To the girl who regrets waiting until marriage for sex

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There is an article going around about a woman who waited until her wedding night to lose her virginity and how she wished didn’t. If you are interested in reading it, it can be found here. One of my friends sent it to me and as I was thinking about my thoughts regarding it, I decided to make them into a blog post as a means to hopefully clarify what I believe went wrong.

I first want to start off by saying her sex life sounded awful. It breaks my heart and is certainly not how God intended it. Sex is a great thing. God created it and it is talked about and encouraged in the Bible several times. To me, it represents a whole new level of intimacy that I hope to share with the man I love as I get to be vulnerable and allow him to love me on a deeper level as well. I look forward to this day. It is beautiful and wonderful… IF you have a proper understanding of why God designed sex and if shared with the right person. And therein lies the problem. Her problems started before her wedding. Her problems began before she even met her husband. They started when she was a kid.

  1. Samantha stated that she decided to save herself for marriage because she believed that true love waits. Why? What does that even mean? How is it true love if you wait and not if you don’t? My feeling is that she didn’t know the answers to these questions. There are so many benefits to waiting until marriage to have sex and there are no cons if you truly marry the one God has for you. It is so easy to bring additional problems into the marriage and then blame God’s rules for them. One of my favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, once said there are no such things as marriage problems, just single people problems that get brought into the marriage and I couldn’t agree more. If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that God wants what is best for us more than anyone in this world could ever want. He would not withhold anything good from us. And just because we may not understand exactly why at the time, if we have a true relationship with Jesus, He will show us why. Sometimes I’m okay with just trusting God because I know He loves me, other times I ask Him to show me things and I actually put some effort into finding the answers and He does show me.
  2. 10 years old. She made a big deal about how she was too young to make the pledge at that age. I don’t think this is too young given our culture today. Maybe it was too young for her though and the proper age may be different given your specific environment. I doubt this had much effect, however.
  3. What her church taught was a lie. What scriptures did they use? Sex is for married people and it is sinful and dirty outside of marriage. You should want to remain pure for your husband, but because you love him not just because you don’t want to go to hell. I’m sorry but if you do or don’t do anything because you don’t want to go to hell, that is really selfish and not about love at all. And God’s number one commandment is love. There was no love in her church or interpretation of it. And just to be clear, the responsibility to remain pure is the same for both women and men. I have nooo idea where her church got the idea that men weren’t held to the same standard. This sounds more like a legalistic cult rather than a loving church.
  4. Your virginity should never be your identity but an action that follows as a result of who you are and what your identity really is in Christ. Samantha noted that it did become her identity and that was another problem. No wonder she couldn’t enjoy sex. If you lose what you are dependent on for your identity of course nothing good is going to come as a result. My life would be over if I lost Christ. He defines me. I would be lost without Him. But it’s Him that defines me, never my virginity.
  5. Why the heck would she feel dirty, wrong, or sinful having sex with her husband?! It sounds like she was taught that sex in general was bad and it’s not. It’s great. And it’s best when shared with the person you decided to spend the rest of your life with and make that commitment. You should only ever feel that way if you give away part of yourself to the wrong person. I can’t wait to have sex and it will be enjoyable (after the initial pain;) with the right person- awful with the wrong one because you do give away a part of yourself and it’s extremely scary if it’s not the right person. It also sounds like she didn’t trust her husband enough to be open with him during this. I would never marry someone I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to about these things. There were definitely some communication issues. This would not have been solved by having sex a bunch prior to marriage. I will say sometimes people rush marriage because they are waiting until marriage for sex, as well. This is never good either. I don’t know what their motive for getting married was, but sometimes lust is the main reason. That will never end well if that’s the case.
  6. She had religion but not a relationship. Her view of God was so incredibly wrong. I cannot stress this enough- you do not remain pure because you don’t want to go to hell or want God to bless your marriage! These were her reasons mentioned. You do it because you love God and you love your future spouse. Am I the only one that sees this? I don’t do nice things because I don’t want to be treated badly by people; I do them because I love and care about people. When you truly move from following a set of rules and guidelines and start developing a loving relationship with Christ, your whole life changes and that’s why they call it being born again.

This article truly broke my heart because she was not able to fully enjoy sex, or make love as I prefer to call it, because she was never really shown what Christ’s love was all about. Please don’t forget that just because someone goes to church or says they are a Christian doesn’t mean they really are. It goes much deeper than that. I truly hope she realizes one day that her problem wasn’t the fact that she didn’t sleep around before marriage, but that she never had a proper relationship with Christ of knowing how much He truly loves her.

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photo credit: Georgie Pauwels via photopin cc

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