An open letter to my first love

I spent the weekend crying. I don’t like to show emotions… well, mainly painful ones. Denial seems to work… until it doesn’t. I was shocked to learn you were no longer here. My mind fully couldn’t comprehend it. Though it had been a few years since we had talked, I had comfort in knowing you were always here. You were always one message away. You were always there.

I know some breakups seem cleaner than ours was. Our on again off again relationship drug out over the course of four years. I don’t think people realized that. I don’t think we realized that until I read over my journals. I’m thankful I wrote so much down, especially now. Among all our pain and hurt, neither of us really wanted to let go.

I think first loves are a special type of bond. I don’t think either of us fully comprehended what love really was yet. We were still learning. Learning who each other were, learning who we really were. I remember running into you after our final breakup. It was almost as if nothing had changed and all our love and care for one another was still there. It was as if we only could remember the good, as if the bad never existed. Our relationship was marked by so much forgiveness.

You had a heart of gold and there was always such a sweetness in your eyes. You always made me feel safe. I hope you know how much I loved you. I hope you know how much I prayed for you.

I now know God answered my prayers.

Your prayer from a little over a month ago, “You are a good God. Help me to understand this daily. Help me to spread Your love and minister to others for Your Glory. Let my story be not in vain but to help others. Keep me from temptation. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen”

It was asked at your celebration of life- why does it seem like the good go early while the bad seem to live on. I had often wondered that too. But the man who spoke said God desires for everyone to go to heaven, for no one to truly see death (hell). So maybe it was okay since we know where you are going, where you are now… and maybe He wants to give those who are lost a little more time to come to Him. I believe that. I know where you are. And there is so much peace and comfort in knowing that.

Death separates. I think that is why it is so painful. But we do not sorrow as those with no hope. And we would be the most miserable if this life was our only hope.

But you are not separated.

You are not gone.

Death is so devastating because we view this life as life. But this isn’t life. Physical separation in this life cannot compare to an eternal separation in the next. We weren’t made for this life but another. And you are already there.

I miss you, but I’ll see you soon.

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