Tag Archives: christian dating

Dating means letting go, marriage means holding on

Posted on by

I think we have it backwards. Too many people stay in relationships they should have left long ago while others exit when they should have stayed. Maybe it’s just me but I often see these people in dating relationships that just seem miserable. And the excuse is always the same, “Yea, but I love him/her.” Really? What is it you love so much? Okay okay, I don’t want to come across negative but what I really want to tell these people is that they aren’t married and it won’t get better. I think we often think it will. We hope it will at least. And it does in some ways. But I think we forgot the whole concept of dating.

Dating means letting go

Many people who are just dating say they are basically married. What?! If they don’t say it, it’s often implied. It’s fun to think about. We date because we want to be married, well really because we want to be loved. And marriage signifies that. But the whole point of dating is to get to know someone to see if you want to be married to them. You can’t possibly know if you want to marry them until you get to know them. So it’s okay if you end up breaking up- you aren’t married! That is what happens. Yes, we often feel we can’t. We don’t want to quit. We don’t want to fail. We want to work through it. We want to be loyal. All great qualities but it’s simply tragic when it’s wasted on the wrong one because you didn’t think you could break up for whatever reason. It is hard to do but it’s life and it happens. Contrary to what your heart wants to do, you need to balance being “happy go lucky” with objectiveness to see if this is actually the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. No one can be mad at you for breaking up when you are only dating. Well, unless you were a jerk about it;)

Marriage means holding on

So what leads me to believe these people are running into marriages instead of breaking things off? The numerous divorces I see happening in couples just a few years in. That’s what. What happened? What went wrong? We exit marriages quicker than we exit work when the clock hits 5 o’clock. I think a big problem is the fact that people want to get married but they aren’t ready for marriage. At least not with the person they picked. Numerous reasons I am sure. But just like dating is the opportunity to decide whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, marriage signifies that commitment to actually spend the rest of your life with said person. Commitment. Fighting. Loving. Choosing the other person first. Constantly. So if you’re not ready, don’t get married. If you don’t know the person well enough to know, don’t do it. Marriage is losing its value in our society, but don’t let it lose its meaning in your life.

signature

photo credit: Amber Dancing via photopin (license)

So I’ve been talking to a lot of guys lately…

Posted on by

IMG_0216

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. You can say I’ve been “researching” for new topics haha okay that is partly true. I thought my life would settle down somewhat but apparently it’s picked up even more. Knowing me, this is not surprising. I think I’m playing catch up from giving up guys for lent. Seriously. I thought I’ve met every guy and then all of these guys come out of no where. It’s been good. Or interesting. And definitely time-consuming which I am not really a fan of but somewhat needed.

I’ve learned a few things recently that I want to share with you. And I honestly wish there were stronger words I could use to stress these points but I don’t think they’ve been discovered yet. Maybe I’ll add that to my list;)

There is someone great out there for you and they can come at any time. You all have heard my rants about online dating, which I will write about my personal experiences at some point. Still not sold on the whole idea. Mainly because love is not something to be controlled. It just is. And I think part of the beauty of it is just watching and letting it happen, outside of your control. It amazes me and leaves me in awe sometimes. Am I saying sit at home all day and do nothing? Absolutely not! But get out there and enjoy life and allow, yes allow, God to do His thing as you do what He has called you to do. Sometimes we really need to let go and let God.

Keep dating and don’t feel bad about it. If you are anything like me, you tend to focus on the guy (or girl) you like the most and give it your all. That’s the loyalty in you. But you are dating, not married. And that is a very scary thing to do because you close yourself off without fully knowing someone simply because you are excited and infatuated. Keep getting to know people- it’s how you discover what you like, what you don’t, what you respect and what love about others. It allows you to remain somewhat objective rather than making excuses for the wrong one.

Don’t rush. Enjoy each day and the fun and excitement it brings. “I just went on an awesome second date with Jason and he is amazing. I wonder what our babies would look like?!” Sounds ridiculous, right?! Yet, these are the kinds of things that run through our heads. Which is fine but don’t act upon them! Don’t give your heart away too soon. If they are the right one, they will still be there as you continue down this journey. Love is something to be embraced, not rushed. Sidenote, if it doesn’t end up working out, you typically leave on better terms this way.

The heart is what matters most. It’s easy to say people care about money, looks, job, insert whatever you want but really it’s the heart. Sometimes those outward things reveal the heart, sometimes they don’t. But get to know people, like really get to know them. If I’ve learned anything, there is nothing more attractive than a good and loving heart. You can’t fake that and it’s irreplaceable.

Back to “researching” and hope to keep you all posted sooner than later:p

signature

Mom’s Advice & Dating

Posted on by

mom and me 2

Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mommies out there and a big special HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to mine. I decided to a post on mother’s advice because my mom has been so instrumental in helping me to become the woman I am today. And I can’t thank her enough. Although I am very fortunate enough to have her as a mother, I hope there is someone you can identify in your life that has been a strong role model for you that will help you to relate and realize how blessed you are. There are many reasons I love my mom and when it comes to dating, these are some of the reasons I trust her as much as I do.

She’s never been wrong. Yes, I hate to admit this one but it’s true. One thing I don’t think we realize or want to realize is that we are emotionally attached when we like someone and we will excuse that person’s behavior to no end. However, moms aren’t and they can see right through the smoke screen we fall under the spell of.

She understands. My mom has never acted like I was dumb for liking someone I shouldn’t. She always acknowledges that my feelings are real and they matter. She encourages me to get closure as long as she believes I am healthy enough to handle it. She knows me better than I know myself. And though I may make dumb decisions, she understands and helps me to work though it.

Her mistakes were mistakes I didn’t have to go through. I’ve never understood the mentality my peers had while growing up. I would hear the excuse “Well you drank, well you had sex, well you did ” when they would argue with their parents. This was done in hopes to justify their choices. I would hope that each generation improves as we are able to learn from our elders. My mom has always told me she wants a better life for me than she had for herself. It was never about keeping good things away from me but protecting me from the bad so I could have the best life possible. She has always been so open and honest about her life and because of that there are many mistakes I was fortunate enough to avoid. It is such a blessing not having to learn the hard way.

She loves me unconditionally. I think the one thing that trumps everything else and why I am able to trust my mom as I much as I do, is the fact I know she loves me unconditionally. When you feel that unconditional love, you feel so safe and secure that you can do anything. Without it, you are always on guard and are left to question motives. Because of my mom, I now know what unconditional love looks like and can only hope to love people the way she does.

I wouldn’t say my mom is a tough mom when it comes to potential boyfriends. She isn’t too concerned with money. She wants me to be attracted to him but looks aren’t that important. And while a fun personality is a plus, that won’t win her over either. No, my mom has and always will look for one thing- will this guy love my daughter the way Christ loved the church? And she knows. She’s unbelievably smart. And this is why I don’t bring many guys home to meet her. She’ll point out what I already know deep down. Thank you mom for teaching me self-respect- letting me know my value and worth. I love you so much! Oh, and good luck future suitors:p

signature

Thank you for making me a part of your life but you never became a part of mine

Posted on by

5447731379_bacccee927_b

Do you ever wonder why things never worked out with us? We looked so perfect on the outside but on the inside? Not so much. I’m really not sure how to write this. I feel as though I should feel grateful but I don’t. I always hear how it’s such a huge deal in women’s lives when the guy they are seeing wants you to “meet the parents” as if it symbolizes something special, the next step, or that he ‘like likes’ you. When you meet the family, that’s saying something. At least most of the time. But it’s what I’m used to so maybe I don’t see it as all that big of a deal. I do but I don’t. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy where I haven’t met the parents. Shoot, some first dates I met the whole family!

I guess you could say I’ve been fortunate to date guys who have been so quick to welcome me in. I think it has something to do with being a virgin. A lot to do with my faith, morals, and values. And some to do with my crazy personality. When you live your life the way I do- you’re the one they always want to take home to meet the parents because you’re that “good girl.” It doesn’t mean you’re in love though.

You loved me (to an extent- I’ll get back to this later) and were quick to make me a part of your life. I liked it. It made me feel special and valuable. It made me feel you wanted me around and you wanted us to work. I always supported you, was quick to become part of your family, and loved meeting the people that mattered most to you. But something was always wrong and I think I’m finally starting to see what it was.

While you’d been quick to show me off and make me a part of your family, you never wanted to be a part of mine. Can we really call that love? It’s hidden behind “I just wanted to make you feel welcome” and “You mean so much to me that I want you to know everything about me” when in actuality it’s “This is what I’m doing so you either come aboard or not.” What happened to the ‘we’? We become one; I don’t become yours. Did you see this? Did you stop to think how I felt? What you were indirectly asking me to leave- to give up? This can’t be what a healthy relationship is all about. I’ve seen better. And I’ll wait for better.

Maybe I’m to blame for part of it. I still see meeting the family as a huge deal. I don’t want any attachments being formed only for us to realize we aren’t right for each other. No sense in hurting more people than we have to. Or maybe I just don’t want you to meet my parents because I already know they’ll say you aren’t good enough for me. Maybe you aren’t. You aren’t if you don’t want to be a part of my life. If you don’t make an effort to break through. Because the truth is you really didn’t love me as much as you thought you did. You didn’t really want it that bad. I was just a good catch that you could bring home to mom.

signature

photo credit: 163 via photopin (license)

Dating, Marriage, and Sex: Part One- What to look for when you are looking for marriage

Posted on by

datingmarriagesex1

I have always been a firm believer in never dating just to date. I really don’t see any benefits in that and someone always ends up getting hurt. That will be someone’s spouse one day- we shouldn’t play with people’s hearts or emotions if we aren’t willing or looking to commit. One of the pastor’s I listen to is Ben Stuart from Breakaway Ministries at Texas A&M. He has a wonderful ministry there and I always appreciate his perspective on things. He did a series awhile back and I wish I could find them but the messages were entitled Sex and Dating and had four parts, I believe. I decided to utilize my notes from his messages to write this series for you all because it has helped me so much in reminding me what’s important when it comes to dating. I would like to preface this with the fact that I don’t believe in checklists but this should serve as a helpful guide to help us all think a little more objectively when our emotions may get the best of us. Ultimately, you have to listen to God and make the best decision for your life.

Anyone can get a date. Let’s just get that out there. Sometimes we get discouraged or feel inadequate, that no one likes us or we’ll always be single but the truth is, we could all get married tomorrow if we really wanted to. And we can’t forget that. Lower your standards enough and you can. But we don’t want to and we shouldn’t have to. Sometimes we get caught up on this whole dating and marriage thing as if it’s the most important thing in the world. And while I think we could all agree that I do think it is one of the most important decisions we will ever make, there are far greater things out there we should be thinking about. We must not forget that one of the coolest and most exciting things about marriage is how it represents and shows how much Christ loves us, loves the church.

I think that we tend to be in such a rush to find someone that we miss the gift of singleness. Yes, you heard right- singleness is such an amazing gift. It allows you to be fully devoted to Christ and Him alone. You don’t have anyone else to worry about and aren’t looking for ways to please another. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing and with the right one, you both will be so completely powerful together as you both pursue Christ. But with the wrong one, it could prove to be detrimental. Marriage is never about two incomplete people finding wholeness with the other; rather, it is about two complete people complementing each other to create power. THAT is what makes it so amazing and exciting.

Before you even begin to look at dating, you have to have your relationship with God right first. I cannot stress this enough. If you are not complete yourself, you have no business in the dating world because honestly, everyone will fall short. Only when your security and identity is found in Christ, will you be able to engage in healthy relationships. Otherwise, what we see are just mutually exclusive using relationships or partnerships. I hate to be so blunt but that’s what it is and it makes me so sad. Yes, some of them work but they could be so much better! Don’t you want and desire God’s best for your life? Let God fill your heart so you will be complete, lacking nothing and then allow Him to bring the perfect person FOR YOU into life to help complement it. You have to be full of God’s love first if you want to succeed in a loving and healthy marriage. Since God is love and you are full in Him, the rest will just come naturally and you won’t need all these self-help books on how to love or save your marriage, it’s just who you are.

The next six items are things to consider when looking for a spouse. Once again, these are helpful reminders and tips to help us stay focused and not get distracted from what we really want and are looking for. I would also argue that the first two are the most important. The rest don’t necessarily have to be there but I would imagine a lot of hiccups and arguments in the future if they aren’t. Love is the most important thing, but sometimes we need reminders as to what love really is.

1) A believer. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” You can’t really get more clear than this. One, God says it so I would follow it since God only has our best interest at heart. Two, think about it. If God is the most important thing in your life, two things could either happen- you start to resent the person you are with because you can’t share the most important thing in your life with them or two, your relationship with Christ begins to suffer as you start compromising. There have been some very rare instances where the unbeliever gets saved from what we call “evanga-dating” where you witness to your unbelieving partner. However, this is only because of God’s grace and should never be a model for what we pursue.

2) Someone who is morally submitted to God. This one is so important. If you aren’t really following Christ, I would question how much you really believe. I will sum this one up with a quote from Matt Chandler:

“Can I say something to young ladies here? I’m trying to pick my words carefully here. Your husband, whoever he is, single ladies, will have an unbelievable amount of influence over your sons and daughters in regards to spiritual things. If you want your children to love Jesus deeply, hold out for a man that is Godly. And let me tell you this: I am well aware that Godly men are rare. Lots of neat Christian boys, not a lot of Godly men. And we’re working our tails off for you to try to develop some into that. But don’t settle, because it’s better to be lonely now than you be married and lonely later. Are you tracking with me? It is better that you be lonely now than for you to get married to a man that will teach your kids everything but the way of Jesus.”

3) Someone who is moving at the same pace. This is so important. Okay, I find myself saying that a lot but it is so true because I’ve been there and it doesn’t work. You do not want to date or marry a guy you are having to drag to be the spiritual leader. It gets exhausting. I can’t tell how many times I’ve had to encourage the person I’m with to go to church or do devotions with me. It’s fine for a friendship but I am looking for a man to lead me and my family one day. I have such a strong personality outside my personal life, that all I desire is to be lead when I am home- safe and secure. And I don’t think that is wrong. God calls women to submit to their husbands and I have such a strong desire to do that but it has to be to someone I believe in, that hears God and I can look up to and admire. We are always to be chasing after God and how easy and comforting is it if we have someone there who is moving at the same pace as us? We are only here for a short time; you don’t need to settle for someone who will only slow you down.

4) Someone who is theologically compatible. While I don’t think this one is a deal breaker, I do think it is important. I had someone break up with me because we weren’t on the same page in regards to infant baptism, spiritual gifts, and predestination. I was willing to compromise on them because I didn’t think they were deal breakers; he was not. What it came down to was he didn’t want me teaching our kids what I believed as he thought he was correct and 100% right in what he believed. As you can see, this would have created numerous arguments down the road. My personal opinion is that there is not necessarily one denomination that is better than the other but that the person truly has a relationship with The Lord. I believe that there are things in the Bible that are clearly stated, while others are a little more grey. It is up to the two of you to share and discuss your individual relationships with Christ (always look for someone who has a personal relationship with Christ and not just someone who can quote off scripture or popular theologians- personal experience;-) and the Bible to ensure you are on the same page in your beliefs.

5) Someone who is socially compatible. I think this one can change over time but this is where it’s imperative you already have your identity in Christ. Once you know who you are, you can begin figuring out what your purpose is. Oftentimes, we confuse the two or get them backwards, or worse- find our purpose and/or identity in another person. What’s scary is if you don’t know your purpose yet and you end up marrying someone else who does have a clear direction and purpose, only to find out it’s not the direction God had planned for you. I do think sometimes another person can help aid us in finding our purpose so I don’t want to discredit that. But at the same time, God created a deep desire within us to accomplish something for His kingdom utilizing our personal gifts. What a tragedy it would be if we miss out on that by marrying the wrong person. Only you can know this one. If your heart is for missions overseas, you may not be most compatible with a person who feels called to stay in the states and do something else. I don’t know though. I still feel with real love, both people can accomplish big goals for God that may eventually change. Just something to think about.

6) Someone you are physically attracted to. Alright, I am going to be honest- when I first heard this series, I thought this last one was totally superficial. I’ve been around long enough to think that looks won’t matter if I can really find someone who loves God. However, I recently dated a guy that I was not attracted to at all but I thought he really loved God so I was willing to look past that. I did start to think he was cuter when I got to know him more. However, I was never really attracted to him. Our relationship never went anywhere for other reasons but I did spend some time thinking about the attraction thing. I finally concluded that God does not desire for us to be with someone we aren’t attracted to. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone you are attracted to. Thankfully, we are all attracted to different types of people so I don’t believe we will have to settle in this area. It’s not asking too much to have a godly, cute person:)

Wow, okay that was a lot longer than I anticipated. Check back later this week because I’ll continue this with my next post on how you should date because we all know that’s just as confusing;-)

signature

My best worst date ever

Posted on by

Mybestworstdateever

I’m not sure why I’m starting out the new year with this type of post but here goes lol. I have had some pretty interesting dates over my manyyy years of dating- okay okay, I’m not that old people! But they were talking about worst dates on the radio the other day and I was talking to some of my friends on Facebook about our experiences and there are some weird stories out there! Mine was not that bad. Okay, maybe it was. Here it is, in three parts. Yes, three.

The first date:
I still remember talking to a couple of my girlfriends about all of our current guy situations. Yep, it’s true- guys dominate a lot of our conversations. One of my friends had recently went out with this guy and was telling us all about her “fun” experience. She described this guy as maybe too religious and then thought of me. I’m not sure if I should have been offended by that or not lol. Even though her date was bad, I was single and thought why not give him a try. At the very least I’d have a good story and boy do I. Standards, Sarah, standards.

Nick and I decided to meet at a central location to both of us at a local bookstore. We met around 7 and would decide what to do from there. From the minute Nick and I met, he wanted to know what our mutual friends had said about him (as in my friend that went out with him.) I’m typically a pretty patient person when it comes to that, but I finally had to tell him to stop caring about what other people think about him. It was so annoying to say the least. But it gets better. He asked what we should do. Sidenote- I like a guy that plans and comes up with ideas so I might have already started thinking less of him and judging at this point. My bad. I suggested we go eat because it’s dinnertime and I’m starving. Nope, he just ate. Wow, thanks. I suggest the mall, which was right across the street. Nope, too many people. Alright. I suggest the beach and pier, which was about 10 minutes away. Nope, too far. At this point I was already giving up. He suggested the park that was right across the street. I said fine but I was going to drive through Steak n’ Shake first because I was starving and meet him there. I did- with a burger, fries, and milkshake in hand. We talked. I ate. It was okay. Mostly dull. Mostly about him. It was fascinating. I didn’t know there were people out there who were really this self-absorbed. We got kicked out of the park because they were closing and went across the street to another park and continued to walk and talk. We did have some good conversation and he is a nice guy, there was just nothing there. I didn’t think we’d go out again but we did. You could say I’m a glutton for punishment.

Date two:
So you’re probably wondering why in the world I would go out with Nick again. Yea, I still don’t know either. We would text on and off after our first date and we had made a silly bet over politics and he won. Loser was supposed to take the other to dinner. We agreed on a place to go which was his idea- central location yet again. While walking up to the restaurant, he asked me if the place was good. I told him that I didn’t know because I had never been there. He then proceeded to ask me why I picked the place and I told him that I didn’t. He said I did. We argued in the parking lot about this. Real mature, I know. Turns out I was right and he misread my text. He still owes me a movie for being wrong. Since we were at an outdoor mall with several restaurants around, we decided to walk somewhere else. On our walk, he told me not to worry, that he would pay for his half of the check. Uhh thanks? Maybe I’m a little old fashioned but seriously. Am I wrong for thinking he should have still paid? Maybe I’m spoiled. I don’t know. I wish I could say it got better.

We went to a pizza place and both got water. He asked if I wanted to share a pizza and I said sure. He wanted to know what I wanted on it and I told him I didn’t care- whatever he wanted was fine. I just wanted garlic knots. We ate and we fought. Maybe it was my fault because I love talking about taboo topics such as religion, politics, and sex. He zoned out once during dinner and told me how he felt bad for fat people. That was weird. One time he told me not to interrupt him and let him finish talking. Wow. And just so we are clear, I am a pretty passionate person, but always respectful so that definitely blind-sided me.

Dinner was great- as in the food. We had to get a to go box for the rest of the pizza; I actually only ate one slice because I filled up on garlic knots. I took two additional slices to go and Nick took a total of five. I’m mentioning this for a reason. When the check came, Nick looked at it for awhile and then asked how we should split it. Mind you, there are only two items on it- our pizza and the garlic knots (which he ate too). I knew what he was thinking- he didn’t want to pay for the garlic knots since I ordered them. His face said it all. I said we could split it down the middle. He paused for a second and then agreed. Such a charmer.

We ended up walking around to different shops- he needed a beanie. This guy is so vain. He is good looking but oh my gosh, he thinks he is the best thing since slice bread. We go into Old Navy and see a family taking photos with the mannequins and I could tell he wanted one but was kind of shy. I offered to take it for him. Most people would take a picture with each other; my date wanted one with a mannequin. He then tried on several beanies and asked me how each one looked. They all look the same! Ahh. He finally decides and we continue to walk. I did want to stop into Claire’s for a second to see if they had any phone cases, don’t judge me. We were in the store for no more than a minute when I noticed Nick wasn’t in the store anymore. I go to look for him and he is outside wandering. I asked him what he was doing and he thought I said I was ready to go. Wow. Okay then.

We end up walking back to our trucks and I hug him, say thanks, and tell him I had a good time. As I start walking back to my truck he made a big mistake; he asks me if I meant that. Did I really have a good time? He shouldn’t have asked that. I had to be honest. We end up talking for over an hour in the parking lot. It was actually the best part of all of our interactions. We got to talk about some pretty deep stuff. Long story short, I just didn’t think he was ready to date yet. Obviously I care about him and this was all in good fun. I never have met someone I didn’t care about. And not everyone we go out with is going to be the person we marry. That’s okay. To quote Madea- some people come into your life for a lifetime, others for a season. For whatever reason, Nick and I met.

Third times a charm:
Nick contacted me not too long ago and we decided we should catch up. We met at a restaurant and he actually paid for my food and drink with no hesitation. Maybe my talk with him actually did work;-) But he’s moved on- to cougars and pretty women. I love catching up with him and I’d like to think we’ll always be friends. Maybe not after he reads this post though. Oops!

signature

Please date other people

Posted on by

large_15685590978

These are some of the toughest words I’ve ever said but also the most needed. We all want to feel like we are the only one, that we are special, we are worth it. It makes us feel loved, valued, and appreciated. I love feeling this way. But there is something I need more. I need you to date other people.

I need to not feel pressured while I’m getting to know you. I don’t want to know that you are putting all your eggs in one basket with me and that if I decide we aren’t meant to be, your life won’t be destroyed. I don’t want to cause another heartbreak. I don’t want to be the cause of pain. But it’s that or stay with someone I don’t’ really love. Both options aren’t right. There should be more options. That’s what’s kept me away from dating for so long. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have many guy friends who have been hurt by that one woman. I don’t want to be that woman. Ever.

I need to know you aren’t wasting your time with me.
I need to know you can be patient with me.
If I’m the only one, please don’t make me feel guilty; I tend to shut you out and run.

I need you to date other people for you too. It’s so easy to like someone when they are the only one you have. You make it work. You even change yourself if it’s not working. But I want to see the real you. And you deserve to see the real me too. When you date multiple people, you can compare and learn more about what you like and don’t like. I’ve heard people say you shouldn’t compare but I’m not sure why. You deserve the best. And I believe the best is worth waiting for. We could all settle today if we really wanted to. Lower our standards enough and there’s somebody there waiting. But that’s not what we want and we know that. Don’t settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now.

Do you know how much more valuable I’ll feel knowing you have dated other girls and still chose me?! I really can’t commend you if I was your only option. Take your time. Get to know me- before being sold on my great looks and dashing personality:p Okay, I’m halfway kidding but this does happen to me a lot more than I care to admit. And I don’t like it. It feels good for my ego but deep down I don’t like it. My heart, the most important and valuable thing about me, is minimized.

Why is it that the best relationships started as friendships and some of the worse ones involved people who jumped the gun? Think about it. I’m looking for something that’ll last; not just feel good right now. And for me, dating multiple people allows me to be myself more and truly get a feel for what I’m looking for. So many people stay stuck in bad relationships because they don’t believe there is anything better. Oh, but there is. You just have to be willing to wait for it. As one of the best quotes I’ve ever heard states- “You’ll never leave where you are until you decide where you’d rather be.”

I’m not acting like this phrase is easy to say or hear. It requires you to be vulnerable and take risks. Sometimes people use this phrase because they really don’t like you and feel guilty about it. But it requires a lot of strength to say. You risk losing a person you might truly love in hopes of obtaining someone that truly loves you. When you hear it, you don’t know how to take it. Are they caring about you or do they really not care about you? I hate it. God tells us to guard our hearts. So be yourself. Love. But take your time. Trust that God will show you the right one when the time is right. You both will know. After all, you’re only looking for one ‘right one’ anyway;)

*date as in having many friendships with guys/girls that you may be interested in. I DO NOT mean being physically involved with those people. That’s another sure-fire way to distract you from reality. signature

photo credit: Graffio! via photopin cc

Rebounding is not always such a bad idea

Posted on by

large_5271247127

I’d like to preface this with what I would hope to be common knowledge given the title of my blog but just in case- I do not mean rebounding in any physical manner. However, I do believe rebounding in other ways may prove to be very beneficial and healthy.

Going through break-ups are rough. Unless you decide to not have a heart and cut off all emotions (which I have seen before) you will experience pain and heartbreak when you go through a break-up. While I have not done any studies on it, I do think that you experience more pain with the ones you cared about the most, the ones you allowed inside your heart. It’s so crappy when it happens because part of you never wants to experience that hurt again but at the same time it’s rewarding because even after all the pain, at least you can feel and have the capacity to love. To me that’s everything.

Nothing is a substitute for time after a break-up. However, it is what you do during the time after a break-up that affects your healing process most. I think we all deal with it in unique and different ways. I’m a huge fan of closure and for me, I sometimes put myself through more pain because it helps me to truly get over someone and have no regrets. While my healing process may be different than yours, I don’t think it’s really all that unique. I question the relationship- if I could have or should have done anything different. Was it my fault things ended- were my expectations too high? I remember the good times. I stalk social media pages and wonder if they are missing what we had. Because truthfully, while we may miss each other I think what we miss the most is feeling loved. I tend to close myself off to anyone else because I know I am vulnerable and just want to feel loved again. So I don’t look for anyone else for awhile, I won’t open myself up until I feel completely healed.

It sounds good in theory but what happens during that time of healing? We don’t go out and we don’t allow anyone in. That forces us to only think about that one person we had. So in hopes of feeling loved, we try to convince ourselves our ex wasn’t that bad because we don’t want to be alone. This is why you see so many people go back to their exes, back into bad relationships. This is why people settle. And it’s so scary because I’ve been there so many times.

I went through a break up not too long ago and I am now currently talking to a guy that recently got out of a relationship, as well. My old self would have said this is a recipe for disaster. “Don’t talk to me, I need to be alone for a long time” would be my response. But this guy is fun and honest and real. We are able to talk and communicate about what is going on inside of us. I have a feeling we will always be friends no matter where our paths may take us. We think a lot alike and have very similar interests. It’s a different feeling than I am used to and I like it. I am so glad I met him and that we came into each other’s lives. I’ve already learned so much more about myself because of him. When you don’t see anyone else, you naturally think it won’t get any better than what you had. He reminds me what it is I really want when I had forgotten in my previous relationships. He gives me hope. Likewise, he was hanging onto the thought of hopefully getting back with his ex because that’s all he knew, all he saw. Meeting me has reminded him of what he is really looking for, things he didn’t think were out there. It’s crazy how in some ways we came into each other’s lives to renew our hope. Some may call it rebounding and that’s okay with me. But this kind of rebounding shouldn’t have a negative connotation. We aren’t using each other. We’ve set boundaries. We like each other and we appreciate each other. It gave us fresh eyes to move forward and to move on.

I sometimes wonder if we hadn’t come into each other’s lives if we would still be hurting or wishing for something in the past because we saw no future. Society tells us it’s wrong to rebound and not fair to the other person. And I would agree, especially if you are using someone just to feel better about yourself. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with putting yourself out there in order to heal and do what you need to do. I still am a firm believer in self-reflection and alone time. Don’t rush into something just because you are lonely, but don’t close yourself off just because you’re scared. There is so much hope out there, so much love. Give yourself another chance. You left that person for a reason and God has that perfect one for you out there. Go explore and never settle.

signature

photo credit: Keoni Cabral via photopin cc

There is no such thing as right person, wrong time

Posted on by

origin_4321914441

Seriously. I’ve heard this numerous times and I just read an article entitled something along the lines of “The joys and pains of meeting the right person at the wrong time.” Umm what?! I’m sorry, but do you realize how rare it is to find the/a right person? And let’s be honest for a second, maybe it’s just me, but if I found what I thought was the right person, I don’t see how or why the “wrong time” would have to stop us from being together. So what do these “wrong times” really mean?

  • The “I just got out of a relationship and need to be single for awhile” excuse. I’ll let you in on a little secret- 99% of the time this line is used as a nice way to reject someone. The other 1% actually recognizes what is going on inside them and hopefully expresses it well enough to let the other person know they can still enjoy a friendship with one another. Besides, starting out as friends is always a plus. The right one will be patient. So tell me how this was really the right person at the wrong time again?
  • The “I just think we are headed in different directions” excuse. Basically, something else is more important to me right now and this relationship is not worth it. You are a great person but more than likely not the one I’m supposed to be with so I’m okay with letting you go. Love always finds a way and if I really thought you were the right person, I’d find a way to be together, while still pursuing my dreams. It’s not rocket science, but it does require two people who both feel the other is the right person for them.
  • The “I’m just too young and don’t know who I am yet” excuse. Legit excuse. However, who says you can’t figure out life with the right person? If anything, I think the right person would be a complement to you and would only help to strengthen and encourage you. But then again, we often get this confused with the wrong person who we like but something deep down in our gut tells us something is wrong. Therefore, this wonderful excuse was born.
  • The “We live in two different places” excuse. While I understand this is a hard one, I firmly believe it’s doable. After realizing how rare it is to find someone you actually like and could see yourself being with for the rest of your life, I honestly believe that with the right person, you can make anything work. This might include giving up on something that is not that important to, compromising, or managing a long distance relationship for a certain period of time. I think we forget that one of the greatest things about being in a healthy relationship is having someone that loves you no matter what and encourages you to achieve all the dreams God placed in your heart. The wrong one will not understand this and have a cookie-cutter life planned out and run the minute things don’t go according to plan.
  • The “This could never work long term” excuse. This one is open-ended. Our families don’t get along. We have different beliefs. You annoy me. Really, this could be anything. We like the person for whatever reason but we don’t want to be with them for the rest of our lives and that’s okay. There will be many people we like for different reasons but that does not mean they are the right person for us. It’ll work with the right person no matter what obstacles may come your way.

What all of these have in common is the fact that they weren’t the wrong time; they were the wrong person for you if you were willing to let them go. Let’s call it what it is. Besides, would the right person really leave you? That doesn’t sound like the kind of right person I would want to be with anyway. And if I’m not willing to work through it or make it work, I deep down don’t think they are the right person either.

Maybe we just need to redefine the term “right person.” Sometimes a right person will come into our life only for a season. We grow, we learn but it doesn’t necessarily mean we are to spend the rest of our lives with this person. This term “wrong time” has such a negative connotation. Embrace the time you have with those at given times in your life. Some come for a lifetime, others for a season and that’s okay. These people can be the right person at the right time. They are a great person, cool person but not the right person (marriage), for us at least. So can we please stop lying to ourselves? Can we please stop using this as a cop out to avoid rejection or rejecting someone else. It’s not the wrong time- it’s just that we are don’t see this going anywhere further and that is nothing to feel bad about.

signature

photo credit: pathlost via photopin cc

To the girl who regrets waiting until marriage for sex

Posted on by

large_14233887723

There is an article going around about a woman who waited until her wedding night to lose her virginity and how she wished didn’t. If you are interested in reading it, it can be found here. One of my friends sent it to me and as I was thinking about my thoughts regarding it, I decided to make them into a blog post as a means to hopefully clarify what I believe went wrong.

I first want to start off by saying her sex life sounded awful. It breaks my heart and is certainly not how God intended it. Sex is a great thing. God created it and it is talked about and encouraged in the Bible several times. To me, it represents a whole new level of intimacy that I hope to share with the man I love as I get to be vulnerable and allow him to love me on a deeper level as well. I look forward to this day. It is beautiful and wonderful… IF you have a proper understanding of why God designed sex and if shared with the right person. And therein lies the problem. Her problems started before her wedding. Her problems began before she even met her husband. They started when she was a kid.

  1. Samantha stated that she decided to save herself for marriage because she believed that true love waits. Why? What does that even mean? How is it true love if you wait and not if you don’t? My feeling is that she didn’t know the answers to these questions. There are so many benefits to waiting until marriage to have sex and there are no cons if you truly marry the one God has for you. It is so easy to bring additional problems into the marriage and then blame God’s rules for them. One of my favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, once said there are no such things as marriage problems, just single people problems that get brought into the marriage and I couldn’t agree more. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that God wants what is best for us more than anyone in this world could ever want. He would not withhold anything good from us. And just because we may not understand exactly why at the time, if we have a true relationship with Jesus, He will show us why. Sometimes I’m okay with just trusting God because I know He loves me, other times I ask Him to show me things and I actually put some effort into finding the answers and He does show me.
  2. 10 years old. She made a big deal about how she was too young to make the pledge at that age. I don’t think this is too young given our culture today. Maybe it was too young for her though and the proper age may be different given your specific environment. I doubt this had much effect, however.
  3. What her church taught was a lie. What scriptures did they use? Sex is for married people and it is sinful and dirty outside of marriage. You should want to remain pure for your husband, but because you love him not just because you don’t want to go to hell. I’m sorry but if you do or don’t do anything because you don’t want to go to hell, that is really selfish and not about love at all. And God’s number one commandment is love. There was no love in her church or interpretation of it. And just to be clear, the responsibility to remain pure is the same for both women and men. I have nooo idea where her church got the idea that men weren’t held to the same standard. This sounds more like a legalistic cult rather than a loving church.
  4. Your virginity should never be your identity but an action that follows as a result of who you are and what your identity really is in Christ. Samantha noted that it did become her identity and that was another problem. No wonder she couldn’t enjoy sex. If you lose what you are dependent on for your identity of course nothing good is going to come as a result. My life would be over if I lost Christ. He defines me. I would be lost without Him. But it’s Him that defines me, never my virginity.
  5. Why the heck would she feel dirty, wrong, or sinful having sex with her husband?! It sounds like she was taught that sex in general was bad and it’s not. It’s great. And it’s best when shared with the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with and make that commitment. You should only ever feel that way if you give away part of yourself to the wrong person. I can’t wait to have sex and it will be enjoyable (after the initial pain;) with the right person- awful with the wrong one because you do give away a part of yourself and it’s extremely scary if it’s not the right person. It also sounds like she didn’t trust her husband enough to be open with him during this. I would never marry someone I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to about these things. There were definitely some communication issues. This would not have been solved by having sex a bunch prior to marriage. I will say sometimes people rush marriage because they are waiting until marriage for sex, as well. This is never good either. I don’t know what their motive for getting married was, but sometimes lust is the main reason. That will never end well if that’s the case.
  6. She had religion but not a relationship. Her view of God was so incredibly wrong. I cannot stress this enough- you do not remain pure because you don’t want to go to hell or want God to bless your marriage! These were her reasons mentioned. You do it because you love God and you love your future spouse. Am I the only one that sees this? I don’t do nice things because I don’t want to be treated badly by people; I do them because I love and care about people. When you truly move from following a set of rules and guidelines and start developing a loving relationship with Christ, your whole life changes and that’s why they call it being born again.

This article truly broke my heart because she was not able to fully enjoy sex, or make love as I prefer to call it, because she was never really shown what Christ’s love was all about. Please don’t forget that just because someone goes to church or says they are a Christian doesn’t mean they really are. It goes much deeper than that. I truly hope she realizes one day that her problem wasn’t the fact that she didn’t sleep around before marriage, but that she never had a proper relationship with Christ of knowing how much He truly loves her.

signature

 

 

photo credit: Georgie Pauwels via photopin cc