Tender Tinder Pt 3: Dan the Man


At this point I was pretty much done with tinder. It was dumb. I hate the site. And I never should have went on it. I had stopped swiping, stopped chatting, it just wasn’t real. One of the last people I ended up talking to was Dan. He messaged me about knowing a mutual friend. He had said we met before but I didn’t remember him. We did end up having a few mutual friends in common and that is what we talked about. He wanted to meet for a drink right away. I didn’t really acknowledge that until we talked further. I messaged our mutual friend and asked her about him. She told me about what a great guy he was and how he treated his last girlfriend like a princess. It was then I agreed to meet him:)

I hadn’t seen our mutual friend in a while so I arranged for a double date where Dan and I could meet and hang out with our mutual friend and her husband. We all decided to meet for a late afternoon lunch because our friend had plans earlier that day. Dan and I weren’t busy earlier so he asked me if I wanted to meet up beforehand. We met up at the local downtown art festival that was happening that weekend. He was cute. And he was nice. We walked around and talked while looking at some of the art. His taste in art wasn’t the best. You can learn a lot about someone while shopping. See, shopping has multiple benefits;-). We talked about a lot of deep stuff. This is not unusual for me. Having deep conversations are one of my favorite things to do. It was nice talking to him, especially since we could relate to each other with various things we had been through.

We both were very hungry so we decided to eat downtown at the art festival. Shortly after, we left to meet our friends for food, as well. We didn’t tell them we just ate; we both just laughed as we ordered again. I think this was my first time to ever go on a double date as a first date. I always appreciate new experiences and we had such a great time; though, I was probably most excited about seeing my friend that I hadn’t seen in a while. We all parted ways after lunch and Dan made a point to tell me he had a great time. He didn’t say anything about hanging out again at the time so I went a few hours dealing with insecure thoughts. [Insert tangent here: I try to fight them but it’s hard sometimes. It makes me feel weak and I don’t like being weak. But it’s something I’ve been working on the past few years. People have always mentioned how I have been intimidating but I never understood why. Not fully at least. My close friends know I’m not. It wasn’t until one of my friends mentioned about how I always seem to have it all together and so strong; I don’t, but I’ve always made it a point to not show my struggles. That was a mistake at times. People tend to put me in my own category. I’m not real. It’s easy for Sarah because it’s Sarah. I didn’t realize that was the impression I was giving off. It’s also part of the reason I started my blog. I strive for perfection but sometimes my life is really tough. God gives me so much strength and because I don’t want to sound like a whiner, I never really talked about how tough life can be at times. It’s not exactly easy being a Christian. It’s not easy making the right decisions all the time. And it’s definitely not easy being 29 and a virgin. But it is possible. And it is more than worth it.]

Dan ended up texting me later that night about how I had piqued his interest. As we continued to talk, I think we both had similar views on relationships; we’ve both been hurt and it somewhat makes us cynical or jaded. It’s something I have learned to work through as God heals my heart each time. But it’s worth it and that’s why I keep going back. Trying. Loving. It’s a fine line between guarding your heart, yet loving and being vulnerable. I think I’m still trying to figure out where that line is exactly. But the most important thing to me at the end of the day is how much I loved. And sometimes that means getting hurt and I’d say it’s worth it. Dan’s last relationship was a long one and he had thought they were going to get married. It was obvious he was still dealing with a lot of the pain.

Dan and I ended up meeting again for dinner. This is when we got pretty deep. He was going out of town the following week and wanted me to go with him. What?! Even if I had wanted to, that would not have been a good idea. I learned my lesson from the last time I did that and will more than likely do a blog post about that experience. Dan opened up a lot about his previous relationship and it became apparent he still needed to heal from that. We still wanted to talk but the restaurant was closing so he ended up driving us to the beach nearby. I think he thought it would be romantic. It made me nervous. I always hate these parts of dates and wondering if a guy is going to try to make a move or not. Then I always feel bad not letting them while trying to explain why. Awkward. Fortunately, we continued our deep conversation and HE ended up bringing up what I normally like to talk about, but in a bad way haha. “So my brother is dating this girl and he is about to propose to her and they haven’t even kissed, isn’t that crazy?!” I don’t think he was expecting my response. I think he was hoping I’d agree and it would make him more confident about making a move. I, however, told him how I thought that was an awesome idea and was able to explain more of my views. We ended up talking a lot about God. He, like many, has been burned by people in the church and has stopped going. He isn’t ready to live for God so he won’t go. He doesn’t want to be a hypocrite and in some ways I respect that. I just wish he wouldn’t let others interfere with his relationship with God. Maybe one day.

Things weren’t the same with us after that night. We continued to text but it wasn’t the same. I struggled internally with insecurities. Why doesn’t he like me anymore? Did I say something wrong? Instead of realizing that he wasn’t the guy for me and was only looking for the type of girl I am not, I took it personally. I set out to try and make him like me again. I was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t there. That shouldn’t be there. It was all for my own vanity which I am ashamed to admit. I found myself making excuses for him left and right. It wasn’t until his party that I realized I was done. I met his parents (this always happens to me lol) and got along with them so well. Dan and I had a good time at the party, but didn’t spend too much of it together. It wasn’t until toward the end that I realized he had a girl that came with him. He never told me about this. I was just so naive. She was just a friend visiting from out of town, but it was clear there was something more. He wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. He was looking for temporary girls to fill his void until he left to go explore the world. He honestly needs to figure out who he is. I just wish he wouldn’t use girls in the process. He had told me he respected me before and that he wasn’t the guy I was looking for, I just didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to believe it. I believed in him. I thought I could change him but I realized I couldn’t. Only God can do that.

We didn’t talk after that day. We both knew. People really do come into our lives for certain seasons. Sometimes we need to hold on instead of letting go and other times we need to let go instead of holding on.

I also deleted tinder.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Hamed Saber via photopin cc


Online dating: is it for you?


The amount of relationships and marriages that begin from online dating seems to be rising. With technology constantly increasing and smart phones that never leave our side, dating has encountered various meanings as social networks and online dating sites continue to engage and connect people everyone. Okay seriously, if I continue to blog I need to be able to turn off my doctoral side of my brain and keep it real with you all. Dating in today’s society is whack and I can’t keep up. I feel like life would have been so much more simple if I had to rely solely on my (in person) relationships and didn’t have the option to hide behind my cyber identity.

Honestly, I don’t think it is my place to tell you whether or not online dating is for you; this isn’t one of those things that is explicitly stated in the Bible. All I can share with you are my thoughts and feelings. Really it is between you and God to decipher what is best for you, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your future spouse.

As for me, I have always had a bad feeling about online dating for whatever reason. So many people have tried to get me to try it but for some reason I couldn’t do it. It was something about taking control over my dating life and not fully trusting God that always led me away. I tend to also be naive and feel I could fall for anyone if I was convinced they were the one so I don’t really trust myself on sites like those. I am sad to admit that it also made me feel a little desperate if I ended up making a profile. Like what is wrong with me that I can’t find a guy normally? What is even the normal way? I don’t know. I don’t frequent bars or clubs so that can’t be normal either. I always thought the best type of relationship came from when you weren’t looking for one, which is why I personally struggle with the idea of online dating. I just want to be doing what I love and have someone else do the same thing and poof, the rest is history. My friend convinced me to try tinder as more of a joke awhile back and I must admit that it was rather entertaining. I wouldn’t call it a dating app. It could be used to meet friends, it could be used to hook up with others. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. It was definitely a good ego boost. It felt so good to get a match; I had so many matches- either I was all that or I just didn’t have any standards lol. It was interesting to see the type of people on there. It was funny to see my friends on there too and make jokes about it. My friend recently went back on and is getting his self worth from his “162 matches” and “three dates a week.” I know he is secretly hurting over this. Why? Because it’s not real. I will be doing a ‘Tender Tinder’ 3 part series to talk about the three guys I ended up talking to over the instant gratification app. I learned a lot. And learned that it wasn’t for me. It’s hard waiting sometimes but it’s even harder ending up with the wrong person. Here are some things I’ve learned that will hopefully help you make the best decision for yourself!:)

Pros of online dating:

  1. Perfect for people with a busy schedule. This would be one of the reasons I would join. I don’t have much free time and if I did, the last thing I want to do is go looking for a potential spouse. When there are no possibilities in your current environments, online dating may be prove to be a useful tool.
  2. More options. You open yourself up to a lot more options when you enter the world of online dating. Could even prove to be a great networking tool;-) But keep in mind this also somewhat trains us to be noncommittal. I don’t think the dating sites should be to blame necessarily but rather society’s lack of commit and desire for instant gratification. We are trained through these site that if things start to get tough, you have plenty of other options. Perseverance, fighting for, and working through things seem to be a lost art.
  3. More control. You are able to have more control over your dating life and what you want. It’s up to you to pick the person of your dreams from an array of good looking, successful people. Just be careful you save room for God to show you his best:)
  4. Weeding powers. Unlike traditional dates where it make take awhile to get to know whether or not you like someone, you can knock out potential suitors left and right through a series of straight-to-the-point, deep questions. Who really wants to waste time anyway? If done appropriately, online dating could foster conversation that allows you to get to know the other person more because there’s just something about sitting behind a computer screen that gives us a little more confidence.
  5. Great ego booster. This is probably my favorite because vanity seems to be one of my weaknesses. If you are feeling rejected and alone, having a bunch of people that want to talk to you can make anyone feel good. Just remember it isn’t real; it’s the people that stick around through all the messy and ugly stuff that really love and care about you.

Cons of online dating:

  1. Dangerous. In a recent Tinder experiment, it was noted that one of the main fear women have with online dating is that the men they meet might end up being psycho killers. I know this may seem silly but spend a day reading news articles or watching “I dated a psycho” on Lifetime. Don’t be naive. Don’t be dumb. Some people are legit crazy.
  2. Creeps. While women fear psycho killers, the same study revealed that men fear that the women they meet might end up being fat. Okay really? I understand wanting to be attracted to your girlfriend but come on- can we be a little less shallow? Some people, probably most, aren’t looking for Christ-following, let’s get married partners. Be wise enough to spot those who aren’t and move on.
  3. Liars. You can be anyone you want via the internet. So many of my friends have gotten burned this way. There is something to say about body language and eye contact. It is so easy to stretch the truth, especially when our insecurities get the best of us. If you tend to be too trusting, much like myself, online dating may not be for you.
  4. More control. Yes, this was listed in the pros, as well. Just want to reiterate that when we tend to take control of this in our life, it leaves less room for God to move. Don’t be like Sarah and Abraham from the Bible and put too much into your own hands. Be patient. God is faithful and He is always on time.
  5. Focus on the wrong things. There is a lot of temptation toward an emotion led relationship when on the dating sites. As mentioned previously, it feels good to be chased and to feel valued. Sometimes it is hard to know the difference between what is real and what isn’t and this can be very scary. Subtle deception can occur before you know it and may lead you in too deep to get out on your own.


  1. Know what you are looking for and what you are willing to compromise on
  2. Don’t compromise or make excuses for the things that are important to you
  3. Always meet in a public setting
  4. Listen to your gut and don’t continue something just because they are cute or you don’t want to hurt their feelings
  5. Be intentional, upfront, and honest
  6. Look for signs and don’t be dumb; it’s okay to take your time. If they are real, they will wait

Remember online dating is just another tool. Watch out for those looking for quick, emotional affairs rather than intentional, committed relationships.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Helga Weber via photopin cc