Monthly Archives: January 2022

Don’t date for marriage

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Those who know me are probably confused by this title. This is the complete opposite of what I teach, of what I preach. But stick with me here.

I’ve made this mistake before in the past. Going into dating with a marriage mindset.

I had horrible dates.
I was constantly disappointed.
And I made a TON of excuses.

He is more of a homebody. He just isn’t great with compliments. He is not big into gifts. He’s busy. He’s had a long day.

Every. Excuse. Possible. I was miserable… but yet I stayed. I even remember saying to myself one time “Most people have a really tough year their first year of marriage; we are just getting our year out of the way while we are dating.” WHAT.

How did I allow this to happen for so long?

Because instead of seeing if I actually liked a person, I was trying to see if they fit the mold of my ideal husband.

And when things he told me “seemed” to align with how I pictured my future marriage, I allowed my heart to already marry him. It’s much harder to separate from someone you have already married in your heart. I was checking off boxes while simultaneously letting my guard down. And before I knew it, I had already given my heart before ever truly getting to know the person.

By the time you realize you don’t even like the person, it is too late. We’ve gone off words and what we wanted to hear. So much so that when actions start to reveal what is true, we turn the other way, determined to make it work. We’ve committed in our hearts and to leave now seems more painful, more difficult, than staying.

This method proved detrimental for me. It would take months for me to finally realize I didn’t actually like the guy. So, after some time, I finally realized I needed to take marriage off the table. Not permanently, but immediately. I needed to see if I could even have fun with the person. Listen, I’m not even saying similar interests. And I’m not saying to compromise your faith for fun, but you need to see if there is an interest at all. A desire to get to know the other person. A curiosity. Excitement. A level of joy.

When you take marriage off the table, you release so much unnecessary pressure. You get to know a person for the sake of simply getting to know a person. How they think. How they view the world. How they view others. How they view themselves. And then, and only then, can it potentially grow into something more as you start to see core morals and values align. You start to see why you got along so well in the first place.

Have guys really become more passive or are they just not interested?

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There’s been a call lately toward men for them to reject passivity. For them to step up and be men and pursue women once again. However, as men were told to focus on their careers and as women’s empowerment has progressed, things have become grey to say the least. And the messages throughout both the Christian and secular circles have become intertwined with a mix of “Women, don’t be afraid to make the first move” to “Men, quit being passive and pursue.”

As a female, I’ve pondered how to navigate this dynamic from my core beliefs alongside how society is today. When I consider myself a strong, independent woman, while at the same time believing the man is the leader of the home. How do I let a guy know I’m interested while still knowing deep down that I desire to be pursued? Am I asking too much? Is it appropriate to be frustrated at the idea of potentially taking the lead under the guise of “times have changed?” Do I join the circle of angry females that want men to step up and quit being passive?

All of these thoughts have led me to ask the question: Have the good men really become more passive or are they just not interested?

One of my guy friends put it this way:

There was a time when I knew girls were interested in me, but I was seen as shy or standoffish. I think in society today we see girls becoming more forward or chasing guys under the guise of wanting to ensure guys know they are interested, under the guise of wanting to be seen. I’m sure there are some guys out that are having a difficult time navigating the different dating dynamics but for me, it’s been less about me being passive and more about simply not being interested. As someone who seeks to date intentionally, I am hesitant to pursue if I can’t follow through. And what I mean by this is, is that for men looking to date toward marriage, it does not seem wise to pursue or potentially lead someone on if there are things evident that I am not looking for in a marriage partner. And on the outside, this may look a lot like passivity.

When I find someone that does interest me, however, the passive side seems to become irrelevant as a desire to pursue overshadows the perceived fear of an eventual end. The passive persona quickly changes to pursuit but has little to do with a girl’s actions and more to do with who she is deep to her core. I cannot be convinced to pursue. Maybe at first to pacify my ego, but that never lasts.

While the potential for it not working out in the long run is there, men will naturally pursue when they find what they are looking for. When they find someone they believe is worth pursuing. These thoughts remind me of a quote I saw from Mandy Hale:

Men aren’t “holding back.” They’re not scared. They’re not overwhelmed by the intensity of their feelings for you. They’re not “too busy with work.” They’re not unsure if they can give you what you “deserve.” If they are not acting interested, they are genuinely not interested.

So are we really mad that the guys are passive- or are we just upset that they aren’t interested in us? Because the right guy will be interested. And that interest will fuel pursuit.

Undivided

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For those who know me well, know how much of a planner I am. I love lists, to-dos, and goal setting. I’ve made new year resolutions, bucket lists, 30 before 30, 30 in the 30’s, and even just random monthly or weekly things I hope to accomplish. I never fully complete a list, but they always push me toward aspirations I hope to accomplish. I was looking back at some of my previous lists and it’s amazing to see the difference between now and then and how God showed up in unexpected ways…

Meet Tim Tebow… I met him three times
Finish PhD… I graduated in 2018
Start a blog… here we are:)
Get paid to speak… I have my first keynote in a month
Read through the entire Bible… I now lead a Facebook group of over 400 (!!!) people who aim to do the same each year

In addition to lists and actions related to my goals, I come up with a word for the year. I started doing this is 2017 and these are the words I chose:

2017 Intentional
2018 Pray & Finish
2019 Release
2020 Hope & Vision
2021 Abide

They almost never evolve the ways in which I anticipate. But this year was one where I held close to Christ. I had to. It started out heading in a direction I felt so confident in, yet quickly unraveled before my eyes. It can become tricky to reconcile what we believe God showed us with what God is currently showing us- especially when the two don’t align. I’ve since learned not to make presumptions upon God. God has also been teaching me a lot about perspective. Where I see disappointment, He sees a rescue. Where I see failures, He sees growth. And when all seems hopeless, He pushes me to remain hopeful. I’m learning to let go. I’m learning to give up control. And I’m learning to trust, hope, believe, and have faith in greater capacities. My prayer has always been to grow. Grow in holiness. Grow in strength. Grow in righteousness and become perfected before Him. And sometimes I may forget that to grow in those areas we need to be stretched and often uncomfortable. But it’s worth it. It’s always worth it. It can be a painful process to go through the molding and the chiseling, but the end result is always so beautiful.

One word keeps crossing my mind as we enter 2022: Undivided. Part of 2021 and part of my frustrations stemmed from one feeling: divided. Situations I found myself in left me feeling divided, like something was going to have to give. Peace seemed further and further away as confusion clouded my vision. To continue down the path I was headed, I was going to have to compromise when it came to my relationship with Christ. Though it may not have looked that way on the surface, I felt it deep in my spirit. And it made it even more difficult when I had believed God led me to my current situation. While God may allow certain circumstances, it doesn’t always mean it’s His best. Though situations may be from God, the outcomes may look different than we anticipate. So I had to let go, even though not fully understanding. I had to move back toward Christ. Back toward peace. It reminds me of how Noah built the ark, though he fully didn’t understand why at the time. I think that is where God wants us. Fully trusting, undivided devotion.

“Undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:35) is where my heart is really at. And it’s the only place I want to be.