’t and they can see right through the smoke screen we fall under the spell of.

She understands. My mom has never acted like I was dumb for liking someone I shouldn’t. She always acknowledges that my feelings are real and they matter. She encourages me to get closure as long as she believes I am healthy enough to handle it. She knows me better than I know myself. And though I may make dumb decisions, she understands and helps me to work though it.

Her mistakes were mistakes I didn’t have to go through. I’ve never understood the mentality my peers had while growing up. I would hear the excuse “Well you drank, well you had sex, well you did ” when they would argue with their parents. This was done in hopes to justify their choices. I would hope that each generation improves as we are able to learn from our elders. My mom has always told me she wants a better life for me than she had for herself. It was never about keeping good things away from me but protecting me from the bad so I could have the best life possible. She has always been so open and honest about her life and because of that there are many mistakes I was fortunate enough to avoid. It is such a blessing not having to learn the hard way.

She loves me unconditionally. I think the one thing that trumps everything else and why I am able to trust my mom as I much as I do, is the fact I know she loves me unconditionally. When you feel that unconditional love, you feel so safe and secure that you can do anything. Without it, you are always on guard and are left to question motives. Because of my mom, I now know what unconditional love looks like and can only hope to love people the way she does.

I wouldn’t say my mom is a tough mom when it comes to potential boyfriends. She isn’t too concerned with money. She wants me to be attracted to him but looks aren’t that important. And while a fun personality is a plus, that won’t win her over either. No, my mom has and always will look for one thing- will this guy love my daughter the way Christ loved the church? And she knows. She’s unbelievably smart. And this is why I don’t bring many guys home to meet her. She’ll point out what I already know deep down. Thank you mom for teaching me self-respect- letting me know my value and worth. I love you so much! Oh, and good luck future suitors:p

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The difference between loving someone and being in love

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I love all of my exes. I am not in love with any of them. There is a difference, there has to be a difference. But what is it exactly? Does being “in love” go away? I’m not really sure but I have a flood of thoughts that run through my head that I felt like sharing. I think the Bible talks about many different types of love, but we just use the one word love. It’s kind of sad when you think about. The same word is used in the context of “man, I love this pizza” and “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Like whoa. Let that sink in for a second.

I posed this to my friends and all of their responses just confused me more. There were some real honest feelings spoken that I appreciated and they made me think more. Although my friend that posted “I love my children with all my heart and nobody bats an eye; I fall in love with my daughter and everyone loses their minds,” made me laugh while pointing out that there is indeed a difference.

You can love people you don’t necessarily like. I don’t think you can be in love with someone you don’t even like. Yea, I’m sure there will be times you don’t like the person you are in love with because of something dumb or annoying they did but in general you like them. I think the being in love aspect adds a new dynamic where you like them as a person and who they are, aside from any romantic feelings. And then that grows into a love for them. Sometimes it just stops there. Other times it continues to grow into something more. People use the term fall in love and act like it’s a bad thing because you don’t fall into anything; but, I see falling in love as something that grows and develops over time. If you have it from the beginning, I don’t see how that can be real love. Infatuation, maybe lust, dependency, obsession but don’t call it love. You don’t even know the person yet. I think more times than not, we are simply in love with the idea of being in love. It’s when real life happens and push comes to shove that we see where we’re really at, how we really feel, and what really matters most to us. When you are in love with someone you will do anything for them and nothing else matters because honestly, love is what makes us feel most alive. Real love is what keeps us going- not our job, our money, our fame, our house. So many people have all of these things yet feel so alone and empty. And I know some of my readers aren’t Christian but I firmly believe that this type of love can only come as a result of knowing Christ’s love. Otherwise, love is just all these things that I believe it isn’t- choosing to do the right thing, attraction, lust, fleeting feelings. It’s a beautiful thing when two people with the same understanding of love fall in love with one another. I don’t think there is anything as powerful as love.

I liked what one of my friends said: “If you love someone and are romantically involved then you are in love with them. I don’t understand how it’s more complicated than that.” He’s right. But how do those romantic feelings evolve? Over time. Do they always evolve? I don’t think so. I do think there has to be some level of attraction but I’m not going to say a huge, strong one. Mainly because I have dated guys who I thought were cute but as I grew in my love for them and I got to see who they were, they became more attractive to me. So how do these “in love” feelings evolve? Nothing is a substitute for time. We are living in such an instant gratification society right now that everyone thinks they need to know to know if the guy or girl they just met is their soulmate. What?! It’s crazy, yet we do it. But that being in love feeling- if that’s even what you want to call it- stays or grows as you strengthen and deepen your relationship with someone. When people fall out of love, that’s when they get to know more about that person and don’t like what they see. The “in love” happens when they do like what they see. That’s why you just can’t rush this, you can’t. Well you can but you might end up stuck in a relationship you never really wanted or you get a divorce. Both sound awful. The problem is that most of us don’t take the time to actually analyze our feelings. There is no such thing as “I just wasn’t feeling it.” Think about it some more. There is something you don’t like. Either about that person or about how that person makes you feel about yourself. Whatever it is, listen to it. In time, things either get better or worse. Pay attention.

I had some friends talk about how being in love is when you can’t live without them. Not that you can’t, but you feel like you can’t. That’s what happens when you do really love someone. If you can live without me so well- why don’t you? That’s my thinking. Maybe a little cynical. Others say you are incomplete or something is missing. I wouldn’t say incomplete but it’s okay to fill like something is missing isn’t it? One of my friends explained how she is better because of her husband, he inspires her to be better and how she is in love with him and everything about him. I think that’s important.

I don’t think being in love is just a phase of feelings. I don’t think it fades with time. I think, if anything, it grows with time. I hope to consistently fall more and more in love with my husband as we grow together and spend our lives together. When trust, love, loyalty, and kindness all continue to grow and increase- how can I not? The more we open up with each other, are vulnerable, love each other with flaws and all, feel safe, free to be ourselves, respect and feel inspired, and feel loved, liked genuinely loved I don’t see how I would not be in love with someone like that. Especially when I know and recognize how rare it is. That’s how I feel at least. With all my guys, I have either fallen more in love with them or less as I got to know them. Yes, I could have chosen to still love them regardless of my feelings of not wanting to, but why? I can still love them. Doesn’t mean I should marry them and spend the rest of my life with them. No, I hope to do that with someone who I continuously fall more in love with. Is that asking too much? I would hope that they’d fall more in love with me too.

I think many people get married to people that they love, not people that they are in love with. And I guess that’s okay. Two people can make it work. It’s all about priorities and preferences I suppose. But I couldn’t do it. Maybe that’s why I’m not married. I need something more if I’m going to commit to someone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if that’s wrong or not. But I can continue to love many people and remain single, it’s not that bad. To me, it would be worse to be married to someone I’m not really in love with. So I will wait. I had someone say once, “If love in love hurts so much when it ends and if it feels like you’re dying when you’re not with the person you love, then that sounds like a horrible feeling to me.” And he is right. It is awful but I think that’s what also makes it so beautiful. I don’t want to marry someone I just love because honestly what’s the point? I can love them and stay being friends. I want something more. I don’t think I know what being in love feels like honestly but until then, I will wait. Keep loving. And pray that when it happens, I will know. Because I think I already know what it’s not and I have no desire to settle for that.

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Why the virgin heartbreaker?

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I honestly didn’t think it would be as tough as it is. When I first thought of the name the virgin heartbreaker several years ago, I thought it was the best idea ever. I thought it was catchy, I thought it would get people to think about what it meant- I thought it would stand out. And stand out is what I want to do. I’m not going to lie, it is a bit awkward to say sometimes especially to people who know me but not that well. Surprise, they are going to know a lot more about me than maybe they wanted to now. I don’t think some people know how to respond when I tell them; mainly because it’s somewhat taboo to talk about sex in certain settings. Other settings love to talk about it, but not in an abstinence way at all. I can’t tell you how many times I have been somewhere where sex has been talked about so openly, vulgarly, and casually. I look for opportunities to share why I have chosen to wait until marriage to have sex but sometimes I refrain if the setting isn’t as appropriate. But then someone asks or makes a comment, completely oblivious, and I have to tell them and then the whole group gets quiet. Why does no one know what to say? Is it something that is so rare in our generation, for someone my age? I get the standard response “oh wow, that’s awesome that you are doing that,” but it doesn’t seem sincere, from most at least. No one wants to talk about it.

For a majority of the people, they don’t get it nor want to get it. If they stop and think about it, they might feel convicted or guilty- maybe they’ll realize they should stop having sex so casually. Did God have something better in mind when he created sex? There’s always at least one in a setting I am in that thinks about it- that didn’t realize people still lived like that. And those are the moments I love. Our culture has done its best to desensitize us to thinking that one of the most sacred and highest forms of love can be dwindled down into a one-night stand. Not only that but lead you to believe there is nothing wrong with it and that it doesn’t come with any consequences. It truly breaks my heart because once you give your virginity away to someone, you never get it back. And for me, I hope to one day give that sacred gift away to my husband.

I didn’t have sex when I was younger because my mom told me not to. She told me that God wanted me to save that for marriage and that it’s supposed to be only something shared between a husband and wife. I trusted my mom so much that that was enough for me at that age. I knew she loved me and wanted what was best for me- so if I was really missing out on something great she wouldn’t keep that from me. That was enough for me at that time. Trust and innocence is such a beautiful thing. How great is it to feel so loved that you don’t even have to question something. To know that just because you don’t understand something at the time doesn’t mean you have to fight it. Oh how I wish people would trust God that same way sometimes. We always need to have a reason why for everything we are told today. There is no trust. There is no faith. There is no hope. I am thankful that my heart for God is ahead of my brain. God’s love for me is so unfailing that I oftentimes find myself solely relying on Him and trusting Him. And while in my teen years, I didn’t have sex just because He told me not to, I have learned the why. My dad got me this Christian fish ring for my 17th birthday and it has been my purity ring ever since.

purityringFor me, this serves as a constant reminder that Jesus is my first love and that I will fight for my purity so I can one day give that to my husband. It is so easy to try and justify having sex in today’s society and while it may be great for the moment (our instant gratification society), God has something so much better in mind for us all. There were so many times where I have been tempted to go too far with a guy just because of my emotions and feelings in the moment but it’s always later that I look back and am so grateful that I never did because honestly they never deserved that part of me. That part is for my husband and he is worth the wait. What a wonderful gift I hope to give him someday.

But back to the actual name. The name the virgin heartbreaker randomly hit me many years ago when thinking about my many failed attempts toward finding true love. Who would have thought that someone who didn’t have sex could break so many hearts? Breaking hearts is not something I am proud of but it happens when you have two people that care about each other. The virgin in the name is there to make a point. I am a virgin and while that seems to have more negative than positive connotations in today’s society for a girl my age, I will continue to make a stand and encourage others to do the same. I chose to use the word heartbreaker because unfortunately the term virgin is often coupled with someone who nobody wants to have sex with, not that they purposely chose to remain abstinent. I don’t say this arrogantly at all, but I have had to say no to many guys and “break their hearts” when society would have you to believe that no one would like/love you if you don’t have sex with them. This is simply not true. The only people you miss out on are the ones looking for hook-ups rather than commitment and I don’t think anyone truly wants that anyway. So the name is simply what it is in hopes to start discussion and encourage others to know that you don’t have to engage in sex in order to get a guy. In fact, I challenge you not to and to remember that at any time you can give your virginity away, but never again can you get it back. Fight for your purity. It is so worth the wait.

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