This is what Regina said to me at work today. It’s still hard to wrap my brain around, so fresh, so new, and I’m still hurting. I’m crying as I type this; I never used to cry when I was younger, but I guess that is what God does to you. He shakes your entire being; He shows what it means to truly love, to truly feel. I couldn’t get past the conversation I had with Tom last Thursday night. Through discussing charity drives and stem cell research, to who should die when giving childbirth if you had to choose- the mom or the child. Tom said the mom. Matter of fact, without missing a beat. Of course he would. He has everything calculated, logically planned according to his brain, and influenced by many “smart good christians.” Something in my spirit didn’t feel right when I read those words he typed to me. “Emotionally save the wife, spiritually save the child.” What does that even mean? I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because honestly I didn’t know. The area is so gray and I would have to hear from God. I would probably choose the kid, but does that mean my husband should choose to let me die, as well? Something just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t so much him wanting to save the kid as it was the lack of feelings, emotions, and love I read in his robotic responses. He apologized for bringing up something so deep a month into our relationship but did say it was something I need to think about. Thanks, Tom.
I chose to move on and acted normal the next day; it was his birthday. We had a good time and a good Bible study. I sometimes wonder if we are on the same page or not. Our conversation about him choosing to kill me over the kid (he doesn’t like that wording but that is really what it is whether you want to be technical about it or not) weighed on me all weekend as I went to see my dad. Of course I talked about how great Tom was and all of his good qualities. Many of his actions I still do respect; his heart is another story. Tom and I didn’t talk about it any further. Yesterday (Monday) at work was awful. All I could think about was our conversation. How can I continue to joke, engage, and love (I didn’t use this word with Tom, but it is so easy for me to love and I know I loved him) someone and still think you may want to marry them when you don’t know if they are capable of loving? This is the greatest commandment and yet his love for his wife wasn’t mentioned once. I don’t get it.
So I had to say something. I always say something sooner or later. We went back and forth on messaging for hours. I know in person might have been better but I couldn’t wait. I also like to think about what he said and think about what I want to say. I never like to say anything in haste or full of fleshly emotions. I need time. Time to digest. Time to hear God. The conversation was not good. He was so set that he could not see nor understand where I was coming from. I felt as though he thought I was a horrible person because “what kind of person would kill their child?” and went as far to basically say I believe in late-term abortion. He accused me of being set in my ways just as much or more but my ways were I don’t know, it’s gray, and I would have to hear God. I don’t see what is wrong with that? He believes it is black and white and just the same as killing an innocent child out on the street. What?! I felt like I was talking to a wall. It was so draining. I’m scared. I don’t think this is something we can work through. You can’t make someone love. I’ve never really been in a situation like this. Someone so perfect yet so absent of feelings. Granted, I hope to never be in this situation but it showed me a lot about his character. As consistent and high as his morals and values are, without love, you are nothing. Dating allows you to see whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with that person and it also affords you the freedom to break it off if not.