Your words left scars I didn’t know existed

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I went to get my nails done the other day. Per usual, I was eavesdropping. I’m just curious, not nosy… Most of the time:p Anyway, here is the conversation I overheard between a stylist and a client:

Client: Wow, you look nice today.
Stylist: Aww thanks, I’m glad someone thinks so… I came down the stairs today and my husband was like “I hate it when you wear those long dresses.”
Client: Oh, wow.
Stylist: Yea, he isn’t the best with word choices sometimes… I want to get a boob job so I’ve been looking at pictures. I showed him some before and after pics of other jobs and how great they were. He said, “Yea, yours used to look like that.”

My eyes got bugged like one of my favorite emojis as I mouthed to the lady doing my nails that I would never be with someone like that. But then it hit me. I was with someone like that before. And I thought it was okay. I made excuses because I didn’t know any better. It’s funny how we are so quick to judge from the outside looking in, but when it’s your life on the line, we justify certain actions. Certain words.

I was never good enough for Jake and something was always wrong with the way I did things. “Why do you open your mouth in pictures?” “Can’t you smile normally?” “Your bangs make you look like you’re 12.” I could go on but I won’t. I don’t think I really understood the effects back then because there were compliments to balance it out. But it did affect me. I changed my smile in pictures. I grew my bangs out. I subconsciously tried to become “good enough.” I wanted to feel accepted, valued, worthy. I knew I was pretty so I thought I would just need to tweak some things. But it never got better. And we eventually fell apart.

I thought I had healed from it until recently. Derek and I were out shopping and he asked me if I always had bangs. The thoughts in my head within those split seconds went crazy. “He thinks my bangs are ugly.” “He wants me to get rid of them.” “He thinks I’m ugly.” “He’s too good looking for me.” Whoaaa. Calm down, Sarah. All those comments from Jake flooded back. When I paused for a second, Derek told me he loved my bangs and thought I looked great with them. Wow.

I learned a few things:

Be careful who you are around and don’t allow any negativity to take root in your heart.

Be who you are and do what you like. If someone doesn’t like you for it, they didn’t like you anyway. If someone really likes you, it won’t matter.

Don’t make excuses for people. I put up with it because I didn’t know better. Never again. Wait for someone that will appreciate everything about you.

Watch your own words.

 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Proverbs 18:21

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He makes me smile. A lot.

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People like to make fun of me for only liking guys who are a million miles away. What? It’s good for my busy schedule. However, this new nervous guy, Derek, lives close which means I’ve been seeing him a lot. You can read my last post to see how he makes me feel but I wanted to give you all more specifics on how things have been. We’ve gone out a total of 14 times now and each time seems to fly by so fast. I love being around him and want to be with him as much as possible. I know, I know- gag me. He’s so fascinating and each meeting makes me want to get to know him more. The way he talks is different. The way he treats me is different. I promised to give some 411 on some of our dates so here we go.

We’ve done a lot in our short amount of time together. Food. Games. Families. Church. Movies. Shopping. I don’t know about you all, but have you ever had that feeling when you are around someone all day and it seems like it was just 30 minutes or so? Yea, I seem to get that all the time with Derek. I keep thinking if I spend more time with him that problem would be solved but it seems to have the opposite effect. Every outing, every encounter always leaves me wanting more. What I like most about the activities we do is the fact that it’s stuff that allows us to see if we can actually have fun together. If we actually like each other. It’s not about our physical attraction toward one another. He has been so respectful and has the same views as me so it’s been great just being able to enjoy him.

One of the first times we hung out was when we went to his friend’s house who lives on the water. The parking situation was a little confusing and in an attempt to help me be able to park better, Derek rolled straight into a ditch. Haha. Yeaaa, that was a fun night. Another time we met to play putt putt after I got off work and he forgot his wallet in his truck. We went back to get it and then played. I won of course;) Well, when we were leaving, we realized he locked his keys in his truck when we went back for the wallet. Boy did we have a fun time trying to get them out but we did! We make a pretty good team.

He is so genuinely kind. It’s hard for me to even put into words. He is competitive but it doesn’t bother him at all if he loses. He always pays. Always wants to do whatever he thinks I’ll like best. Always wants to be with me. Always compliments me on something deeper. And is always himself. His honesty and openness make me like him more. He is secure in himself and passionate. He is so patient with me and he always desires to learn and grow more. Obviously I can go on and on about the things I love about him. One of my favorite things still is the way he values me. I never really understood the impact feeling valued could have on someone until meeting Derek. I’ve always felt I had to look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain way to maintain a relationship. But Derek makes me feel like he cares about me. Like the real me. My soul. I’m comfortable being myself around him. And that means a whole lot.

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This one guy is really making me nervous

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Wow this is sooo new to me and I don’t even know how to navigate these unchartered territories. I met this guy a few weeks back and for someone who is always confident and on their A game, I have completely crumbled inside. I think I’m doing okay and holding my own outwardly but boy, I don’t think he has any idea how nervous he makes me feel. My saving grace is that he is just as nervous, yet he isn’t so good at hiding it:p Let me explain…

I will give him props for getting my number and initiating our first date. In that area, he is absolutely fantastic. Well mannered, polite, and I think what gets me most flustered (besides his good looks;), is that he values things about me that no one has valued before. It’s different and I like it. I think there is something comforting about someone valuing you in areas that truly make you who you are- your heart, your love, your compassion, your courage. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be called beautiful and I’m glad people appreciate my jokes. But those are silly things when you really think about it. Who I am in so much deeper. And having someone actually recognize things about me that I didn’t think people noticed, well it’s a feeling I’ve never had before.

I’m concerned because I don’t want my emotions to get the best of me before I actually get to know him, ya know? But I am really enjoying our time together. We have great, awkward chemistry, which makes our talks together absolutely unique. Half the time I don’t think we realize what we just said. I’ve stuttered. My comments have made no sense whatsoever. And we will do absolutely anything and it’s fun just because we enjoy being around each other. It’s weird, we were raised similar yet different. Very different pasts- which make both of us intriguing to one another. I told him I was going to have a start writing down things he says because the words he chooses sometimes are extremely comical.

I’m not sure where this is going but I do know two things. One, I’m guarding my heart. And two, I’m loving without fear. Some people may think that’s an oxymoron but it’s not. Praying for God to give me guidance and direction because I’m truly lost without Him. I know He’ll show me just like He always does.

I’ll have to tell you more about our dates (very entertaining) and his character next time! Off to make more memories!

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