I was talking with a friend from work this past week about how much of a germaphobe I am. Wait, why doesn’t Microsoft Word recognize germaphobe as a real world?! This is very real people. Some people are gross. Okay, maybe gross is a strong word but some of the things people do gross me out. Thus, a discussion of first date don’ts began. I even went to my trusty Facebook friends to hear some of their pet peeves. While mine dealt mostly with germs (lol sorry), there were some other great (or not so great) things my friends added to the list. So if you are aiming to lose your date on the first date, here goes:
- Don’t be chivalrous. This one is mostly directed toward guys. Don’t hold the door open. Don’t pay for your date. Don’t tip. Don’t lead. Yes, some women are independent but most still like to be treated like a lady. If you want this date to go somewhere, be aware and follow cues. When you genuinely are interested in someone, you’ll be able to figure out their likes and dislikes, when to push and when to pull.
- Talk about about your ex. Okay, I understand if the conversation presents itself and exes get brought but to keep saying things like “my ex really loved this place” or “my ex has an outfit like that” or “that person looks like my ex” is a big red flag. You might need to spend a little more time single and healing before you start dating again. Some things just take time.
- Have bad food habits. I feel like a hypocrite writing about this one because I am probably one of the messiest eaters I know, but I love food! Try to eat proper but more specific things that annoy me kind of focus on how selfish I am when it comes to food. “Are you going to finish that?”- never ask me that, unless I offer you some, I want it. Do not, I repeat do not, take food off your date’s plate unless they offer. And this one I probably hate the most- when your date keeps insisting you try what they are having even after you said no thank AND they put it on your plate. I am not going to eat it still.
- Be arrogant. I think we think we have to try to prove ourselves to our dates that we are amazing. Sometimes I think this comes from insecurity. Newsflash- if you are amazing, we will see it. Talking about it or trying to prove it tends to lead us to believe you are not. One of my friends mentioned how she stated that she liked something and her date began quizzing her on it. Sometimes we are just trying to find common interests. People like to talk and hope to find someone they are compatible with- if you are making everything a competition and trying to one up your date, you may one up them but you’ll end up alone.
- Be a bad conversationalist. Kind of along the same lines of being arrogant, you should not be hogging the conversation. Stop talking about yourself and ask questions. Unless, of course, you are not interested in your date at all and simply want to highlight yourself. If you keep saying “I don’t know” a lot and don’t ask questions, you are kind of leaving your date with very little options. II know some people are better at this than others, but I honestly feel like this one should come naturally, though maybe a little awkward for some, if you are actually interested in the person.
- Constantly talk about the same people. Guys- it’s one thing to mention in passing something about your mom or your great relationship with her. But she should not have been the one that picked out and ironed your clothes… Enough said. Furthermore, for guys and girls- do not constantly talk about your friends that are of the opposite sex. Yes, we all have them but if they are all you talk about there may be a reason you are still single.
- Stay on your phone. I’ve been guilty of this before. It’s hard in today’s society when our phones contain so much power and the ability to occupy us for any one second of complete silence. But be engaged. You’d be surprised at what happens and what you think of when you put your phone down. And I’ve never been this bad, but one of my friends mentioned how his date kept checking her Facebook and even logged into her match.com profile to see if she had any messages. Yeaaaa, I don’t think that went anywhere.
- Have a bad appearance. I’m not talking about looks here but what you do with what you have. Ladies, dress like a lady for your date- not like you are trying to get every man’s attention in the room. Guys, put some effort into your appearance and don’t wear a hat- unless you are at a sporting event and then it’s okay. Everyone, comb your hair and brush your teeth. Also, please don’t pick anything while out- teeth, nose, whatever. Okay, thanks.
- Be rude and negative. Not just to me but to the people around us. People tend to put on their best behavior on the first date. Only someone really dumb would be rude to their date- not necessarily because they like their date but because they are wanting something from them. How people treat others that can’t do anything for them is a pretty good indication of how you will eventually be treated. Additionally, there are always going to be things that are depressing and sad happening in our world; the challenge is to find something positive and focusing on making things better. Negativity is contagious and most people don’t want to be around that. Also, don’t gossip or talk about others.
- Express wedding plans. If your date is super awesome, it’s okay to potentially think about the future but it’s ONE date. There is so much to still learn about them so keep it to yourself until you get to know each other a little more. Being a little too eager shows that you are impulsive and are led a little too much by your emotions. Don’t put too much pressure on them and give them at least a night’s sleep to process everything;-)
What are some of your first date pet peeves?
-the virgin heartbreaker
I was reading not too long ago in Mark 12 and in the middle of the chapter there was a passage about how the Sadducees were questioning Jesus:
Mark 12:19-25 (ESV)
19 “Teacher, Moses wrote for us that if a man’s brother dies and leaves a wife, but leaves no child, the man[a] must take the widow and raise up offspring for his brother. 20 There were seven brothers; the first took a wife, and when he died left no offspring. 21 And the second took her, and died, leaving no offspring. And the third likewise. 22 And the seven left no offspring. Last of all the woman also died. 23 In the resurrection, when they rise again, whose wife will she be? For the seven had her as wife.”
24 Jesus said to them, “Is this not the reason you are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God? 25 For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.
I have read this passage numerous times, sad to admit, with little thought. Basically, the Sadducees want to know who ends up being together in the resurrection. Seems like a fair enough question. I was kind of curious too. But Jesus’ response is perfect- straight to the point. It was only this last time when I read the passage I realized how trivial marriage is. Okay, don’t get me wrong- it is huge while here on earth, very important and not something to be taken lightly at all. But do you see what Jesus is saying? It is not going to matter in heaven- we were made for something so much bigger than getting married to someone!
I think we oftentimes view marriage as the end result. We have arrived. We have found the one- we make a family and then what? Do we even know? Is is just to reproduce so our kids can find love the same way we did? What if instead of viewing marriage as finally finding the one that loves us, makes us happy, and can see ourselves building a life with we added something else to the mix. What if we viewed it as a chance to learn how to love more? What if we viewed every disagreement as an opportunity to challenge ourselves to act like Christ rather than getting our way? You see, until we view marriage differently we won’t act differently. So how do you view marriage? We all want to be loved and you should be with someone that does love you but that’s not the most important thing here. We are only here for a short time. You can either spend your time trying to make someone love you more or you can focus on loving more. And trust me, trying to make someone love you is not fun and never works. Find someone you can practice loving more and that’s wanting to practice too. Imagine how beautiful and healthy a relationship like that would be.:)
-the virgin heartbreaker
“Actions speak louder than words” is a common quote many know. It sounds good but the problem with this statement is that we hear it but we don’t listen to it. We see the actions. We know there is something wrong but we dismiss it and we make excuses for it. We are pros at this and some of our reasons for justifying the behavior is almost comical. On top of our own excuses we make because we just want to be happy and hope for the best, we start to believe or try to believe what our significant other says, even when their actions show otherwise. Call me naive, call me gullible, or simply call me dumb but I’ve probably been guilty of falling for this more than anyone. Way too trusting and just tired of ruined relationships before they start- over and over and over again. So I take getting treated like no one should ever be treated.
They say, “I like you- isn’t that enough?” Well actually no, it’s not enough. What does “I like you” even mean? Doesn’t that mean you care about me more than yourself, you ask questions about me, want to talk to me and get to know me? What about the effort- am I worth the investment? If not, the reality is, you don’t like me. Nobody wants to hear those empty words that mean nothing. I’ve excused it too many times. You want me to like you. That’s all. And I knew it from the beginning. But I excused it as young, immature, bad communication skills, you name it. But it gets old. I lose faith, I lose hope. I wasted time but at least I tried and gave you the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to lose that part of me; I know the right guy will appreciate that.
But boy do I know how to pick them. One of my favorites was the guy I continued to talk to even after I found out he was still in a relationship. Wow. But I believed you when you said you’d been trying to break up with her for 5 months, that she was crazy, but you broke it off now, blocked her, didn’t care about her, and had no feelings for her. I could go on. It scares me sometimes how good people can be at lying. But once again, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. But you gave in when she became persistent and allowed for conversation. You spent more time letting her explain herself than you did getting to know me. But yet “she is never on my mind” and “I have no feelings for her,” were your excuses. I knew better but I hoped. I believed not in us but in the decency of humanity. I mean is it really that hard to tell and show someone you care? Actually just show. No, it’s not. The problem is so many people really just don’t care. I mean they care, just more about themselves. It’s not that complicated. Ignore the words. Watch the behavior. You’d be surprised how enlightening it is. Because when a person really cares you won’t have to talk yourself into believing that they do. You’ll know.
-the virgin heartbreaker
Well this is exciting! I’m sitting in Atlanta right now attending a conference for school. I presented yesterday morning so my stress level has subsided, for now at least;-) I’m attending a blog conference tomorrow and it’s like get writing or… well, don’t. The pressure is on! Since I’m such a perfectionist, this post will be my hardest. What are you supposed to even write about for your first post?! I’ve been working on the back end of my blog for probably a year now; my ideas, however, for at least ten years. I have such a passion for people and relationships. I love to write. I love to counsel. And I love to give my two cents for what it’s worth. I’m always giving my opinion to anyone who will listen anyway, so why not expand my audience, right?!
My plans for the blog are rather simple- I’m blogging about my crazy, exciting, and unique life. My goal? To inspire others to live and push the boundaries of the social norms. We live in a society where it seems as though having high morals, values, and standards are almost frowned upon. Not really, I mean no one will say it to your face but you can tell. You’re different. You are not doing things like everyone else.
My blog name is simple. You can be a virgin and still have relationships. Shocking, right? I don’t buy into the whole “try it before you buy it” mentality and as you get to know me, hopefully you’ll see why. Choosing to remain a virgin when I was in my early teens was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Making tough choices, though hard, will bring some of the most rewarding experiences to your life.
This is a work in progress so hang on as we make this exciting journey together. So here we go!
-the virgin heartbreaker