He makes me smile. A lot.

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People like to make fun of me for only liking guys who are a million miles away. What? It’s good for my busy schedule. However, this new nervous guy, Derek, lives close which means I’ve been seeing him a lot. You can read my last post to see how he makes me feel but I wanted to give you all more specifics on how things have been. We’ve gone out a total of 14 times now and each time seems to fly by so fast. I love being around him and want to be with him as much as possible. I know, I know- gag me. He’s so fascinating and each meeting makes me want to get to know him more. The way he talks is different. The way he treats me is different. I promised to give some 411 on some of our dates so here we go.

We’ve done a lot in our short amount of time together. Food. Games. Families. Church. Movies. Shopping. I don’t know about you all, but have you ever had that feeling when you are around someone all day and it seems like it was just 30 minutes or so? Yea, I seem to get that all the time with Derek. I keep thinking if I spend more time with him that problem would be solved but it seems to have the opposite effect. Every outing, every encounter always leaves me wanting more. What I like most about the activities we do is the fact that it’s stuff that allows us to see if we can actually have fun together. If we actually like each other. It’s not about our physical attraction toward one another. He has been so respectful and has the same views as me so it’s been great just being able to enjoy him.

One of the first times we hung out was when we went to his friend’s house who lives on the water. The parking situation was a little confusing and in an attempt to help me be able to park better, Derek rolled straight into a ditch. Haha. Yeaaa, that was a fun night. Another time we met to play putt putt after I got off work and he forgot his wallet in his truck. We went back to get it and then played. I won of course;) Well, when we were leaving, we realized he locked his keys in his truck when we went back for the wallet. Boy did we have a fun time trying to get them out but we did! We make a pretty good team.

He is so genuinely kind. It’s hard for me to even put into words. He is competitive but it doesn’t bother him at all if he loses. He always pays. Always wants to do whatever he thinks I’ll like best. Always wants to be with me. Always compliments me on something deeper. And is always himself. His honesty and openness make me like him more. He is secure in himself and passionate. He is so patient with me and he always desires to learn and grow more. Obviously I can go on and on about the things I love about him. One of my favorite things still is the way he values me. I never really understood the impact feeling valued could have on someone until meeting Derek. I’ve always felt I had to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way to maintain a relationship. But Derek makes me feel like he cares about me. Like the real me. My soul. I’m comfortable being myself around him. And that means a whole lot.

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I could be the perfect girl and still not be good enough because I’m not her

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While I want to be mad at you, I’m really mad at myself right now. One, for letting this go on longer than it should have. But more so, for letting my pride and vanity get in the way of something much more important. You see, I should have known early on when you would mention your ex way too much. But I’m sort of naïve when it comes to this I suppose. I mean why would you be talking to me if you were in love with someone else? But you did. And you continued to. As I look back it was never about seeing if I actually liked you but seeing if I could get you to fall for me because I didn’t want to accept the fact that someone could be better than me. How noble was I?

Maybe I deserved the way you treated me then because can I honestly say I was any better? But the way you made me feel- it’s like an abused victim who keeps going back for more beatings. I had hoped you’d change. That one day I would be pretty enough. One day I would be smart enough. One day, maybe you would think I was good enough. It took awhile but I realized that day was never going to happen. I read a quote on Instagram from @thegoodquote and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

“At your absolute best, you still won’t be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right person.”

And it was at that point I realized I was done trying. I’ve never had someone make me feel so bad about myself in my entire life, yet you do it under the guise of “I really do like you, Sarah.” What?! I’m not sure if I should feel bad about being treated so horribly or bad for you since you think there’s nothing wrong.

So what exactly makes them the wrong person? Why can’t they be the right one? Why is it then that some of these guys can’t seem to get over that one girl? I’ve still struggled with this. And so has my vanity and pride. Why am I not good enough? What makes her better than me? But you see, many of these stories involve “the one that got away” aka the one that rejected him. The one where he thinks he could have had something great but he messed it up and now is left wondering. And therein lies the root of the problem if we really face it dead on.

The truth is I know how the guys in my life treated their exes and I don’t think it was ever true love. They miss how that girl made them feel and their own pride and vanity was hurt when she left for whatever reason. He was in love with the idea of her and what she represented. Remembering the good, forgetting the bad. I hate to say this but I’d be hard pressed to find a girl that would leave a guy who was truly in love with her. I’m not talking about lust here. Not talking about like or obsession either. True love, in love. A girl knows when she is truly loved and it’s rare to find a girl who would leave that.

I heard a quote once that I enjoyed- “men are like taxi drivers- when they are available, the light goes on.” There is so much truth in that statement. It has nothing to do with you because they don’t even see you yet. You could be the perfect girl but if the guy isn’t (emotionally) available he won’t see it. And he isn’t available because he’s distracted and dependent on that feeling again. He’s obsessed with it. But we won’t call it love. Because if he was really still in love with her he wouldn’t be talking to me. And he wouldn’t be talking to you. No, what he is missing is the love and attention that he was used to and until he gets over himself he’ll never be able to get over “her.” And be careful because you may be next. Remember when he comes crawling back or attempts to chase you this time, it won’t be about you either. It’ll be about him and the way you made him feel and the cycle continues yet again.

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I want a guy who is willing to fight for me but will never have to

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I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Trying to work through my feelings and I think I finally have. I’ve always wanted a guy who was willing to fight for me and up until recently I wanted a guy who WOULD actually fight for me… until I started to think about what the implications of that would mean and questioning my own views on fighting for someone.

I’ve been real conflicted about this because I want a guy to fight for me but at the same time, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who didn’t want to be with me. So why would I fight for him? Is that fair for me to expect a guy to fight for me if I’m not willing to do the same? Does that make sense? I’ve never said it out loud but I’ve thought numerous times as I’ve seen my relationships with guys fall a part. Why won’t you fight for me? If you really wanted me, thought I was valuable, you’d fight. But you never did. And as I look back now, I’m glad those guys never fought for me because that would not have solved our issues of why we were ending things in the first place. Of course we want to feel loved and it would have felt great for the time being but it wouldn’t have lasted. Maybe I’m wrong but if one person is already pulling away doesn’t that mean there is something about the relationship they don’t like? I know there has to be exceptions to this as I have seen men pursue and fight for women and are now in loving relationships. I don’t think I’ve seen any relationships where the woman fought for the man. Well actually I have- but if I’m honest they tend to be jealous of other women and don’t have the highest respect for their husband. Can you really feel loved knowing that at some point your husband didn’t want you? I don’t know.

I do think there is a difference between men and women’s roles. All throughout the Bible we see references of men pursuing women. Shoot, Jacob worked 14 years for Rachel! Talk about perseverance. And the women made themselves available. Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Men are the leaders throughout the Bible and I don’t think it would change for the sake of pursuing a woman. I believe that is still the man’s role. I think it’s a lot more important for women to feel loved (pursued, fought for) because it’s the one commandment Christ calls the husbands to do- love your wives. And wives submit to your husbands. When a woman feels loved, it’s so easy to submit. But when she doesn’t, it’s one of the hardest things in the world. Men desire respect. Women desire love.

Would I love for my guy to fight for me? Absolutely. But what I want more is for him to never question my love for him. To never feel that I’m not all in. To never feel that I’ve given up. So yes, I want a guy who is willing to fight for me, but I hope he never has to.

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My biggest influences on my no-sex-before-marriage stance: teen years

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I’ve been asked numerous times about my beliefs. Everyone that knows me knows the three things I get most passionate about are God, relationships, and politics. I can seriously talk for hours on any of those. Whether you are curious or simply looking for possible resources to use, I decided to do a mini series on what has influenced me the most in regards to remaining abstinent until marriage. I would like to preface this with the fact that everything I will talk about will all be supplemental as my one and only reason needed stems from love and respect for God and His rules. I know that everything He says is only for my benefit and I trust Him. As I’ve grown through the years, everything I’ve come across in regards to saving sex for marriage just confirmed my decision and showed me why God desires for us to share that level of intimacy with the one we choose to spend the rest of our lives with.

A book. A speaker. A movie.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

This was an extremely popular book at the time. I also had the biggest crush on the author, Joshua Harris. I honestly don’t remember too much about the book but it primarily focused on giving up on the traditional way of dating and trying a new method. He talked a lot about what happens in the current dating culture of what I like to refer to as mutually using relationships. It’s very me-centered rather than other-centered and that’s why Josh proposes a different idea.

I must confess, I did not read the entire book. He talked a lot about the idea of courtship which I’m not really sure where I stand on it yet. I think it depends on one’s age honestly and I don’t really think there is a one size fits all method. What I appreciated most about this book was the encouragement I received that there are others out there who do live their lives against the grain- right up my alley;-)

Pam Stenzel

Oh my gosh. I absolutely loved listening to this lady. She was a firecracker. Pam is an abstinence spokeswoman and I just had to look her up because it’s probably been 10 years since I’ve listened to her! She talked a lot about the consequences of sex that I don’t think younger girls hear sometimes. She talked about both the physical and emotional effects which I wish were talked about more. Why isn’t it talked about more?! I either hear people talk about it like it’s no big deal or people just won’t talk about it. Relationships are one of the most important things in life and I think we can all agree sex is a part of that. Why is it so taboo? Blah. End rant. Anyway, one of my favorite things Pam said and something that has always stuck with me whenever I’ve been weak or tempted was something to encourage women. It was in response to a sexually active girl making fun of a virgin (because we all know it happens) and the response was simply “Any day I can choose to be just like you but you can never again be like me.” Wow. And I don’t say this to be arrogant or pretend like my purity is some type of badge that makes me better than anyone else. But what I do wish is that people did value it more. Treasured it. Held on to it. Because honestly I just feel people don’t and it breaks my heart. It is so valuable. And so special. And people are doing everything they can to make you think otherwise.

Pamela’s Prayer

This movie had such an impact on my life. I think it’s what keeps me going sometimes with my own vision and ideas. To know that someone’s idea or vision changed the whole course of my life. Maybe, just maybe, I can make that kind of impact on someone else’s life. This movie followed the life of a young girl. But once again, only one thing stood out to me from this move: she wanted to have her first kiss on her wedding day. I thought this was the coolest idea and decided to make the same commitment right then and there.

I do have a funny story about this. I did acting in high school and when I was 16 I got the lead at our local theater and was Snow White. Side note, I still wish I could be a famous actress. Anyway, I’m sure all of us know what happens toward the end of the story- Snow White gets a kiss from the prince while she is “dead” and then she magically comes alive and they live happily ever after. All throughout rehearsals the prince would kiss me on the cheek. Well, at our final dress rehearsal I was lying down dead, covered head to toe under the sheet, when the director tells the prince to go ahead and give me a real kiss this time. Sometimes I do things without thinking all the way through and this was one of those times. I immediately shot up and said “No no noooo!” Everyone started laughing and then giving him a hard time thinking I just rejected him but I tried to say that wasn’t the case. It turned out to be a funny moment and we agreed on a stage kiss- essentially he kissed me close to my mouth and it was no big deal. Always a fun memory though.

I wish I could say I stuck to my ‘no kiss until my wedding’ idea but I can’t. I have kissed one guy and I only did because I thought I was going to marry him at that time. I haven’t since and I’m very of glad. It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with kissing necessarily, but it helps me to focus on what matters most to me and keeps me from getting emotionally attached to guys I’m attracted to but don’t really like. It is my hope that the next guy I kiss will be my husband.

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