I downloaded two dating apps over the Christmas break- Hinge and Upward. I couldn’t make myself do anymore than that. I do not like the concept of Bumble before anyone asks. I have yet to open either of the two apps I downloaded, which by default means I haven’t even set up my profiles yet. I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t. I’m scared. Scared of the unknown. I was reflecting on the guys that are in my life currently and wondering if I should try to make it work with any of them. At least I know the good and the bad of each. Dating nowadays is like playing Russian roulette- you really don’t know where you will fall or land. You hope it’s good. Yet, my past experiences have taught me that I have a history of losing. Which for me, pushes me to quit the game.
It’s a strange feeling to have both the desire to get married and have children but also wanting to avoid the pain the process of getting there often brings. I feel like I’ve been a part of the process for so long already. At what point am I supposed to quit? I had someone recently say to me that if I put as much work into my dating/relationship life as I did other aspects of my life I probably would have been married already. I felt that. But I’ve also had a difficult time defining what that work is supposed to look like. I feel like I’ve worked on myself… a lot. I feel like I have put myself out there… a lot. What more am I supposed to do? Why do I feel like I keep getting it wrong? I feel like Taylor Swift- hi, it’s me. I’m the problem it’s me.
Rather than thinking there is something wrong, what if it just isn’t the right time? What if the answer isn’t no, just not yet? I’ve thought about that a lot lately. I think we create these timelines in our head and when things don’t happen when we think they are supposed to, we assume God has failed us… God forgot about us. God forgot about me. But what if He didn’t forget about us. What if He has been working this whole time- what if He has been here the whole time?
If I’m being honest, I don’t really believe I will meet my husband on a dating app. I can already hear people saying, “well you probably won’t with that attitude!” I get it and maybe I’m just not there yet. But I DO believe it is a necessary step to put myself out there and open my heart once again. Every time I go through a break-up I want to give up on dating. The pain is real, and the feelings are raw. The happy ending doesn’t seem worth the potential heartbreak. But each time, after I’m healed and whole yet again, I do put myself out there. Because I know deep down the only other way to live is with no feelings at all. Protected, safe, and secure, but empty, cold, and dead. And that is no way to live.