Is singleness really a gift?

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I used to view singleness as a season, rather than a gift. When you view it as a season, you see it as a period of time to get through, perhaps enjoy, but a season that will definitely end nonetheless. We focus on the duration of the season, leading us to never realize what the gift of singleness actually means, what it really offers.

We get caught up on the superficial benefits of singleness that we unintentionally miss the spiritual growth awaiting us. We interchange singleness and independence quite often. For me, it’s been a time to focus on education, career, and being free and flexible to go wherever God calls, with little concern for another human being. But when married, you have to now consider your spouse, and once you have kids, them as well. Is this perhaps what Paul was referring to when he stated it is better to remain single in 1 Corinthians 7?

Can I say yes and no- what about maybe partially? It’s been hard for me to reconcile that would be all he meant- that you can’t do what you want fully because you have others to think about now. Because I’d argue with the right spouse, it would perhaps be easier to pursue your calling than it would if you were single. I have to believe it has more to do with our spiritual state and our relationship with God and less to do with our calling and what we are to accomplish here on Earth. I think he was referencing a level higher than we are accustomed to viewing.

As we focus on God, not just because we are supposed to but because we want to, things begin to change. This process has evolved for me. It’s like when you build a relationship with anyone; you enjoy getting to know that person and spending time with them- the more you learn, the more you know, the more in love you fall. I think I’ve just recently begun a process of experiencing God in a new light.

Not that my relationship with God in the past was bad, it just wasn’t as deep.

And when it’s not as deep, I think it’s easier for world to compete- for us to slide in and out of the world, for our priorities to become tangled, for our vision to become blurred. These were the times I struggled most with my singleness- the more my early 20’s grew into my late 20’s. The times I just knew marriage was in my cards because why would God keep anything good from me if He loved me? Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, right?

My relationship with God very real at this time but perhaps more immature than I’d like to admit.

It’s hard to know what you don’t know at this time, but I’ve always pressed forward knowing God has a plan and that He loves me. I’ve never doubted that. And I think that’s what’s helped me to remain faithful.

Choosing to live more by what I know to be true and less by what I understand at the time.

But I’m just now realizing what a gift singleness has been for me personally. I’m at a different point in my life right now- a new point- where things are just different. My desires have shifted drastically- marriage and family desires perhaps still there in the background but an overwhelming desire to experience God deeper- trumping everything else in my life.

I crave it.
Crave Him.
Talking to Him.
Seeing what He does throughout the day.
Watching what He does through me.
What He allows me to do.
How He allows me to experience Him.

My love for Him has been what’s fueled my desire to “do” for Him, that I’ve only recently began grasp how much more He desires simply to “be” with ME!

He yearns for me. Longs for me. Where I’ve known He loves me, this is so much more. It fills me in ways I can’t begin to describe. There are no words. I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to experience the spiritual growth I have been lately without this time. How would I know I love Him more than everything I thought I always wanted if He had already given it all to me? He’s changed my desires and longings away from the things the world offers and more for eternal things- more for Him.

It’s not that singleness is a gift for us to be selfish and do what we want; it’s that singleness is uninterrupted time in our lives to spend with our Savior. To spend time with Him. Grow in Him. And fall more in love with Him. And for me, I don’t really know what could be a better gift than that.

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I wish for you a different type of heartbreak this Christmas

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Most of my heartbreak, most of my blog seems to center on romantic heartbreaks. Feelings of rejection, loneliness, a loss in expectations… I hate these heartbreaks the most- not because they are so sad, not because of the pain, but because they are so focused on myself. Isn’t life so much more than myself? So much bigger?

It’s when we pull the mirror down, it’s when we look around the world and see others that we become alive. See things as they were meant to be. See people for who they are instead of through the lens of what they may offer us. Maybe we need to take off the glasses that make us see others as our source of pleasure and put on the glasses that cause us to see into the soul of others… all the pain, hurt, insecurities, and doubt.

I was out doing some last minute Christmas shopping the other night. Some call me a procrastinator; I prefer the term prioritizer;) And I ran into an old friend…

“Hey, how’s it going? Merry Christmas, etc. etc. etc…”

I forget most of our conversation. I was too distracted. He had a tattered piece of paper, with scribbles written on it. It was a grocery list in his hand. A list of items, prices all marked out. Things are certainly tight in our family for various reasons and we are very intentional with our spending but I couldn’t get this guy and his list off my mind for the rest of the evening.

Milk… $3.59
Bread… $1.29
Eggs… $2.19

A hard working guy, just trying to provide for his family. Living paycheck to paycheck. Doing the best he can with what he has. I think sometimes we forget others, I think we don’t care to see their struggles. It’s just easier to look away. Because then we can convince ourselves we don’t have to feel guilty. It’s like we push any goodness we have aside.

But my heart broke that night. And I can’t explain it. I wish I could. But sometimes I just feel I see right through people. Sometimes I feel I see their most vulnerable parts. It is the most painful, yet realest feeling I’ve ever felt.

Maybe that should be how we pray. Maybe we should pray to see things, to see people, the way God does. But if we do, we can’t be afraid of having our hearts broken.

Because I can promise you this, it will indeed break. But it will be in the most incredible way ever. Though there will be pain, you will feel alive.

So I hope your heart breaks. Not for yourself, but for someone else. Because that will be when you truly find yourself.

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You made her crazy

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I was listening to the second date update on the radio this past week. Stories about people that have gone on one date with someone, never hear from the other person again, and want to know what happened. So on this one, a girl went on a first date with this guy, she said it went great and he even kissed her at the end of the night. Then bam! Ghosted. The radio calls him to find out what happened. He says he wasn’t really feeling it, the date was not that great, and that she went psycho and liked all his old pics on Facebook.

So here’s my question for the guy- why in the world did you kiss her if you weren’t feeling it?!

People tend to associate physical aspects to a genuine like or love of another person. So what is really happening here is a sending of mixed signals. You are feeling one way but acting in a different manner. Heads up- this will cause anyone to act crazy because they are trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense. This is a lose-lose situation with no answer that can make logical sense. Her attempts of “not leaving you alone” are actually just her attempts to get some type of closure.

This leads down the whole “you lead her on” debate. Did you really lead her on or were you just trying to get to know her? Oftentimes both parties can feel guilty for breaking up with someone because they are now hurting the other person. This is unfortunately the risk we take sometimes when we choose to date. But are there ways to make this less painful, less crazy? Yes! You choose to really get to know her, not use her. If you really care about not hurting her and really care about putting her first, choose to put your physical desires to the side and get to know her. Her dreams, hopes, goals, likes, dislikes, and just simply enjoy each other. You’ll know much sooner whether or not you see a future with her if you leave the physical aspects to the side.

If you want to avoid any “crazy” behavior from girls, be sure to know yourself before inviting someone in. Not only knowing yourself, but being comfortable with yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. It’s hard for a girl to know if she likes you if you don’t even know yourself. I’ve had guys act like prince charming in the beginning, rolling out the red carpet, only for that behavior to change drastically. Once he hooks you, the true colors come out. Gaslighting is a popular tactic. Its goal is to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. You start to treat them poorly. You become secretive or evasive and then make them feel dumb when they start to question you for clarity. This creates chaos in their mind as they try to piece together the fragments. Wondering if the guy they fell in love with ever really existed.

It finally comes to a head when she tries to come to terms with reality. The fact that you didn’t really love her. She wants to believe you did, that you do, but she knows the truth deep down. There were both good and bad times. And she’s just trying to make sense of it all. So the confusion turns to chaos and the chaos turns to crazy. We all crave love so badly. So she either remains crazy, believing all the lies and hurt was really love. Or she accepts the fact that you never really loved her. Both are sad options in her mind. But one eventually allows her to move on. One gives her hope. One gives her the ability to leave all the craziness behind.

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Love when I was young, wild, and free

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I sometimes wish I were my younger self. Wishing I could love with that same pure and innocent love, from a heart that has never felt pain, never been hurt. Wishing I had made different decisions. Wondering if I made the right choices. The truth is, sometimes I didn’t. I have regrets, made decisions I’m not proud of. And while I wish I could go back and make those decisions over again, I’m learning and seeing how God takes our mistakes, covers them in grace, and makes a way for a beautiful story.

I look back at my life and see how my love has evolved through the years. I look at how I used to be. I remember how innocent, how pure my heart was. I didn’t know pain, I didn’t know hurt. I was so free to love. So giving. Assuming guys would love with the same love I felt. Holding expectations that they had the same morals and values that I did. It never crossed my mind that they could lie, that they could cheat. No thoughts that I was never good enough for them. But the way my love was received told a different story. My love was often not reciprocated. I was met with cruelness, selfishness, and hate. Each experience tweaking my own behavior, my own concept of love.

I watched how these experiences changed me. I wasn’t so quick to love anymore. I began building an unbreakable wall around my heart, afraid to let someone hurt it even more. I became guarded. This allowed me to avoid hurt, but it also allowed me to not give away my love so easily. I’ve protected that love, kept it buried deep inside my heart. And now, now that I’ve met someone worthy, someone deserving of that free and beautiful love, all I have to offer is a scarred, broken, and guarded heart. And I just wish I could love with that same love I had when I was younger. But his patience slowly chisels at the protective wall I’ve built. His love ignites the love I once possessed.

I watch as our love story continues to unravel. Realizing I’ve never loved like this before. Not even close. A deeper love now. A love I didn’t think was possible, a love I didn’t know existed. And I think one of the most beautiful things I’m seeing is how our love relates to God’s love. How God loved us in spite of our brokenness. How God loved us even when we couldn’t love Him back. And how God’s love ignites passions inside of us to love Him and love others with that same love. I’m learning that perfect love isn’t love that’s never been hurt or never been broken. Perfect love is one that sees all of our brokenness and loves us even more.

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The familiarity of your flaws

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I wanted to go back to you. Even though I knew you weren’t good for me, I had convinced myself that something was better than nothing. That dysfunctional love, which in reality was hate, was somehow better than being alone.

Another break-up and I’m left comparing. Left alone. Left to wonder.

Your flaws, I started to excuse them. Was I asking too much? Was I being too picky? Maybe you weren’t that controlling, I did enjoy flirting. Maybe your anger was justified, because I did mess up at times. Maybe you weren’t that negative, you were under a lot of pressure at work. Maybe you really did love me, even though I knew you didn’t.

A lot of maybes in a world of uncertainty. A lot of excuses because I craved any hint of love.

For some reason I’ve always remembered the good times, the bad times seem to have been erased from my memory. My journal reminds me of the pain when my mind seeks to deceive me. It’s not in an effort to hold onto bitterness but rather to live in reality.

But ‘what ifs’ come flooding in. What if we were at a different place in life? What if our parents hadn’t been so involved? What if we hadn’t rushed everything? What ifs can send us down an alternate reality that steals the blessings God has placed right in front of us. What ifs symbolize things that didn’t happen. Things we perhaps wish would have. Things we think would have made everything better.

But these didn’t happen moments are what brought us to where we are today. Thankfully, my desire to go back to you was met with my desire to believe I deserved something more. My desire to trust God more than myself. To trust He had something better than my limited view could see.

The familiarity of your flaws led me to believe I was somehow safe. But the truth is, I never felt safe with you. What is safe about the predictability of unpredictability? And while it’s sometimes scary in a world of unknown flaws, I am left with one thing I never had with you- hope.

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The time you gave up on us

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“I’m done.” I’m pretty sure I’ll never forget these two little words. It’s amazing how six letters can cut so deep. I don’t think I’ve ever said these words to someone before and I don’t think I ever could. There’s just something so finite about it- not to mention the pain they cause.

I remember you telling me the one thing your ex said to you you’ve always remembered. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” The time you needed her most, she was giving up. And it hurt you so. Years later. To this day you still remember it so vividly. Yet, here you are- in the same situation. But it’s me you are hurting this time. Does it feel better being on that end? With tears streaming down my face as I write this, I can still say confidently that I don’t think it’s better on that end. Because at the end of the day, I get to say I tried. I get to say I never gave up. I was willing to try. I was willing to fight but I don’t have to carry this burden anymore.

“I’m done.” Two such painful words that give me the power and strength to move on. To know I’m not missing out or losing anything. Because you see, the guy for me won’t ever give up. He will fight. Not for me but for us. He will pursue. He will hold on in the worst of times. Because that’s me and that’s what I would do. That’s what I’ve always done.

I think one of the most beautiful things about marriage and relationships is how they are just a small glimpse of how God loves us and chases us and never gives up on us. Our relationship could never be that.

I realize now you never really saw me. You just saw what I could do for you. Because you don’t treat people you love this way. You just can’t. You wondered why it was so hard for me to open up to you and trust. Do you understand why now? You may have heard me but you never listened. It was always my fault. I was never good enough. You always thanked me for being such a great encourager and supporter yet I could never say the same about you. Shoot, a few hours before saying you were done you thanked me. Do guys really expect women to follow and trust them when you treat them this way? You did. Ladies will only follow a guy if the guy has their best interest at heart. That’s biblical. Why do we forget it’s a two way street?

But I trusted you from the get go. And you also broke that trust from the get go. I never gave up though. Maybe it was my fault for thinking we could work through it. Maybe I was naïve in thinking I could learn to trust you again. It’s a process but that doesn’t stop us from growing impatient. My gut knew there was something wrong. Why does it take so long for my actions to catch up with my gut? This is definitely not what I want. I was still willing to try. But here you go, breaking the trust yet again. I don’t understand how people think it’s okay to treat others this way. We are set way too far back now so maybe it’s a good thing you’re done. Even though I know you aren’t really. But we are done. And that’s on you, not me.

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He makes me smile. A lot.

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People like to make fun of me for only liking guys who are a million miles away. What? It’s good for my busy schedule. However, this new nervous guy, Derek, lives close which means I’ve been seeing him a lot. You can read my last post to see how he makes me feel but I wanted to give you all more specifics on how things have been. We’ve gone out a total of 14 times now and each time seems to fly by so fast. I love being around him and want to be with him as much as possible. I know, I know- gag me. He’s so fascinating and each meeting makes me want to get to know him more. The way he talks is different. The way he treats me is different. I promised to give some 411 on some of our dates so here we go.

We’ve done a lot in our short amount of time together. Food. Games. Families. Church. Movies. Shopping. I don’t know about you all, but have you ever had that feeling when you are around someone all day and it seems like it was just 30 minutes or so? Yea, I seem to get that all the time with Derek. I keep thinking if I spend more time with him that problem would be solved but it seems to have the opposite effect. Every outing, every encounter always leaves me wanting more. What I like most about the activities we do is the fact that it’s stuff that allows us to see if we can actually have fun together. If we actually like each other. It’s not about our physical attraction toward one another. He has been so respectful and has the same views as me so it’s been great just being able to enjoy him.

One of the first times we hung out was when we went to his friend’s house who lives on the water. The parking situation was a little confusing and in an attempt to help me be able to park better, Derek rolled straight into a ditch. Haha. Yeaaa, that was a fun night. Another time we met to play putt putt after I got off work and he forgot his wallet in his truck. We went back to get it and then played. I won of course;) Well, when we were leaving, we realized he locked his keys in his truck when we went back for the wallet. Boy did we have a fun time trying to get them out but we did! We make a pretty good team.

He is so genuinely kind. It’s hard for me to even put into words. He is competitive but it doesn’t bother him at all if he loses. He always pays. Always wants to do whatever he thinks I’ll like best. Always wants to be with me. Always compliments me on something deeper. And is always himself. His honesty and openness make me like him more. He is secure in himself and passionate. He is so patient with me and he always desires to learn and grow more. Obviously I can go on and on about the things I love about him. One of my favorite things still is the way he values me. I never really understood the impact feeling valued could have on someone until meeting Derek. I’ve always felt I had to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way to maintain a relationship. But Derek makes me feel like he cares about me. Like the real me. My soul. I’m comfortable being myself around him. And that means a whole lot.

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