To the Christian having sex outside of marriage


I was watching an episode of the Bachelorette last week. Becca, the Bachelorette, has a very prominent cross tattooed on her hand. She’s mentioned her faith before so I think it’s safe to assume she calls herself a Christian. And this happened to be the episode Colton decided to let Becca know he was still a virgin. I was excited to see her reaction to seeing someone who (may) takes the principles of God seriously. That has convictions he can commit to, standards he’s set for himself.

As Christians, we know one of God’s teachings is saving sex for your spouse. There are numerous scriptures on this subject. Lots of benefits to this as you can see from several of my other posts. But the fact remains, regardless if we know these benefits or not, do we trust God and His Word?

With this mindset, I would assume that anyone claiming to follow Christ would strive for this. It would be widely accepted and expected in the Christian community. Not something taboo or avoided. And most certainly, not something frowned upon.

Becca’s reaction was quite different from what I was expecting. She needed a moment to wrap her mind around Colton’s virginity and referred to Colton as one who isn’t as experienced. A “Christian” being disappointed in someone saving himself or herself for the right person, as if the lack of experience was a bad thing. We can say it’s TV but unfortunately, I see it all around me. I was shocked but not at the same time.

Do people, especially Christians, correlate abstinence with inexperience rather than commitment? Do people really view sexual experience as more attractive- desiring physical satisfaction over emotional commitment? I just can’t believe that is true. Not long term. Not when we get vulnerable and completely honest with ourselves. Not when doubts, insecurities, and comparisons start rising up as we struggle to push them back down.

Christians having sex outside of marriage has become almost expected. I saw it consistently when I was doing online dating- the “christian” box checked, along with the “as long as marriage is imminent, sex is okay,” “in the context of a loving relationship, sex is okay,” or “I accept sex as a natural part of dating” answer given. And it’s something we don’t talk about. It’s something we avoid. We can go down the whole rabbit trail of everyone sins or no one is perfect, but this is a continuous choice with no heart of conviction or repentance seen. It’s simply not logical to group this sin with others. This is a consistent, ongoing sin, justified or ignored in the Christian community.

We now have statements like “I didn’t know you were that type of Christian” or “the Bible is outdated” and “God cares more about your heart” or “I believe in God but I’m not that religious” in an attempt to justify decisions we want to make, as to almost try and take advantage of our loving Father. Funny how we sometimes can talk about how much God loves us but forget to show God how much we love Him…

It’s like we want a convenient god. One there when we want him for his perceived benefits, without having to follow his way. One we can push to the side, as we slip into bed. A god we can mold into our own image. So we cover ourselves in feel good paraphernalia:

Cross symbol
Fish symbol
G >∧∨

We have these cute sayings and symbols on jewelry, tattoos, cars, offices- everywhere but our hearts. Do we understand what they were designed to mean? Are we living them out in our daily lives? Do we really believe what we say we believe?

God is greater than my desires.
I will put Him before myself.
I will remember what He did for me, and choose to use my life to make Him known.
I have a faith in who He is that brings a hope for what is to come.
Faith that He knows what He is doing when He gives us rules.
Hope that His ways are far better than ours.
And that we’ll choose to trust even when it doesn’t make sense, even when it doesn’t feel good.
That He, above everything else, is truly greater than the highs and lows.

The way He loves us and relentlessly desires what’s best for us amazes me. And honestly, the more I realize His love for me, the easier it becomes to follow His ways. It’s become easier to wait for marriage because I know He wouldn’t withhold anything good from me. I just pray and hope you know that type of love. That you realize how much He cares for you and desires nothing short of the best possible plans for you to be so holy and full of so much joy.

I think, at the end of the day, it comes down to not really believing what we say we believe. Because if we truly believe in God and truly love Him as we say, wouldn’t we want to follow Him? Less to do with sexual desires, more to do with our faith levels? Because it’s not our legalistic rule following God is after, it’s our heart full of trust in Him He desires. So I pray you search your heart. I pray you have the courage to cut off whatever sin is still lingering out there and choose to trust that His way is in fact, truly so much better.


2 thoughts on “To the Christian having sex outside of marriage

  1. First of all, let me say I’m not a faux Christian…..I’m the guy really knows how deeply he needs Christ everyday because even when he forgets, he has a wife to remind him just how jacked up he really is. A dead clock is right twice a day and that’s twice more than I am. I’m no better than anyone else, I have my own issues. PERIOD.

    I agree with the general premise you’re exploring here. However, I would take this in a slightly different direction. Since you’re passing judgement on this gal for her faux christianity, I’m asking you to pass a little judgement on yourself. I think you should be looking at a bigger picture in the mirror a bit. The fact that you allow yourself to watch trash like this makes it look like you’re talking out of both sides of your mouth and it diminishes your testimony. You and I both know the vast majority of what is on prime time network TV is not wholesome for the Christian mindset. Think about it…..a virgin guy is on a TV show competing against other men for the “love” of a woman NONE of them actually know…….that’s how cheap marriage is to them AND her. BOTH of their testimonies are diminished by their actions. THIS IS WHAT MARRIAGE HAS BECOME. In general, marriage is cheap. As much as I hate to say it, it’s absolutely true…..the gays had 1 thing right in their struggle to be allowed to marry…..even in church circles, the divorce rates rival the secular parts of society. There is no reverence for marriage ANYWHERE anymore and watching trash like this just cheapens it that much more. But it goes even deeper than that. Have you ever asked God about your level of deception? The same women in church circles that loathe their husbands/boyfriends over porn problems they may have once had (or may still be dealing with) were the first women in line at the book store to buy their copy of “50 Shades of Grey”. Women in the church allow themselves to be deceived into thinking that they are somehow immune from these sexual fantasy problems that men have which in turn, makes them believe they are BETTER than men…….somehow they’ve convinced themselves they are more righteous than men. Satan LOVES this crap. The more he can convince you that what you’re doing is ok, the bigger the highway he has to drive his truckload of lies into your life. This is how feminism has become a rampant issue in the Body of Christ today. If you’re a man and you try to talk to a woman about this issue, you will be called a “cuck”… will be told “you’re just afraid of strong women”….and many other demeaning things because. Women have decided they want all of the authority and none of the responsibility. In the Kingdom of God, it doesn’t work that way. Each of us is responsible to work out our own salvation.

    I would ask you to consider cutting the cord. Consider the cost to your testimony. Instead of watching garbage like this, get a PureFlix account. At very least, begin to look at christian-based reviews of programs before you decide whether it’s ok to watch them or not. We do it in our own home. It’s never fool-proof but God honors our efforts for honoring Him. What has been seen cannot be unseen.


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