At this point I was pretty much done with tinder. It was dumb. I hate the site. And I never should have went on it. I had stopped swiping, stopped chatting, it just wasn’t real. One of the last people I ended up talking to was Dan. He messaged me about knowing a mutual friend. He had said we met before but I didn’t remember him. We did end up having a few mutual friends in common and that is what we talked about. He wanted to meet for a drink right away. I didn’t really acknowledge that until we talked further. I messaged our mutual friend and asked her about him. She told me about what a great guy he was and how he treated his last girlfriend like a princess. It was then I agreed to meet him:)

I hadn’t seen our mutual friend in a while so I arranged for a double date where Dan and I could meet and hang out with our mutual friend and her husband. We all decided to meet for a late afternoon lunch because our friend had plans earlier that day. Dan and I weren’t busy earlier so he asked me if I wanted to meet up beforehand. We met up at the local downtown art festival that was happening that weekend. He was cute. And he was nice. We walked around and talked while looking at some of the art. His taste in art wasn’t the best. You can learn a lot about someone while shopping. See, shopping has multiple benefits;-). We talked about a lot of deep stuff. This is not unusual for me. Having deep conversations are one of my favorite things to do. It was nice talking to him, especially since we could relate to each other with various things we had been through.

We both were very hungry so we decided to eat downtown at the art festival. Shortly after, we left to meet our friends for food, as well. We didn’t tell them we just ate; we both just laughed as we ordered again. I think this was my first time to ever go on a double date as a first date. I always appreciate new experiences and we had such a great time; though, I was probably most excited about seeing my friend that I hadn’t seen in a while. We all parted ways after lunch and Dan made a point to tell me he had a great time. He didn’t say anything about hanging out again at the time so I went a few hours dealing with insecure thoughts. [Insert tangent here: I try to fight them but it’s hard sometimes. It makes me feel weak and I don’t like being weak. But it’s something I’ve been working on the past few years. People have always mentioned how I have been intimidating but I never understood why. Not fully at least. My close friends know I’m not. It wasn’t until one of my friends mentioned about how I always seem to have it all together and so strong; I don’t, but I’ve always made it a point to not show my struggles. That was a mistake at times. People tend to put me in my own category. I’m not real. It’s easy for Sarah because it’s Sarah. I didn’t realize that was the impression I was giving off. It’s also part of the reason I started my blog. I strive for perfection but sometimes my life is really tough. God gives me so much strength and because I don’t want to sound like a whiner, I never really talked about how tough life can be at times. It’s not exactly easy being a Christian. It’s not easy making the right decisions all the time. And it’s definitely not easy being 29 and a virgin. But it is possible. And it is more than worth it.]

Dan ended up texting me later that night about how I had piqued his interest. As we continued to talk, I think we both had similar views on relationships; we’ve both been hurt and it somewhat makes us cynical or jaded. It’s something I have learned to work through as God heals my heart each time. But it’s worth it and that’s why I keep going back. Trying. Loving. It’s a fine line between guarding your heart, yet loving and being vulnerable. I think I’m still trying to figure out where that line is exactly. But the most important thing to me at the end of the day is how much I loved. And sometimes that means getting hurt and I’d say it’s worth it. Dan’s last relationship was a long one and he had thought they were going to get married. It was obvious he was still dealing with a lot of the pain.

Dan and I ended up meeting again for dinner. This is when we got pretty deep. He was going out of town the following week and wanted me to go with him. What?! Even if I had wanted to, that would not have been a good idea. I learned my lesson from the last time I did that and will more than likely do a blog post about that experience. Dan opened up a lot about his previous relationship and it became apparent he still needed to heal from that. We still wanted to talk but the restaurant was closing so he ended up driving us to the beach nearby. I think he thought it would be romantic. It made me nervous. I always hate these parts of dates and wondering if a guy is going to try to make a move or not. Then I always feel bad not letting them while trying to explain why. Awkward. Fortunately, we continued our deep conversation and HE ended up bringing up what I normally like to talk about, but in a bad way haha. “So my brother is dating this girl and he is about to propose to her and they haven’t even kissed, isn’t that crazy?!” I don’t think he was expecting my response. I think he was hoping I’d agree and it would make him more confident about making a move. I, however, told him how I thought that was an awesome idea and was able to explain more of my views. We ended up talking a lot about God. He, like many, has been burned by people in the church and has stopped going. He isn’t ready to live for God so he won’t go. He doesn’t want to be a hypocrite and in some ways I respect that. I just wish he wouldn’t let others interfere with his relationship with God. Maybe one day.

Things weren’t the same with us after that night. We continued to text but it wasn’t the same. I struggled internally with insecurities. Why doesn’t he like me anymore? Did I say something wrong? Instead of realizing that he wasn’t the guy for me and was only looking for the type of girl I am not, I took it personally. I set out to try and make him like me again. I was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t there. That shouldn’t be there. It was all for my own vanity which I am ashamed to admit. I found myself making excuses for him left and right. It wasn’t until his party that I realized I was done. I met his parents (this always happens to me lol) and got along with them so well. Dan and I had a good time at the party, but didn’t spend too much of it together. It wasn’t until toward the end that I realized he had a girl that came with him. He never told me about this. I was just so naive. She was just a friend visiting from out of town, but it was clear there was something more. He wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. He was looking for temporary girls to fill his void until he left to go explore the world. He honestly needs to figure out who he is. I just wish he wouldn’t use girls in the process. He had told me he respected me before and that he wasn’t the guy I was looking for, I just didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to believe it. I believed in him. I thought I could change him but I realized I couldn’t. Only God can do that.

We didn’t talk after that day. We both knew. People really do come into our lives for certain seasons. Sometimes we need to hold on instead of letting go and other times we need to let go instead of holding on.

I also deleted tinder.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Hamed Saber via photopin cc