I went to get my nails done the other day. Per usual, I was eavesdropping. I’m just curious, not nosy… Most of the time:p Anyway, here is the conversation I overheard between a stylist and a client:
Client: Wow, you look nice today.
Stylist: Aww thanks, I’m glad someone thinks so… I came down the stairs today and my husband was like “I hate it when you wear those long dresses.”
Client: Oh, wow.
Stylist: Yea, he isn’t the best with word choices sometimes… I want to get a boob job so I’ve been looking at pictures. I showed him some before and after pics of other jobs and how great they were. He said, “Yea, yours used to look like that.”
My eyes got bugged like one of my favorite emojis as I mouthed to the lady doing my nails that I would never be with someone like that. But then it hit me. I was with someone like that before. And I thought it was okay. I made excuses because I didn’t know any better. It’s funny how we are so quick to judge from the outside looking in, but when it’s your life on the line, we justify certain actions. Certain words.
I was never good enough for Jake and something was always wrong with the way I did things. “Why do you open your mouth in pictures?” “Can’t you smile normally?” “Your bangs make you look like you’re 12.” I could go on but I won’t. I don’t think I really understood the effects back then because there were compliments to balance it out. But it did affect me. I changed my smile in pictures. I grew my bangs out. I subconsciously tried to become “good enough.” I wanted to feel accepted, valued, worthy. I knew I was pretty so I thought I would just need to tweak some things. But it never got better. And we eventually fell apart.
I thought I had healed from it until recently. Derek and I were out shopping and he asked me if I always had bangs. The thoughts in my head within those split seconds went crazy. “He thinks my bangs are ugly.” “He wants me to get rid of them.” “He thinks I’m ugly.” “He’s too good looking for me.” Whoaaa. Calm down, Sarah. All those comments from Jake flooded back. When I paused for a second, Derek told me he loved my bangs and thought I looked great with them. Wow.
I learned a few things:
Be careful who you are around and don’t allow any negativity to take root in your heart.
Be who you are and do what you like. If someone doesn’t like you for it, they didn’t like you anyway. If someone really likes you, it won’t matter.
Don’t make excuses for people. I put up with it because I didn’t know better. Never again. Wait for someone that will appreciate everything about you.
Watch your own words.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
photo credit: blueintegrity-by-susan-von-struensee via photopin (license)