Monthly Archives: October 2014

The truth behind why women want BIG proposals and BIG rings

Posted on by

medium_4429760357

We are not all gold diggers. I thought it would be appropriate to start with that because that is typically the first judgement that is passed on to any girl desiring the two. I would also preface this post with the fact that not all women desire big proposals, rings, and/or weddings either. My goal here is to not really talk about the material aspects but more the underlying thoughts about why women do desire these things. And what most women want deep down.

I asked my friends on Facebook what they thought about women who desire big proposals and big rings and the responses were in line with what I had expected. People automatically assume the worse. Men believe if that is all the woman cares about, he doesn’t want her. Women feel that it shouldn’t matter. And I agree it shouldn’t matter but it does. And hopefully I’ll be able to shed some light as to why it does.

Call me old fashioned but I still believe in the man proposing and providing the ring. I don’t get the whole women proposing to men thing. It’s weird. But I also believe in mutual love and this may mean the guy and the girl love and show love in different ways sometimes. There is nothing wrong with this.

I will confess that I do desire a big ring and a big proposal but not because I’m a diamond snob or want to post my proposal to youtube. Okay, maybe I do want it on youtube. But seriously, I desire these because to me it can, can being the key word, show how much a guy values me. Just another way to express his love. Certainly not the only way but that is what excites me about it. Do you remember the widow’s offering in the Bible?

And he sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And he called his disciples to him and said to them, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.” Mark 12:41-44 (ESV)

Big ring is relative. What matters here is how much value the guy places on the woman. What is she worth? We see the widow in the above scripture give two small copper coins and Jesus said she put in more than all those who were contributing. Why? Because she gave all she had- she didn’t count the costs. That is what women really are seeking. A $5,000 ring will mean more to a girl who’s guy had to work a year to save up for it but desired nothing but the best for his girl because she is worth it to him. Alternatively, it probably won’t mean as much to the girl who knows the guy makes that in a month, easily. There are always exceptions here but please don’t miss the point I am trying to make. Ladies, you should feel loved and valued by your man, and that the ring and proposal will just be an extension of what you already know about his love for you. Men, you should know your woman doesn’t love you for your money but you think they deserve the moon because of how much you love them. You truly desire to give them the best ring and proposal because of your love for them. If these feelings aren’t already in place before the proposal, you might need to address them.

You say she’s materialistic, shouldn’t these things not matter? Shouldn’t it be about love? And I would argue that it still is. You see dollar signs, I see hearts. Love can be hard to identify and hard to measure. With so many articles and books on how to love your partner with quick tips and how-to’s, it can be easy to get by with your actions appearing good, while love is a foreign language to your heart. Guys, desiring love is not materialistic and if you don’t desire to give her the best out of fear she is just a gold digger, something is already wrong.

For most guys, money is their hugest resource. They value money more than most things, if not more than anything. So for a guy to spend a significant amount of money on a ring is huge! This equates to him sacrificing, him working extra hours, him going without. And the best part is when the guy doesn’t even view it as a sacrifice because he loves his girl so much that he desires nothing more than to make her feel just a little glimpse of his love for her. So for us ladies, this is what makes a big ring so valuable to us. With the exception of movie stars and pure geniuses, the majority of us are middle-class people, trying to make it work with what we have, money wise. If I was writing to the rich- this article would be completely different; money is like toilet paper to the rich. Why is it that so many rich wives leave their husbands or have affairs even though they have the biggest everything? It’s not because we all just desire material items; we want love.

When I say big proposal, I’m not necessarily meaning big and flashy; I mean big and memorable- for her! This is another opportunity for guys to show how much they love the one they wish to spend the rest of their life with. This requires another valuable resource to men- time. This will be one of the biggest days in a girl’s life, one that she will always remember. This may consist of big funds, big thoughts, big memories- whatever it takes to make this day as special as possible for her. If a guy puts little thought and little money into it, maybe his love for her is little, as well.

And here’s a tip to the guys- when you genuinely love the girl, this all comes rather easy. We aren’t all difficult as it may seem. But if you don’t love us, be prepared for us to push and pull to figure out if you can or ever will love us. When you have two people that love each other, it tends to balance out quite nicely. If not, watch out!

So who’s ready to go to Tiffany’s?;-)

photo credit: …love Maegan via photopin cc

6 reasons why watching ‘The Best of Me’ is the worst thing for you

Posted on by

medium_3440590766

So this past weekend I went to see The Best of Me in theaters, opening night. I have always loved Nicholas Sparks’ movies and look forward to the new ones when they come out. However, I think there is a combination between movie morals declining and my spiritual maturity rising happening today. I felt like this movie was a cheapened version of The Notebook. There were so many similarities I noticed, yet different circumstances. Do not continue reading if you plan to watch the film and don’t want any spoilers. Read afterwards:)

For those who don’t plan to see it or want a brief overview before I get into my reasons, the following will be a quick summary. Dawson, the main male character, grew up in a rough environment where his dad beat him. He meets Amanda while in high school. Amanda is a pretty, popular, rich girl who becomes interested in Dawson. Of course, Dawson does not think he is good enough for her. Dawson ends up leaving his dad’s house, while an older gentleman (widow) named Tuck takes him and treats him like his own son. Through a series of events, Dawson and Amanda end up dating. On the day of prom, Dawson’s dad goes to Tuck’s house and beats him up. When Dawson realizes this, he goes over to his dad’s with a shotgun in order to scare his dad; Dawson was clearly upset by what his dad did to Tuck. During this time, Dawson’s best friend, Bobby, ends up getting shot on accident and dying. Dawson is sentenced to jail for 8 years and would not let Amanda see him because he did not want to interfere with her plans she had. She tried for a year to see him before giving up. She ended up going off to college, getting pregnant, marrying the father and staying married for 20 years to him. Tuck’s death is what brings Dawson and Amanda together and their love is rekindled, 20 or 21 years later- Dawson says 21 years, Amanda says 20 so who knows who is right lol. That’s not the whole story but it will suffice. Most love stories go the same and ignite something in us, at least with us girls- desires to be loved, adored, wanted, and needed. I do think love like this exists, it just fails to show all of the hurt and heartbreak that goes along with it when bad choices are made. Well some of the heartbreak is shown.

  1. Sex outside of marriage- pt. 1: Amanda and Dawson chose to have sex outside of marriage while they were dating in high school. Sex is such a beautiful gift and while they deeply cared for each other, they should have waited until they were married. God tells us to wait for marriage for a reason; He is not trying to withhold something great from us but wanting us to hold out for something better- more intimate, more sacred, more fulfilling. Guard your heart- and your body- save it for your spouse. Your spouse deserves all of you and will appreciate it. Are they worth it? Do you trust God?
  2. Sex outside of marriage- pt. 2: Amanda and her current husband in the story end up having sex while in college, she gets pregnant, and then they get married. Once you have sex, it’s hard to stop for multiple reasons. It’s clear Amanda continued and ended up getting pregnant and married to a guy she didn’t really love. She probably made the best choice she could given her situation. But her situation wasn’t ideal. Don’t settle. She was left in an empty loveless marriage which pushed her closer to what happened later when she saw Dawson again.
  3. Sex outside of marriage- pt 3: When Amanda and Dawson reconnected after 20 years, they end up having sex again. Amanda is still married to her current husband. Yet, because we know she isn’t happy in her marriage and we know how much Dawson loves her, we are happy she is having an affair! Do you all see how damaging this is to our minds?! To our souls?! It’s heartbreaking. She missed her chance at true love 20 years ago because she ended up doing things she shouldn’t have. She settled. It’s not to judge her but there are consequences when we try to do things on our own and disobey God. God’s plans for us are so much greater and sometimes we end up having to learn this the hard way.
  4. Anger/killing- When Dawson saw how hurt Tuck was, he was full of anger. He grabs a shotgun and heads over to his dad’s house. Now there is such thing as righteous anger and it would worry me if it didn’t bother him. But we must always keep that anger in check. Who is in control? Because at that time, Dawson wasn’t and unfortunately he ended up having to deal with killing his best friend accidentally. Simply because he couldn’t control his emotions.
  5. Divorce- After having an affair with Dawson, Amanda remembers how much she loves him. She admits how miserable she is in her marriage. We are proud of her when she finally has the courage to get a divorce. Divorce is not good but there are mixed emotions here. She would have never been in this situation had she not engaged in activities she shouldn’t have. Again, life happens and we are not perfect but I just want to encourage people to make the right choices now- to save you from all of this heartbreak that happens in the world today. Potentially a lifetime of pain.
  6. Marriage lasts beyond this lifetime- When Amanda asks how long Tuck and his wife were married before she passed away, Tuck responded with “We are still married, just on different schedules.” You could not help but aww and cry over this. I do hope one day I find a man that loves me as much as that. However, we can’t let that thought control us. It is possible to have that kind of love but we will not be married in heaven. There is no danger in having that deep of love, but the danger comes when we seek that above Christ.

I am one of the hugest fans of chick flicks. However, we need to be able to discern fantasy from reality and not mix the two. We are constantly being programmed so it’s imperative that we stick to our morals and values and not fall into the trap of compromising because it seemed so right in the movies. Sounds silly when I write it but I have seen it happen over and over again. The truth is, God already started your love story when He sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for you. I pray you feel that love stronger than you ever have before and it gives you the strength you need to walk away from the world’s idea of a love story, and follow His.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: ClickFlashPhotos / Nicki Varkevisser via photopin cc

Tender Tinder Pt 3: Dan the Man

Posted on by

medium_2163654124

At this point I was pretty much done with tinder. It was dumb. I hate the site. And I never should have went on it. I had stopped swiping, stopped chatting, it just wasn’t real. One of the last people I ended up talking to was Dan. He messaged me about knowing a mutual friend. He had said we met before but I didn’t remember him. We did end up having a few mutual friends in common and that is what we talked about. He wanted to meet for a drink right away. I didn’t really acknowledge that until we talked further. I messaged our mutual friend and asked her about him. She told me about what a great guy he was and how he treated his last girlfriend like a princess. It was then I agreed to meet him:)

I hadn’t seen our mutual friend in a while so I arranged for a double date where Dan and I could meet and hang out with our mutual friend and her husband. We all decided to meet for a late afternoon lunch because our friend had plans earlier that day. Dan and I weren’t busy earlier so he asked me if I wanted to meet up beforehand. We met up at the local downtown art festival that was happening that weekend. He was cute. And he was nice. We walked around and talked while looking at some of the art. His taste in art wasn’t the best. You can learn a lot about someone while shopping. See, shopping has multiple benefits;-). We talked about a lot of deep stuff. This is not unusual for me. Having deep conversations are one of my favorite things to do. It was nice talking to him, especially since we could relate to each other with various things we had been through.

We both were very hungry so we decided to eat downtown at the art festival. Shortly after, we left to meet our friends for food, as well. We didn’t tell them we just ate; we both just laughed as we ordered again. I think this was my first time to ever go on a double date as a first date. I always appreciate new experiences and we had such a great time; though, I was probably most excited about seeing my friend that I hadn’t seen in a while. We all parted ways after lunch and Dan made a point to tell me he had a great time. He didn’t say anything about hanging out again at the time so I went a few hours dealing with insecure thoughts. [Insert tangent here: I try to fight them but it’s hard sometimes. It makes me feel weak and I don’t like being weak. But it’s something I’ve been working on the past few years. People have always mentioned how I have been intimidating but I never understood why. Not fully at least. My close friends know I’m not. It wasn’t until one of my friends mentioned about how I always seem to have it all together and so strong; I don’t, but I’ve always made it a point to not show my struggles. That was a mistake at times. People tend to put me in my own category. I’m not real. It’s easy for Sarah because it’s Sarah. I didn’t realize that was the impression I was giving off. It’s also part of the reason I started my blog. I strive for perfection but sometimes my life is really tough. God gives me so much strength and because I don’t want to sound like a whiner, I never really talked about how tough life can be at times. It’s not exactly easy being a Christian. It’s not easy making the right decisions all the time. And it’s definitely not easy being 29 and a virgin. But it is possible. And it is more than worth it.]

Dan ended up texting me later that night about how I had piqued his interest. As we continued to talk, I think we both had similar views on relationships; we’ve both been hurt and it somewhat makes us cynical or jaded. It’s something I have learned to work through as God heals my heart each time. But it’s worth it and that’s why I keep going back. Trying. Loving. It’s a fine line between guarding your heart, yet loving and being vulnerable. I think I’m still trying to figure out where that line is exactly. But the most important thing to me at the end of the day is how much I loved. And sometimes that means getting hurt and I’d say it’s worth it. Dan’s last relationship was a long one and he had thought they were going to get married. It was obvious he was still dealing with a lot of the pain.

Dan and I ended up meeting again for dinner. This is when we got pretty deep. He was going out of town the following week and wanted me to go with him. What?! Even if I had wanted to, that would not have been a good idea. I learned my lesson from the last time I did that and will more than likely do a blog post about that experience. Dan opened up a lot about his previous relationship and it became apparent he still needed to heal from that. We still wanted to talk but the restaurant was closing so he ended up driving us to the beach nearby. I think he thought it would be romantic. It made me nervous. I always hate these parts of dates and wondering if a guy is going to try to make a move or not. Then I always feel bad not letting them while trying to explain why. Awkward. Fortunately, we continued our deep conversation and HE ended up bringing up what I normally like to talk about, but in a bad way haha. “So my brother is dating this girl and he is about to propose to her and they haven’t even kissed, isn’t that crazy?!” I don’t think he was expecting my response. I think he was hoping I’d agree and it would make him more confident about making a move. I, however, told him how I thought that was an awesome idea and was able to explain more of my views. We ended up talking a lot about God. He, like many, has been burned by people in the church and has stopped going. He isn’t ready to live for God so he won’t go. He doesn’t want to be a hypocrite and in some ways I respect that. I just wish he wouldn’t let others interfere with his relationship with God. Maybe one day.

Things weren’t the same with us after that night. We continued to text but it wasn’t the same. I struggled internally with insecurities. Why doesn’t he like me anymore? Did I say something wrong? Instead of realizing that he wasn’t the guy for me and was only looking for the type of girl I am not, I took it personally. I set out to try and make him like me again. I was trying to hold on to something that wasn’t there. That shouldn’t be there. It was all for my own vanity which I am ashamed to admit. I found myself making excuses for him left and right. It wasn’t until his party that I realized I was done. I met his parents (this always happens to me lol) and got along with them so well. Dan and I had a good time at the party, but didn’t spend too much of it together. It wasn’t until toward the end that I realized he had a girl that came with him. He never told me about this. I was just so naive. She was just a friend visiting from out of town, but it was clear there was something more. He wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. He was looking for temporary girls to fill his void until he left to go explore the world. He honestly needs to figure out who he is. I just wish he wouldn’t use girls in the process. He had told me he respected me before and that he wasn’t the guy I was looking for, I just didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to believe it. I believed in him. I thought I could change him but I realized I couldn’t. Only God can do that.

We didn’t talk after that day. We both knew. People really do come into our lives for certain seasons. Sometimes we need to hold on instead of letting go and other times we need to let go instead of holding on.

I also deleted tinder.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Hamed Saber via photopin cc

Tender Tinder Pt 2: Sam and the Fam!

Posted on by

medium_5581837543

Okay, so my last blog post on my first tinder experience was rather long and slightly sad. Hopefully this one will be a little more upbeat. I know what you are probably already thinking- after going through that whole ordeal with Matt, why in the world would I stay on tinder?! It’s funny. Lisa wanted to be strong like me but I wasn’t feeling very strong at this point. Maybe another guy would come along to boost my ego and make me feel like I mattered. They all couldn’t be as bad as Matt. Shortly after the Matt incident, I received a message from Sam. That’s how tinder works. Instant gratification.

Sam started off our conversation with some quirky joke that both made me laugh and found him intriguing. He was very confident in himself and approached the whole situation very differently than Matt did. Within a few messages, he assured me that he felt I was not a psycho crazy person and wanted to exchange numbers. He also gave me his Facebook information so we could become friends and I could check him out to see if he was normal. At least slightly. Like I said, very different than Matt.

Sam and I had a lot in common and were raised pretty much the same way. Our personalities clicked and we had the same unique, odd sense of humor where we could laugh at ourselves. Sam didn’t live here though. He was only visiting family which is how we were able to get matched. He was also very forward. Within a few days, he wanted to see if I wanted to go to a local theme park with him and his entire family. Is this real life? Who does that?! Sam does.

While that forwardness and intentionality normally scares me, I found myself liking it. I met Sam and his family at the hotel they were staying at near the theme park a few days later. Early. I thought we were going to eat breakfast at the hotel before heading over to the park but I was wrong. This was not a good sign seeing how important food is to me. Things kind of happened before I could ascertain what was going on. All I know is that most of his family was heading over in one vehicle, while Sam and his dad both jumped into my truck to head over. Okay. We argued on the way to the park on the best way to get there. The thing I liked best about Sam was how I felt we had been friends forever. The way we acted you would have never guessed we had just met. I like to attribute this to my superb people skills. Or we were just both pretty easy going lol.

We had an awesome day at the park. It was Sam, his parents, his grandma, his sister, and the sister’s two kids. Everyone treated me like family and was so loving and nice. I will say it was a little awkward when Sam’s sister asked how we met. How do you explain that? Awkward situation with my awkward self does not mix well. Sam and I had a great time and he always wanted to make sure we were doing what I wanted and going on the rides I wanted. Even though we were surrounded by his entire family, he made a point to make sure I was having a good time. While I don’t know his motives, it’s always nice to feel loved. I appreciated his efforts.

His family left sometime in the afternoon and we ended up staying until they closed at midnight. If you can make it through a theme park, going 16 hours strong, you might be able to make it through anything. We were able to talk, laugh, and discuss important things. Sam is somewhat shy, which helped in preventing him from making any sort of move on me. This is good because I would have had to shut.him.down. As mentioned before, I like to take things really slow. I still remember one of the rides we went on later that night. It was a sit down, movie type ride and we were the only ones on it, waiting for it to start. We were sitting toward the middle, three or so rows from the front with the entire place to ourselves. Right before it started, an older couple came in and sat right next to me- out of at least 300 seats! I couldn’t help but laugh. Any move Sam was planning to make was squashed. We still joke about this.

Notice how I said still. Sam and I are actually pretty good friends today. While we have a lot in common and have fun with each other, we are in different places in life. I also think we are on different levels and looking for different things. And that’s okay. We respect each other and agree that we aren’t right for each other. I think establishing that upfront has helped with our friendship. I think Sam and I will always be friends. He is a great guy. We both acknowledge how rare it was for us to find each other on a site like tinder and I think that helps us value each other more. Chalk one up for tinder. Check back later this week for part 3 of ‘Tender Tinder’ when I talk about the last guy I met on there.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

Tender Tinder Pt. 1: Matt… And Lisa

Posted on by

medium_2837857863

I still remember laying in bed trying to fall asleep and my friend texting me, telling me I needed to download an app stat. Like right then. “It’s called Tinder and it is soooo funny.” Being a lover of most things funny, I downloaded it with little hesitation. In the process of learning about the app, I became completely adamant about not doing a dating site. She assured me that it wasn’t and was just an app where you swipe through different people. Okay, in her defense, it was hilarious. It is somewhat empowering, perhaps a tad controlling, to pick and choose what people you potentially wanted to talk to. Mind you, for those of you that do not know, you choose who you want to talk to based on four pictures and a short bio. Not. shallow. at. all.

Anyone that appeared not crazy I would swipe right to. I think it’s right. Right meant you’d be interested in them; it’s a match and you both are notified when both swiped right. I honestly swiped right on people I didn’t care for just because I was curious if they’d swipe right too. Real mature, I know. Looking back, I definitely shouldn’t have done that. I was left with matches of people I didn’t care to talk to; and it was worse when they would initiate conversation and I just wouldn’t respond. I question my judgement sometimes. I did have one rule- I would not initiate any conversation first. I know this may seem silly but it was a way to weed out some people and I have always appreciated it when guys pursue. I believe in girls letting guys know they are interested but I think we should encourage men to take on leadership roles more.

Okay, enough of the build up, let’s get to the good part. Matt. Or should I say Matt and Lisa. The conversations I had prior to talking to Matt on Tinder aren’t even worth talking about. They were “hey” and “what’s up?” nothing much more. Shallow is the word I would use to describe them. Matt was different. Matt’s very first message to me stood out from the rest. It was honest, real, and made me feel valued and appreciated; he talked about specific things he liked in my bio and was extremely respectful. Matt was the only person I talked to consistently and we would talk almost everyday; every night around 8, except for the weekends because we were both very busy. We would talk about everything from work and our past weekends to goals, values, and dreams. I felt like I was in a relationship, though only emotionally. It was safe because he was at a distance; he couldn’t hurt me… Or so I thought.

We both said we liked taking things slow and I appreciated that. There were a few bumps in the road through the course of us talking that seemed weird, now that I look back on them, that I easily excused. Maybe because I am too trusting, maybe because I didn’t want to see the truth. We became unmatched on Tinder and his entire profile was gone from me. I remember going through a whole emotional roller coaster in one day over someone I hadn’t even met in person. How dumb. It’s hard when you let someone in and become vulnerable. You give them authority and power to hurt you. Matt ended up finding me on Facebook the next day, which in itself seemed to be a miracle, since he had little knowledge on who I was and didn’t even know my last name. He sent me a message through Facebook and told me he did an update on his phone and that the Tinder app happened to get deleted. He explained how upset he was and hoped I didn’t find him contacting me on Facebook as creepy. I actually liked it. It is fun to feel pursued. We became Facebook friends and ended up moving on. We also exchanged numbers and would text throughout the week. One day I noticed that we weren’t Facebook friends anymore and the same emotional feelings of when I lost Matt on Tinder arose again. Matt ended up asking me why I deleted him on Facebook. Are you serious? He was the one that deleted me! After working through that- as in agreeing that we didn’t know what happened and getting no real answer, we both continued forward. Our whole “relationship” lasted about a month. It was when I noticed Lisa that things were turned upside down.

Matt doesn’t post much on Facebook. Like seriously, there seemed to be no difference in what I could see with being his friend on there as opposed to not. Some people are private and I respect that. However, it was when I noticed that a girl named Lisa referenced him as “babe” in a comment that I really questioned things. I clicked on her page to see who she was (seriously, I should have really pursued becoming a detective or joining the FBI with these skills, right?) and that is when I saw everything I needed; pictures of Matt and Lisa all over her profile. The weddings he told me about, the theme parks he mentioned- they were all with her. And I never even thought to ask. Never crossed my mind. I hate being involved with situations like this. Guys- in case you are wondering why girls get suspicious or feel the need to snoop through guys’ phones this is why! People like Matt. Instead of allowing Matt to hurt me or have a negative effect on me in future dealings with guys, I did the best I could to learn from it and be more cautious of who I talk to.

Matt and I were in the middle of a deep conversation via text (that is what I liked most about him) when I just came out and wrote- “How long has it been since your last relationship?” That is when he started to tell me everything. About how he had been trying to get out of a relationship for the past 4 months. And how I needed to hear him out. About how it looked a lot worse than it is. It was all too much to handle at that time. I was leaving to see my dad for the weekend the next day and because I do give people the benefit of the doubt, I agreed to talk to him on my way back, a few days later via phone. This would be the one and only time I would talk to him over the phone.

In the middle of my trip, I noticed that Lisa started following me on Instagram. That is when I realized I was in the middle of something I never thought I would be in. Matt and I talked for a couple hours on my way home. I told him about how I was feeling and how I didn’t really trust him anymore. Matt had an answer for everything. It was hard not to believe him. He explained how he met her over the past weekend and ended things again. My mind at this point was how in the world do you try to break up with someone for 4 months- and how is it different this time?! He went on to say how he had blocked her from everything and even sent me screenshots of previous texts that showed how he had tried to end it but she always wanted another chance. He gave me so much evidence and proof- it was hard not to believe that she was genuinely crazy. I told him that we would see how things go and I just observed and watched for the following days. I prayed a lot.

There was a lot of truth in what Matt told me as I would soon be contacted by his now ex-girlfriend within a couple of days. I received one of the meanest letters I have ever gotten via Facebook explaining what a horrible person I was from Lisa. It was clear she was hurt. And my heart broke. So many people told me not to write her back but I couldn’t help but to think about what I would have wanted if I had been in her shoes. She felt so lost. So hurt. So betrayed. So broken. Throughout everything, I learned she had been the one that deleted his Tinder app. She deleted me off of his Facebook. She had known about me from the beginning and here she was losing the love of her life because of me in her eyes. I honestly didn’t know who to believe or who was crazy between Matt and Lisa, maybe they both were.

I ended up telling Matt that this was too much for me. And I didn’t trust him anymore anyway. I sent some messages back and forth with Lisa, and as I started to piece things together with her she started to hate me less and less. She didn’t want to believe me and I understand that. She was shocked by the things he said about her and what he did. I started to question why God had allowed this situation to happen, one where there would be so much hurt and betrayal. I began to look at it as though maybe I could help Lisa in some way. I wanted to empower her, I wanted to give her strength. Instead of labeling her as crazy because of her actions, I began to see her actions as results of someone who had been abused, verbally and emotionally. Matt led her to believe he cared about, even while he was breaking up with her. That is why when I told him I could’t continue to talk to him anymore, he went right back to her. Her last words to me were “I wish I was as strong as you.” I still pray for them, for both of them. It’s easy to look and wonder how someone could go back to someone like that, after she has seen all he has done. But she loved him. And she was so scared. It’s frightening to leave what you have in hopes for something more. But sometimes you have to leave in order to obtain something better. I pray she has the strength to do that someday.

-the virgin heartbreaker

*names have been changed.

photo credit: Andreanna Moya Photography via photopin cc

Online dating: is it for you?

Posted on by

small_3287332436

The amount of relationships and marriages that begin from online dating seems to be rising. With technology constantly increasing and smart phones that never leave our side, dating has encountered various meanings as social networks and online dating sites continue to engage and connect people everyone. Okay seriously, if I continue to blog I need to be able to turn off my doctoral side of my brain and keep it real with you all. Dating in today’s society is whack and I can’t keep up. I feel like life would have been so much more simple if I had to rely solely on my (in person) relationships and didn’t have the option to hide behind my cyber identity.

Honestly, I don’t think it is my place to tell you whether or not online dating is for you; this isn’t one of those things that is explicitly stated in the Bible. All I can share with you are my thoughts and feelings. Really it is between you and God to decipher what is best for you, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your future spouse.

As for me, I have always had a bad feeling about online dating for whatever reason. So many people have tried to get me to try it but for some reason I couldn’t do it. It was something about taking control over my dating life and not fully trusting God that always led me away. I tend to also be naive and feel I could fall for anyone if I was convinced they were the one so I don’t really trust myself on sites like those. I am sad to admit that it also made me feel a little desperate if I ended up making a profile. Like what is wrong with me that I can’t find a guy normally? What is even the normal way? I don’t know. I don’t frequent bars or clubs so that can’t be normal either. I always thought the best type of relationship came from when you weren’t looking for one, which is why I personally struggle with the idea of online dating. I just want to be doing what I love and have someone else do the same thing and poof, the rest is history. My friend convinced me to try tinder as more of a joke awhile back and I must admit that it was rather entertaining. I wouldn’t call it a dating app. It could be used to meet friends, it could be used to hook up with others. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. It was definitely a good ego boost. It felt so good to get a match; I had so many matches- either I was all that or I just didn’t have any standards lol. It was interesting to see the type of people on there. It was funny to see my friends on there too and make jokes about it. My friend recently went back on and is getting his self worth from his “162 matches” and “three dates a week.” I know he is secretly hurting over this. Why? Because it’s not real. I will be doing a ‘Tender Tinder’ 3 part series to talk about the three guys I ended up talking to over the instant gratification app. I learned a lot. And learned that it wasn’t for me. It’s hard waiting sometimes but it’s even harder ending up with the wrong person. Here are some things I’ve learned that will hopefully help you make the best decision for yourself!:)

Pros of online dating:

  1. Perfect for people with a busy schedule. This would be one of the reasons I would join. I don’t have much free time and if I did, the last thing I want to do is go looking for a potential spouse. When there are no possibilities in your current environments, online dating may be prove to be a useful tool.
  2. More options. You open yourself up to a lot more options when you enter the world of online dating. Could even prove to be a great networking tool;-) But keep in mind this also somewhat trains us to be noncommittal. I don’t think the dating sites should be to blame necessarily but rather society’s lack of commit and desire for instant gratification. We are trained through these site that if things start to get tough, you have plenty of other options. Perseverance, fighting for, and working through things seem to be a lost art.
  3. More control. You are able to have more control over your dating life and what you want. It’s up to you to pick the person of your dreams from an array of good looking, successful people. Just be careful you save room for God to show you his best:)
  4. Weeding powers. Unlike traditional dates where it make take awhile to get to know whether or not you like someone, you can knock out potential suitors left and right through a series of straight-to-the-point, deep questions. Who really wants to waste time anyway? If done appropriately, online dating could foster conversation that allows you to get to know the other person more because there’s just something about sitting behind a computer screen that gives us a little more confidence.
  5. Great ego booster. This is probably my favorite because vanity seems to be one of my weaknesses. If you are feeling rejected and alone, having a bunch of people that want to talk to you can make anyone feel good. Just remember it isn’t real; it’s the people that stick around through all the messy and ugly stuff that really love and care about you.

Cons of online dating:

  1. Dangerous. In a recent Tinder experiment, it was noted that one of the main fear women have with online dating is that the men they meet might end up being psycho killers. I know this may seem silly but spend a day reading news articles or watching “I dated a psycho” on Lifetime. Don’t be naive. Don’t be dumb. Some people are legit crazy.
  2. Creeps. While women fear psycho killers, the same study revealed that men fear that the women they meet might end up being fat. Okay really? I understand wanting to be attracted to your girlfriend but come on- can we be a little less shallow? Some people, probably most, aren’t looking for Christ-following, let’s get married partners. Be wise enough to spot those who aren’t and move on.
  3. Liars. You can be anyone you want via the internet. So many of my friends have gotten burned this way. There is something to say about body language and eye contact. It is so easy to stretch the truth, especially when our insecurities get the best of us. If you tend to be too trusting, much like myself, online dating may not be for you.
  4. More control. Yes, this was listed in the pros, as well. Just want to reiterate that when we tend to take control of this in our life, it leaves less room for God to move. Don’t be like Sarah and Abraham from the Bible and put too much into your own hands. Be patient. God is faithful and He is always on time.
  5. Focus on the wrong things. There is a lot of temptation toward an emotion led relationship when on the dating sites. As mentioned previously, it feels good to be chased and to feel valued. Sometimes it is hard to know the difference between what is real and what isn’t and this can be very scary. Subtle deception can occur before you know it and may lead you in too deep to get out on your own.

Tips:

  1. Know what you are looking for and what you are willing to compromise on
  2. Don’t compromise or make excuses for the things that are important to you
  3. Always meet in a public setting
  4. Listen to your gut and don’t continue something just because they are cute or you don’t want to hurt their feelings
  5. Be intentional, upfront, and honest
  6. Look for signs and don’t be dumb; it’s okay to take your time. If they are real, they will wait

Remember online dating is just another tool. Watch out for those looking for quick, emotional affairs rather than intentional, committed relationships.

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: Helga Weber via photopin cc

Weekend Wrap Up- Singular group, Double Date, & Couple’s Game Night

Posted on by

small__8550837719

This past week/weekend brought about a lot of interesting and new experiences for me- some better than others. You can take that as you will. I always look forward to the weekend, especially since mine always consists of three days instead of two;-). Anyway, in case you find my life as exciting as I do continue reading- if nothing else, you can have a few laughs at my expense☺.

Singular Group
Take one guess on what you think this group means? I’ve been going to my church for some time now but I haven’t gotten too involved for various reasons, mainly due to time constraints. My brother was told about this group to try out on Thursday nights and I figured I would try it out too. The only thing I knew about the group was that it was for people who were not married and the worst part was the “all ages welcomed” that was included in the description. My immediate concern was that there will be older than me people there looking for a spouse instead of people my age looking for fellowship. That always freaks me out for some reason. I think church is a great place to meet your spouse or by being involved with church activities but I guess I don’t like it when groups are designed for that. It is just weird to me, something unnatural. I mean I think we should all do are part and not sit at home and expect God to just send our spouse knocking on our front door but I think those groups can lead themselves to put a lot of pressure or awkwardness on people. Along the lines of my previous post about hating the word “date.” Maybe I’m just weird- that is a strong possibility too.

So my brother and I show up at this group about 30 minutes early and I told him that we would watch from the car so we could see who was going in first and scope it out. Is that wrong? There were literally no cars for about 15 minutes but at least we had good conversation about our worst nightmares coming true once we went to the group. I had originally planned to go in 10-15 minutes early but with the way things were looking, I was about to propose we go to dinner instead. It was at about 5 minutes to when it was supposed to start and a car pulls up. I guess a woman in her 40’s would soon emerge from the vehicle, my brother guesses a man in his early 30’s. As soon as their car door opens, we both start laughing. I was right. We wait a few minutes and no one shows up. My brother convinces me to walk over and at least look to see if others are there. We do. We peak in the window and it’s just the woman sitting at a table by herself. I know you might think I’m childish but I call my mom to vent about my hesitation and how this is a waste of time. She calms me down and explains how I should give it a chance. We end up going in and making conversation. More people eventually show up. And there was dinner. Food always makes me happy. The “woman in her 40’s” was actually younger; everyone who ended up showing up was around my age. It really wasn’t that bad and I appreciated the opportunity to meet others. I might even go back:).

Double Date
Friday night I went on a double date with my boyfriend, one of his friends, and his friend’s wife. I haven’t really gone on many of these types of dates in the past, usually because I never really had a date. I was normally the third wheel with my best friend and her husband, even before they were married. As I’ve matured (not sure if this is really true), I would normally find a guy to bring along so it would be more balanced out but it ended up just being more awkward honestly. But this double date was actually fun.

We met them for dinner and I devoured my meal. Just something about chicken and mac n’ cheese that does that to me lol. Afterwards we went to play putt putt and I can be a little competitive when it comes to games, actually probably anything in life. My boyfriend and I made a bet to see who would win.; bets always add a little excitement to it. He is a little competitive too and can be pretty ruthless. I had to win though, mainly because I couldn’t lose. If I won, I get to pick anything from the mall but if he won, I’d have to watch a sci-fi movie. Now you see why I couldn’t let him win. Worst movies ever. I guess that’s what happens when you date a dork, or as he likes to be called- a geek. One the first hole, he got a hole in one. I was ready to go home after that. But I persevered and guess who ended up winning?! I really do thrive under pressure. How else would I have made it this fall in grad school?!;-) My boyfriend ended up coming in last. Hopefully he doesn’t get mad about me posting that. Regardless, double dates can be lots of fun!

Couple’s Night
Saturday night my boyfriend’s parents hosted a couple’s game night. It was guys versus girls and I already had been talking smack. There were about 8-9 couples there who were married; we were the only couple who wasn’t lol. Most of them were older and I actually loved that! I think sometimes younger people tend to hang out with only those of their similar age, but I have learned so much from those that are older than me. They have so much wisdom and life lessons and I always appreciate the opportunity to interact with them, as well as seeing their beautiful marriages.

Anyway, we ended up playing two games- pictionary and taboo. The girls ended up winning by a landslide in pictionary! I wish I had taken pictures of some of the drawings though. We were laughing a lot. Taboo used to be one of my favorite games but is also super tough when you can’t say certain words. One of my favorite parts is buzzing your partner when they mess up and say a word they aren’t supposed to. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is pretty good at following directions so I wasn’t able to buzz him. The guys ended up winning that game but I think the score got messed up;-).

I had a lot of fun this weekend but after writing all of that, it seems a little boring and dull. Maybe that is why most tv shows and movies are filled with affairs and other bad decisions. It some ways they appear exciting and/or make up feel better about our lives. But we don’t have to live with the consequences of those choices in the movies. My life is pretty exciting, fulfilling, and normal. Okay maybe not normal but close. This journey is about growing and learning to love deeper. Hope you all had a fabulous weekend and a terrific Monday!

-thevirginheartbreaker

P.S. Here is the putt putt scorecard for any doubters. My boyfriend took score and he is the first one listed, I am the second:)

scorecard

featured photo credit: LyndaSanchez via photopin cc

Why I hate the word “date”

Posted on by

small__5091703712

Anyone who knows me well or has watched my Facebook through the years knows how I’ve never been a fan of the word “date” or the term “dating.” The guys who have asked me out only for me to respond with, “sure, we should hang out” know this all too well. I think it’s because the word date implies a certain level of commitment and expectation in my mind and honestly I don’t like that pressure, not with a guy I’m not really convinced about yet. If I have ever used the word “date” with you, consider yourself one of the few.

So I prefer to “hang out” with guys. Why? Because in my mind, I am just getting to know them and I don’t feel like I owe them anything. Maybe this is silly and maybe I over analyze a little too much but it has seriously stressed me out before. I think a big part of it revolves around the fact that I don’t want to lead anyone on, especially if I really don’t see a future with someone. I run from the word. It scares me. There have been times when I was okay with the word and that was when I thought I might actually see a future with that particular guy. So for me it’s a matter of using the word with people I like, not using it with those I don’t like or guys I am unsure about. I think we all know this deep down but are just afraid to admit it. This is why girls HATE it when a guy is taking them out but refuses to call it a date. It shows that the guy is unsure about what he wants. And there is no girl who wants to start falling for a guy only for him to say “but we’ve never even dated.” Girls desire a guy they respect and it’s hard to respect a guy when they don’t even know what they want.

There is a certain level of casualness when only hanging out, as opposed to dating. And I like that. But I will admit, if I started to like a guy, I would not appreciate just being his “hang out” buddy. I can however, to a certain extent, respect not being referred to as someone’s date, even though it can be viewed as a big slap in the face. I can’t use the word with someone I’m unsure about so I don’t think I’d really appreciate a guy using the word with me unless he was serious about me. I just can’t. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m leading someone on. I feel like I’m being deceptive. I feel like I’m wasting someone’s time. The truth is, I just don’t know about you and that’s okay. Maybe we should just get to know each other more, in a non-pressuring environment. The beauty with that is, chances are that if it doesn’t work out and we aren’t compatible we can still be friends and it not be awkward. There are ways to find love without breaking so many hearts.  

There is a caveat to this and that is- I don’t think people view the word as seriously as I do and that has created this confusion and unintentional dating scene we see in today’s society, in my opinion. I think that is why one of my favorite authors, Eric Ludy, in his book when God writes your love story  (co-authored with his wife, Leslie) stated the following:

“Personally, I don’t care for the word date. I think it diminishes the grandeur of a God-written love story into a common, everyday sort of thing. If you are stuck on using the word, I won’t fight you. But I prefer to think that God’s version of love and romance is miles above the culturally saturated ideas contained within that weak and ugly word. When two people enter into a relationship that is scripted from start to finish by the Author of love and relationships, they may prefer to view their relationship as something bigger, better, and more beautiful than dating. In short, if you can maintain the honor, the faithfulness of heart, the purity, and the selfless love of Christ at the center of your relationship, go ahead and date. However, if you are holding the pen in your proud hand and messing with a human heart for your selfish pleasure, my advice is, don’t date; instead, go to Jesus and ask Him to change you and change your method for building an intimate love relationship.”

Wow. It sometimes makes me sad to see what the dating culture has become. But I want to encourage you to strive for more. Below are three quick tips that have helped me stay focused on what I ultimately want and need.

  1. Communicate! Don’t allow a silly word to control you. If you are just looking for a friend, communicate that. If you are intentional about getting married, communicate that. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to ask for clarity. This is your life and it flies by- don’t waste it sitting around guessing what your relationship, or lack thereof, really is.
  2. Be realistic. While communicating is important, please don’t start discussing how bad you want to get married on the first “date.” Be intentional, but don’t put someone in a situation where they have to commit off the bat if they don’t even really know you yet.
  3. Trust your gut. As much as I hate to say it, it’s usually right. I know we always hope for the best and we pray for signs, but oftentimes we dismiss them because we just want to feel loved so much. If you are not feeling secure in whatever it is you are in, read tip one:p

So who wants to go on a date now?

-the virgin heartbreaker

photo credit: KaylaKandzorra via photopin cc