I want a guy who is willing to fight for me but will never have to

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I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Trying to work through my feelings and I think I finally have. I’ve always wanted a guy who was willing to fight for me and up until recently I wanted a guy who WOULD actually fight for me… until I started to think about what the implications of that would mean and questioning my own views on fighting for someone.

I’ve been real conflicted about this because I want a guy to fight for me but at the same time, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who didn’t want to be with me. So why would I fight for him? Is that fair for me to expect a guy to fight for me if I’m not willing to do the same? Does that make sense? I’ve never said it out loud but I’ve thought numerous times as I’ve seen my relationships with guys fall a part. Why won’t you fight for me? If you really wanted me, thought I was valuable, you’d fight. But you never did. And as I look back now, I’m glad those guys never fought for me because that would not have solved our issues of why we were ending things in the first place. Of course we want to feel loved and it would have felt great for the time being but it wouldn’t have lasted. Maybe I’m wrong but if one person is already pulling away doesn’t that mean there is something about the relationship they don’t like? I know there has to be exceptions to this as I have seen men pursue and fight for women and are now in loving relationships. I don’t think I’ve seen any relationships where the woman fought for the man. Well actually I have- but if I’m honest they tend to be jealous of other women and don’t have the highest respect for their husband. Can you really feel loved knowing that at some point your husband didn’t want you? I don’t know.

I do think there is a difference between men and women’s roles. All throughout the Bible we see references of men pursuing women. Shoot, Jacob worked 14 years for Rachel! Talk about perseverance. And the women made themselves available. Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” Men are the leaders throughout the Bible and I don’t think it would change for the sake of pursuing a woman. I believe that is still the man’s role. I think it’s a lot more important for women to feel loved (pursued, fought for) because it’s the one commandment Christ calls the husbands to do- love your wives. And wives submit to your husbands. When a woman feels loved, it’s so easy to submit. But when she doesn’t, it’s one of the hardest things in the world. Men desire respect. Women desire love.

Would I love for my guy to fight for me? Absolutely. But what I want more is for him to never question my love for him. To never feel that I’m not all in. To never feel that I’ve given up. So yes, I want a guy who is willing to fight for me, but I hope he never has to.

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photo credit: Cute exotic couple happily enjoying via photopin (license)

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Thank you for making me a part of your life but you never became a part of mine

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Do you ever wonder why things never worked out with us? We looked so perfect on the outside but on the inside? Not so much. I’m really not sure how to write this. I feel as though I should feel grateful but I don’t. I always hear how it’s such a huge deal in women’s lives when the guy they are seeing wants you to “meet the parents” as if it symbolizes something special, the next step, or that he ‘like likes’ you. When you meet the family, that’s saying something. At least most of the time. But it’s what I’m used to so maybe I don’t see it as all that big of a deal. I do but I don’t. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy where I haven’t met the parents. Shoot, some first dates I met the whole family!

I guess you could say I’ve been fortunate to date guys who have been so quick to welcome me in. I think it has something to do with being a virgin. A lot to do with my faith, morals, and values. And some to do with my crazy personality. When you live your life the way I do- you’re the one they always want to take home to meet the parents because you’re that “good girl.” It doesn’t mean you’re in love though.

You loved me (to an extent- I’ll get back to this later) and were quick to make me a part of your life. I liked it. It made me feel special and valuable. It made me feel you wanted me around and you wanted us to work. I always supported you, was quick to become part of your family, and loved meeting the people that mattered most to you. But something was always wrong and I think I’m finally starting to see what it was.

While you’d been quick to show me off and make me a part of your family, you never wanted to be a part of mine. Can we really call that love? It’s hidden behind “I just wanted to make you feel welcome” and “You mean so much to me that I want you to know everything about me” when in actuality it’s “This is what I’m doing so you either come aboard or not.” What happened to the ‘we’? We become one; I don’t become yours. Did you see this? Did you stop to think how I felt? What you were indirectly asking me to leave- to give up? This can’t be what a healthy relationship is all about. I’ve seen better. And I’ll wait for better.

Maybe I’m to blame for part of it. I still see meeting the family as a huge deal. I don’t want any attachments being formed only for us to realize we aren’t right for each other. No sense in hurting more people than we have to. Or maybe I just don’t want you to meet my parents because I already know they’ll say you aren’t good enough for me. Maybe you aren’t. You aren’t if you don’t want to be a part of my life. If you don’t make an effort to break through. Because the truth is you really didn’t love me as much as you thought you did. You didn’t really want it that bad. I was just a good catch that you could bring home to mom.

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photo credit: 163 via photopin (license)

My biggest influences on my no-sex-before-marriage stance: twenties

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My last blog post focused on what influenced me during my teen years to remain abstinent but I think we can all agree that it can get somewhat more difficult to keep that same commitment during your 20’s. It’s interesting how expectations and norms seem to change. I think in your teens you get made fun of for being a virgin but at the same time, it’s understandable. When I hit my 20’s especially the later years, the conversation shifts from “have you had sex before?” to just assuming you have. So whenever it gets brought up in conversation that I haven’t, it’s a little awkward. But that’s okay because that’s my whole goal. Okay not to make things awkward lol but to change the stereotypes a little, if not a lot. And that’s why I’ve been so grateful for the invaluable resources I have found along my journey to both strengthen and encourage me. I get messages from people letting me know they are waiting too and it just makes my heart so happy. We don’t have to do things the same way as society- there is another way.

The resources that stick out the most to me are two pastors and their sermon series and two books.

The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating- Andy Stanley

I will more than likely do a four part series on Andy’s messages but you still need to watch/listen to them! I listen to them about every six months. I’m surprised I don’t have them memorized at this point. The four messages include:

The Right Person Myth • Gentleman’s Club • Designer Sex • If I Were You

What stuck out to me most throughout this series was the bluntness and the reality that many people don’t face. You will not die if you don’t have sex. The way we sabotage our own relationships by listening to the devil’s temptations that make absolute no sense. It’s even comical at times. I think my favorite piece that touched me the most was a story about a young girl he had shared. This girl was raised Christian but she wanted to live in the world a little, experience it- sow her wild oats, so to speak. And she did. She was used and abused, going from one guy to the next to fill her void and in an attempt to find love. One night she was at a party and starting talking to this nice guy. He was successful, good looking, sweet- and it was apparent he was a solid Christian with strong convictions. She was so excited about this guy. She went home to tell her mom and went on and on about this guy, listing all of his good qualities and traits. The mom was excited but she was also a realist and she told her daughter that it was fantastic but that the problem was a guy like that isn’t looking for a girl like you. Wow. In that moment she just broke and realized the way she had been living. She decided to take a year off from dating and really focus on who she was and what she wanted in life. One of my favorite quotes from his series that I am always thinking about and constantly telling people is

Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?

Go ahead and read it again- it took me a few times before I really understood the magnitude of it. Anyway, it’s an amazing series and I encourage you to watch it.

Sex & Dating- Ben Stuart

I did a two part series on this and you can read it here: Part One: What to look for when you are looking for marriage & Part Two: How do you date

All in all, Ben is a great pastor at Texas A&M and has a great gift for ministering to college students. Even though I’m a tad bit older now;) I still listen to him. I linked up where you can find his podcasts. Unfortunately I don’t think the ones I listened to are available anymore. My notes pretty much cover it though;-)

When God Writes Your Love Story

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Okay so I must confess something here. I have always hated to read, always. As I have matured (hehe) I have tried to love it. But certain books make me forget how much I hate to read. I actually don’t want to put them down and this was one of those books. It’s about a husband and wife who share candidly about what it’s like to be a Christian waiting for the right one God has for you. I could have sworn that by the end of the book I was BFFs with the authors. The overall theme was about how God is the author of romance and how He desires to pour out that love to you and how when you surrender control to Him, He blesses you in more ways than you could have even imagined. Here’s just one of my many underlined quotes on seeking a spouse from the book:

“…This doesn’t mean you remain passive in the process. But your role is not to frantically search for a spouse and then ask God to bless your selfishly motivated decisions. Rather, your role is to pray, to trust, to build your life around Him, to listen to His still, small voice of guidance… and let Him take care of the rest. If you desire a beautiful God-written love story, your time will be far better spent cultivating your relationship with Christ than searching the Internet or the local coffee shops for good-looking potentials… God gives His best to those who leave the choice to Him.”

Made to Crave

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The reason I love this book so much is because it puts things in perspective for me. It really got to the root of our issues and addressed those “cravings.” Once again I underlined sooo much in this book and I laughed at some of the things I write in my books. If you couldn’t tell by now, I generally say exactly how I feel. Proof:

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I learned SO MUCH in this book and I honestly think anyone could get so much truth out of it. Here is one of my favorite quotes from this wonderful book:

“Our feelings follow our actions so much, in fact, that our actions become one of the primary tools we have at our disposal as we try to turn our cravings toward God and away from counterfeits. If you really truly want to honor God and change what you are craving, you must first change what you are doing… The cravings we feed will grow bigger and stronger, and have more hold on us. But the cravings we starve will wither, weaken, and eventually die. To the degree we “feed” God’s way of filling our God-shaped hole, we’ll find that way so much more compelling. And to the degree we “starve” all the old, unhealthy ways of filling that hole, we’ll find they are much weaker, and have much less power and temptation over us.”

Whoa. Can we just think about that for a second? That statement is so true. I just pray we all muster up enough courage and strength to say no to what we know is not good for us.

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