The good guys scare me

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This is going to be difficult to write. As I look back at the guys of my past, it was the bad guys I engaged and the good ones I pushed away. You scared me. Because I wasn’t ready. I needed to be single. I needed to grow. I needed to establish who I was in Christ and fall in love with my One True Love first.

You scared me. In some ways you still scare me. Am I ready to be loved? Am I ready to commit? You see, it’s easy with the bad guys, the ones I know aren’t really right for me. Though I truly fall for them and care for them, I know deep down it’ll never work so it’s safe. It’ll be easier to walk away because I know the pain is only temporary.

But you. You are decent. You are kind. You make me feel special. You listen to me and you remember things about me. My imperfections you love. My ugly is cute. Because you see through me and you love me for me.

You make me feel loved, needed, wanted, secure. You’re consistent and reliable which are two of the qualities I admire most. You don’t play games and you make it clear through your actions I am what you want.

But that’s not fun. Not exciting enough. I want a challenge. I want to make the bad boy good. It’s all about me. You see, these were the qualities that made me not worthy of you. Yet, you still pursued me. What love.

It’s so scary. You have so many good qualities but. But what if I haven’t discovered the bad ones yet and it’s too late when I do? But what if you really are perfect and I didn’t fully enjoy being single like I should have because I was so worried about you?

You nice guys keep being nice. Because the problem has never been you. The problem was me. And I’m just scared. Scared I might actually like you.

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photo credit: . Alone . via photopin (license)

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9 thoughts on “The good guys scare me

  1. So true. In my case I played it safe and went for the nice guys. I can see why some go for the bad boys or bad girls, because then you sort of know what to expect, and the challenge may be thrilling even. Whenever I met a guy, if I sensed his moral standards were slightly out of line with certain standards I hold dear, I fled from him. He was a turn-off because I had problems of my own and the last thing I wanted was to deal with someone else’s issues. It seemed like it would be a torment to tolerate a guy that gave me the slightest impression that he might be condescending, selfish, unfaithful, violent, sexist, a drunkard, gambler, druggy, etc. Plus I already had experiences like these from people of these faults that made me feel of little value. So by the time could date, it was only nice guys for me. Playing it safe has a torment of its own too though, particularly for me because I hadn’t gotten my issues straightened out. Also, there is no such thing as a “perfect nice guy”. So when one finds out that the knight-in-shining armor isn’t so shiny, it hurts! Big time! You feel betrayed. At least with the bad guy I would see it coming. In my experience of dating and marrying the “nice guy”, I have found myself second guessing my judgement in picking the guy I picked. It creeps into my head that he must be too good to be true, and that there MUST be something wrong with him that he is hiding, unlike the bad boy that puts himself out there. This thought process has to do with my own self doubt and insecurities in thinking I am unlovable and unworthy. When I let my mind go down this route, before I know it I am looking for the bad and not seeing the good. Then when I find a bunch of little bad things, I play them up in my mind and make them a big deal, whether or not they are a big deal. And most things are not a big deal. However, I did find out something about my husband before I married him that I had a huge issue with, which almost broke us. It sort of did; I moved away for a while and eventually dumped him only to run back to him because I was nuts about him and found a way to stick with him despite how this one issue drove me nuts. It’s truly tormenting either way, whether I am with a bad guy or good guy because I need to be right in my heart. In working on myself and my insecurities, I have been formulating the conclusion lately that I am better off trusting that my husband is who he shows himself to be…and really he is more than just words, he demonstrates love and truth regularly, though he isn’t perfect and PO’s me from time to time. Likewise, I’m coming to accept his flaws, a couple of which I find near intolerable, but they aren’t the worst. Best of all, he works on them. The reality is he isn’t perfect. No one is. Not even myself, and I realize it isn’t fair to expect that of him when he is generally accepting and loving toward me despite my flaws. For so long I had wanted him to be perfect, so that the perfect image I had of him could stay unblemished, but I have been learning to accept his imperfections and even embrace them…in knowing and accepting that even he isn’t perfect; it’s comforting to know that I am not alone. I suspect my strong desire for him to be perfect is because I felt imperfect. Instead of looking at myself as simply human, and absolutely still lovable, that is surely how God sees us, I was seeing myself in a condemning, rejecting way. Now I find that it’s easier to love and accept myself as I strive to love and accept him and other people; or vice versa, as I strive to love and accept myself, it’s easier to love and accept him and others. So I have chosen to put aside my worries as to whether or not my husband is hiding a most hurtful secret, because it hasn’t done any good to worry about something without hard evidence. It’s better to trust that he is who he has shown himself to be and if he is not, then that’s between him and Him. God will make it right if it isn’t right. For now, I will dare to be happy.

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    • Aww thanks for sharing and being so transparent! It’s for sure a work in progress. I think one of the big issues you touched on is being okay with yourself. I think far too many people enter into relationships thinking the other person will complete them rather than complement them. You have to be complete in who God created you to be, otherwise you start placing unrealistic expectations on your partner, expecting them to fill voids only God can complete.

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  2. Thanks for giving your point of view. I’ve allowed myself to become bitter way too often about being skipped over for jerks. I regrettably know from experience that being a jerk attracts many more women, but it’s just not me. I’ve never even considered it from the other point of view though, even for a second.

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